Cultural differences!

Cultural differences even happen at the level of banks.
In Ireland all I ever had to do was ring the bank with the details required.
A standing order would have then been implemented and my ex would get the money no problem.
Here I can't even ring the bank directly. I get put through to a service where they can do nothing.
The internet is not exactly the high speed network. I had to wait a week before I could be accepted, from my existing bank account on line, to perform some transactions they want me to pay for.
Anywhere else this would have been practically instantaneous.
Once they set me up with a new password and the new functionality, I have to wait another week for the functionality to actually function and that is only on the okay of a letter I am supposed to receive soon.
Nothing is fast, everything is red tape, we are forced to go slowly.
The social worker hasn't been to see my ex yet.
My ex hasn't replied about Christmas yet either. I get the feeling she is going to go ape shit when I start insisting on upholding the judgement. It won't be a problem for me. Already the first holidays didn't turn out as they should have but from now on they will.
Am I odd I ask myself to want to have time with my son? I had heard a rumour that at one point my father stayed in relationship with my mam because of me. I have no idea if it is true but it gives me food for thought.
The stereotype of man is one that doesn't fit me well. Come to think of it, the stereotypes that apply to women don't suit me either. I am not one of those guys who goes out with the guys, gets drunks, talks about conquests, fucks and then goes home to wifey. I actually find that type of guy ( if he actually does exist) extremely boring and limited in mental capacity. Yes I get drunk but usually only in good fun company. Let me define drunk here not as in not being able to stand up, Drunk is anything that is not sober, and one glass or two or three is definitely not sober. It's relaxed.
It doesn't help my belly though. I have lost the flat tummy I had when the body issues started. I have started a new treatment that I will write about soon. It's tough, painful, hilarious, and involves my physiotherapist tieing me to the wall and sitting on my arms. Kinky no?

Obama

No one is going to write anything that I can write, and I am not going to write anything that won't be said or felt already.
I understand that in the United States something has changed and for that I am very glad and very relieved, because a lot of killing might stop and certainly a lot of fear will be eased.

So Mr Obama, when you have finished your evolution of the world politic, when you can be no longer elected, and you must retire from presidency, when you have a moment, and when you and I are in the same square kilometer or mile or within touching distance, when you have time, I would like to sit with you a while, eat some food and just hang. Maybe we would have something to say each other. Is that too arrogant of me? I hope not. I have always believed in the power of dialog and the power of Yes. For you and I are People of this world, and therefore agents of change. What would there be not to talk about.

Wishing what you represent for many, to be oh so true.

Being There.

It is not easy being a dad! I know, no one said it was, but all the same it's tough sometimes.

We had our social inquest Saturday.

Right now 'Cold Case' is on TV. The subject is a boy who has been abused and killed, his father found guilty.
Clearly by the end of the Story line the father will be vindicated, and the boy will still be dead. I can't watch.
I have to move away. It makes me feel like I am nut case that I get so moved, so emotional. I just well up and have to move away.

So Saturday morning, a lady about my own age, maybe a few years younger arrived at the house. The moment I saw her I thought,
'Civil Servant', 'child care', 'hippie'. I stereotype with the rest of you. She had dirty blonde (although clean) curly shoulder length hair. She has probably never worn make up and her skin looked like she had smoked too much. She had extremely kind eyes. She wore very short synthetic skirt, horizontal stripes on her black nylons, teddy boy style shoes, and a synthetic hoodie. I could see her rolling smokes in a bar at home with a pint of Guinness in front of her. Salt of the earth.

Once or twice I came up against her complete knowing. She would point out something was or wasn't good for a child. She would somehow demostrate with a shake or nod of the head that her knowledge on that particular point was written in stone, applied to all situations, all children, and only she could be right. She wasn't a bad person. She did her job thouroughly. She asked a lot of questions. Questions about the past, questions about how I met Boy's mother, how he arrived, how we left Ireland, how we split up, how I managed to stay. I tried to be me. I told her what I could but it was heavy emotionally. I didn't want to get into the blame and retribution and I fear that my reluctance will make me loose out in the end. Who knows? Who could possibly know.
She wanted to know how I met Lover. If this baby was an accident too. If someday I was going to do things in the right order... it was said with kindness but the consequences of it could be huge.

I have been amiss in applying the judgement. My ex asked me not to send my son to the day care center that she would look after him when I was at work. I reluctantly agreed and the upshot is, he is not here tonight. He should be but he isn't. He will be here tomorrow. My listening and giving in again has caused only problems. I should have applied it to the letter. I should have insisted. I shouldn't have had to insist. So tonight I did. I told her we have to do what the judge said. This is what the Social woman said. But when she said it she used it as a way of explaining to the child. Funny how it has to be explained to the adults too.

I have posted the first cheque. You would not believe how difficult it is to contact a bank employee and get them to do things with the money I have given them. It will happen in time. But for the moment I can't get a standing order orgainsed. I have already spent the last week trying to do it...not an excuse.

So now what?

So now tomorrow I have to do something I am not comfortable with. I have to contact social woman and explain what has happended this holiday. I already told her perhaps the holiday came too soon after the judgement, there was some emotion around it, we hadn't managed to discuss Christmas yet....my God after last Christmas I am not so positive.

Well there you go. Where am I ? I am fucking sore. I have a trapped nerve in my back to complicate matters. I am getting fixed but it is really slow. I am impatient.

Boy is delighted baby will be here soon. Lover is suffering from a cold almost constantly but in truth, I have seen a lot of pregnant women in my day, this is a piece of cake as far as pregnancies go. I don't mean that in a macho way. But she has been generally energised, there have been no complications, physically she is healthy and strong so why would it not be good. I am very positive.

Once baby arrives, and boy's future is decided, we can buy the apartement, then I can focus on my two dreams apart from raising my children. Iron man and writing my Novel or my movie and either way telling stories....

If I don't read you, or I have not been by your blog in a while, I think of you anyway.

The Big Sweep

So the big clean up is on. Dust is a problem, it is everywhere. We live in a pretty dry place and the dust just blows it's way in and hangs around till it gets either blown out or sucked up.

Due to the nature of the French Socio-legal system we are required to keep paperwork. Lots of paper work, receipts, contracts,agreements,wage slips,more reciepts, letters, invoices, bills,notifications, more receipts,envelopes, copies, duplicates, tax statements, prescriptions, and receipts.

Due to my nature I have papers about music, film, computers, programming, getting fit, receipies,scripts, poetry, artwork, letters, envelopes, receipts(that are not so needed),oh look more sheet music, oh look I remember that song....and I have them everywhere.

Due to the nature of our place, and our lives, along with all this paper that does nothing but invite dust that has already invited itself anyway, and sees the paperwork as an excuse to stay, there are an inordinate amount of books. Books about language, geography, travel, cooking, war, history, strategy, babies, triathlons, yoga, spirituality,novels, romances, pulp fiction, pulp fact even, politics, media,computers, film, more history, and DIY, and they exist in Italian, English French and yes we have one or two in Gaelic.

Due to the fact that some stranger is coming soon, to see are we fit to have my son with us more than the odd weekend, plus, the fact that we really need to get organised, the big clean up is on. No better excuse for stopping for a few minutes and writing up the blog.

Paperwork will now be called paperavoidance. Books will now be called dust gathering recepticles of useful information if you have absolutely nothing else to do with your life and plenty of time to read.

Cleaning up will be called getting dirty, because I had a shower a few hours ago and now even my insides need another one.

Been not gone

Sometimes I drive myself silly trying to think of headlines. All is well. The judgement is in, I saw my lawyer she explained, it has come down more in my favour than his mothers, and time will tell if it really swings my side.
My parents came for a weekend, about 2 weeks ago, so time, space and access to web land was restricted.
It was a challenge but fun. At 80 years of age I am proud of both of them and how they keep it together through thick and thin. Maybe they learned a little about our lives and Lover got to know them a bit better. Boy got spoiled rotten.
He was bad the first weekend, so I explained the judgement and then he was back to his usual self. But he was so bad, I am still in shock from it. Silly me!
I am now offically shattered, better understood by my lover, under pressure and starving. So this is just a note to say hi, I have been but not gone, and I will get my ass in gear for myself and write something worthwhile, noteworthy soon.

NI OUI NI NON

There is a game they play here called Ni Oui ni Non. Niether Yes nor No. You have to answers questions and you are not allowed say yes or no? Do you understand? Ah see I win!
I feel that is what is happening in my desire to have my son more with us.

Today my lawyer called while I was in middle of something important in work.
I had to move quickly outside. I answered, closing my eyes dreading this moment.
I had no idea if I should prepare to jump for joy or to sink to the ground and yet neither response would have been correct anyway.
Even if it was the perfect result the right response would have been perhaps a sage nod of the head, a satisfied smile, maybe a secretly clenched fist of joy. Nothing more than that or it would not have been right.

For the moment my ex has my son, I get to see him every second weekend offically. I stop paying for his Canteen and his schooling and I stop buying him clothes and I pay her 200 euro a month.
In the meantime there will be a social inquest in how Lover and I live in our home. We agreed to that before I had to go to court.
My lawyer explained this is the first step in the Shared parenting. If the result of this inquest is positive then there is no court that can refuse the Shared parenting. So I suppose all in all it's a good result, it could have been worse. There is still light. I am just not able to cut that rope that binds me yet and that honestly irritates the hell out of me. I have a desire for finality.

My body is getting better. I have changed physio's by accident almost. The new physio and I have become friends. The other one was brilliant and so is this one. But this one gives me more. Will strengthen my body. I will be healed soon. I will be back on track.


So I guess the result of today is neither no, nor yes. Change or no change or waiting or slow change. I will know more when I meet my Lawyer soon who will explain the ruling in detail.

But I have had a lot of support from my readers, and for that I am very grateful. So this is the news you have been waiting on. Sorry it's not more conclusive.

Change expected no change

Been to the doctor, not fixed yet, can do some stationary bike and swimming will be soon, absolutely no running.

Tomorrow someone who knows nothing about us, makes a judgement as to if my son and I can legally spend more time together.

My parents arrive tommorow. They are 80. My mother is probably a manic depressive.


I suppose I was going to write that I feel anxious, stressed out my bucking oak tree would be more accurate but perhaps not as nice. . . . .

change and no change...... life is different everyminute and yet we stress over what the next second will bring knowing I can make bugger all difference in the end to what the day brings. I can only deal with what arrives.

Happy Birthday To Me

There you go, 41 today. The life plan is not where I thought it would be. It never is, that's the wonderful side of life. This week is a biggie. My parents arrive on Tuesday. I find out what will happen with Boy the same day. Life will continue either way.
I had some friends over, much less than before. This time instead of wild groups I boiled it down to about 10 and 7 arrived.
My new physio from Romania and her boyfriend. They are just a lovely couple. JN a good guy from work who is dad to two little kids, he is the french me in many ways. We even look a little alike I think.
The italians and the banker and her man who are I suppose long standing friends, came for dinner. We had Pasta with Sepp, Beef in Warriors special sauce, with green beans, individual baked alaska, lots of wine and champagne and I started my day with a good old hangover.
Now the weather is like home....Talk about a month of change... I am smiling.

Hanging Out For The Weekend.

He met me from school and looked really pleased in that timid way he does. We chatted a lot in the car, I noticed how quickly that changes, how quickly he evolves. He asked about the divorce and when it was going to happen. I told him we had seen the judge already, that she was to decide if he got more time with me or as his mam wanted. He was silent. Then 'That's a bit silly really'. I agreed. I explained he was a lucky boy, many kids don't have anyone to care for them and he had two adults fighting over him.'I have 3' he said. 'How? ' 'I have Lover too'. Yes indeed he does. Lucky boy.
Later when he saw her, he was so all over her, her eyes looked at me questioning, her lack of confidence wondering why he was so interested. My tears welled up, I cried. She has yet to really learn to be loved by him and that is okay, and he is just crazy about her, and that is just fine.
We had a good weekend but he was weepy. Sometimes crying for no reason. Wanting me to sit with him when I was cooking dinner. Lover took him through his homework and washed floors and did Ironing, I took him through his games, tidying his room and cooking the dinners, and got him to help cleaning the kitchen. I told him to remember that no matter what happened I won't abondon him, he knows, but there was some weird news item on about kidnapped people so I thought it was a good opportunity to remind him.
We took in a film WALL E or whatever it is called, we all enjoyed it. He was tired and hungry by the time it was over. I teased him a little bit for moaning so much, and he did that laugh and cry that kids do when they are so tired.
Baby is growing well and we all sat with the book and saw the pics and got the measurements.
Sunday I asked him if he wanted to go back to his Mams, 'OH No, I want to stay till tomorow', and that was just the finest thing I heard all weekend.
I am still getting physio but I have much less pain than before, I am still on antibiotics. It's okay this life. We can only hope it works out.
My 80 year old parents come over the day I am due to hear the Judges Decision. I am anxious. We love each other a lot but my mother and I tend to rub each other up the wrong way. But hey she is 80 you can't teach an old dog new tricks. If your dog is pissing on your shoe you need to teach it young that it is not okay.
Honestly I am looking forward to it. My Dad is delighted to be coming , I can hear it in his voice. I am just anxious about their health, about boy and about the future.
All we can do is turn our face to path ahead of us and march onwards.

The Red Palace

I was nervous as hell. I missed the bus. I missed the second and third bus too. I got the one to the tram, the one that does five circles of 4km each to travel just 4 km. Not good for the stress. I borded the tram and Sat with my back to the direction it was going. I realised I was heading backwards through practically every street that had some importance in my five years here. I wondered about it. I remember the flings, the short time friends, the girls I was keen on, the teachers, the rides on my scooter. It all came back. My Arrival, how I had come to this point in time. I thought perhaps it was fitting that on this auspicious day, it was an accident of timing that I should make this journey in this fashion. Would my outlook have been different if I had been facing the other way? Would I have thought that I moving forward into a new future? I don't know but I travelled as I did. I am on a joruney to find out which face life is watching me with, truly believing my son will be better off seeing more of me, knowing I will be better off if this right, which is ours, is bestowed on us by strangers.


Le Palais Rusca is opposite the Palais de Justice in Nice. It is a low red pinkish building. The security is airport like in appearance but ineffective. It crosses my mind if I was a disgruntled citizen it would be fairly simple to run amok and cause damage. Luckily I am not the type.
The floor is laid out in shiny grey squares surrounded by pinkish borders... it's a modern place. The toilet seat is broken. People come and go from the bathroom complaining about no paper. No one notices the 50 or so rolls stacked up against the wall. The place is bustling with people. My ex sees me and comes towards me. I say hi. She says Hi. We can't keep eye contact. She sits beside me and crosses her leg toward me. I wonder if she still has feelings for me, for I don't understand why she is any way near me. She gets up and goes to look around and see what room we are to be in. She comes back to tell me. I am hyper stressed, palms sweating, I don't want to say anything in case I say the wrong thing and make it all worse. What if I make a plea for her to think of boy and what he wants? What if I ask her the point of all this?

My lawyer arrives she is calm, she looks pleased at my appearance. I have taken out the studs in my ear, I am wearing my teaching outfit, pressed shirt, razor crease trousers, shiny shoes. We don't recognise each other now and then we do. She tells me it will be fine. She asks is my ex here, I say yes. She goes to introduce herself and find out if her opposite number is around. Apparently not yet. He arrives late. He sees me and acknowledges me before he knows who I am. I knew who he was straight away, don't ask how, I saw him come in, I saw him walk down the hall, before he saw me I knew him.

My ex goes into a room I wait outside. She is out in no time. I go in. There are two women sitting at a long table. It's a modern office, not what I was expecting. One of the women is thin and grey. I didn't register her face, she was a grey as the computer in front of her her hair glasses, skin, everything blended into the machinery and the formica covered table. The other lady is big. Younger than I she hasn't washed in a few days. She is very heavy she starts talking to me. I am looking for the Judge. I assume he will come in the door over to my right. I sit on the office chairs, they are beige with more pink cushions worn down from how many couples clenching their ass cheeks over the future of their kids?

The big lady is talking....I realise she is the Judge.

She is asking me if I am who am. If I am the guy who married my ex on Jun 29th and that my son Boy born on 13 April 2000 is he as well. I state yes to Boy Born on April 13th. The date of the marriage is wrong, is it a trap? Too late to say anything, there is another question.

Are you in agreement for Divorce? Yes, I reply. I have re made my life, I am going to have a child, my son is delighted to be a brother finally and no longer be alone, we want more time together.........She notes something down. "Are you in agreement for divorce?
" Yes Madame I agree to divorce! "

Why is it your ex epouse who has submitted the petition?"
"Actually I went to see a lawyer who was not efficient in his job. I thought I was doing the right thing telling her. I had to change lawyers. She managed to get her petition in on her terms first." She notes something down.
I am looking at a huge welt of body fat on her arm, I am taking in her dirty hair. I am not struggling at all in French but I am not present to my words or her aura, I can see everything between us, we are the universe.
"Thank you sir you may call in the other people".

I rise and go back to the door behind my left I open it and hold it for the others to come through. Will she see at least I am polite?
There is hesitation, we are supposed to sit in the middle, the lawyers somehow endup being sheppherded by the couple who take the outside chairs.

He starts to talk. Their argument is that it has always been like that. Why should it change now. The fear for the psychology of the child. They don't want his free time activities to suffer. My claim for Alternative minding is a retribution for their demand for 200 euros a month. If I drop my claim over my son and agree to every second weekend and half of school holidays they will drop their demand for money. I start to tear up. I am disgusted. The nervous girl who I met in the hall way, now has a cast of hate and determination to her face. They would stoop so low those who know so little of the love between a father and son. I am more than disgusted and the last vestiges of affection fall away like dried moth wings at sunrise through the open window.

She starts to talk. She is nervous, she looses her train of thought, she mentions boy, the age of reason, why I waited till now, it's all a crock but it might work, she mentions we live in a expensive area purposely to be very close to him. It's true, that's why we pay more than we should and we live 3km away from his house 5km from his school. So I could be close to him. His name again. The fact I am willing even with the shared care to still contribute to pay for his schooling. How could I not do that?

There is more to say I am too nervous. It's too late, it's done. The deliberation will be give on September 23rd the day my parents arrive. 2 days after my birthday. I sign blindly without reading the divorce agreement. My lawyer signed it before me. She hands it to her right, ( I am on her left) Her lawyer signs it, I see his signature even though he is two people away from me. He writes with a carefully meditated flourish, too carefull that spoils the flourish effect. She signs it.

I notice all he has said to me is hello nothing else.

I notice Virginie my lawyer took the time out to be civil.

I notice the Judge knows none of this.

We are dismissed. I am the only one to voice thank you, and immediately I wonder,would that small thing make a difference.

I am shook.

There is a sea of people outside the door. I can't see Virginie my lawyer. I wait till my ex and her lawyer go. Virginie is there in front of me. She beckons to me as a mother to a lost boy, we walk down the hall, I see my ex outside her law guy talking to her. Now as I write I wonder was he angry? I don't know why that would be? Maybe I am clutching at straws. I didn't think it at the time.

Virgine is nervous, 'Look it won't be any worse than what you have now, at least you will know what days you are going to get your son and that can't be changed' This is true. 'Go have a drink'.... I laugh , one? We make eye contact. What was that I ask? I am disgusted. That was disgraceful they tried to buy me off for 200 euros. She shakes her head, no that wont work it's why I didn't even ask you. Go and relax.....I put my hand on her knee, 'You are coming to eat in my house when this over I tell her! She laughs. I think this person is genuine and I know it means absolutely nothing.

I walk off in a daze. I know she is behind me somewhere, is she trying to reach out? Or is she trying to burn holes in my spine with her lazer vision?

The bar is not open till 12 and anyway I know no one there now. I have no friends there to talk to. I go to the Grain de Cafe on Felix Faure. This place that has been a constant for me. The men kiss me in greeting and they have no idea how grateful I have been to them down the years for their humanity. Coffe and pain au chocolate. I write some notes for myself and for boy. For the future.

I call a few people, I get a few calls. I update people. I am destroyed. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I can't sleep I am too exhausted. Lover finally comes home I tell her about my day, I am very calm but so destroyed. I find it difficult to concentrate on her news. I apologise and she understands. She knows the Red Palace, she has been there herself. She has lived through this.

Now as I write I am emotional. My future relationship with my son lies in the hands of a woman who is younger than I. Fatter than I. Greasier than I. More Qualified that I in a educational sense. I have to have faith in this person and this is a challenge. All 5 of us in that room, because my son was there in spirit, All 5 of us in front of her are complete strangers. What will she base her decision on. Papers with figures, appearances? Finances? Manners? A strange name of a lovely boy whom she will never meet? What is this thing we call Justice? How have we allowed ourselves to evolve to this moment in time?

The Red Palace, is red, Is it for the blood spilled or the love broken, or do they even know the cruel mockery of it's heart when they send the ex lovers, the parents of those conceived in passion who separate in anger, who fight cruel games through priveledged educated white kids, over the future of their own fragile children whose interests and desires should be our only focus?
The Red Palace, no matter the result in the month of ripening fruit, will live in my soul till my days are over. I need to let its colour be a positive sign of things finally bearing fruit. Of change that comes perennially in September.

A life changing moment

So tomorrow I stand before my ex, and a Judge and lawyers.
I should find out if I get to have my son, who lives 3.5 minutes away from us, who is delighted to be a brother soon, who follows me everywhere when he is here as if I am going to dissappear out his life, with me more often than every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend of our lives. No matter how it turns out, it will change our lives because at least something will be written in law and no longer at the whim of his Mammy. Et Voila!
Wish us luck!
I just hope her lawyer father wasn't able to pull strings he should be keeping his hands off anyway.

Hello September

It's not like me to leave it so long. So hello September, the month where my life changes. It's easy. It's my birthday month, it was Autumn at home, things coming to fruition, leaves turning and long cold sleep setting in soon, September is the preparing for bed of the year where I come from. Here its still late evening.

I have been sick as a dog. I have had my best friend visiting. I am very lucky that Lover and she get on so well.




To all you perverts out there, she is a friend. That is it. I put great store in my friends. I have two life long friends, she and He. They get to see me as often as possible as besides, it's nice to have pal who lives in nice place.

I have spent great time with Boy. Lover is doing very well and baby is starting to kick so all is good there. Everytime Boy is here he is kissing the belly, feeling for movement. Everytime he is on the phone he wants to know how big Lovers Belly is and how many pumpkins it is. He is really excited to be a brother finally.
I have been in touch with my lawyer. I am very anxious. The other side as she calls them, the opposition, the other party, are maintaining Boy is traumatised by the birth. They maintain that the reason not to have shared custody is because we never had it.
They maintain that the expenses paid by my son's grandfather are paid by his mother. The truth of it is, even though she has given up her job (apparently) and Boy says she hasn't, that she is still working but from home, she still has more income than I, and doesn't understand the Judge won't award her money for herself. It's all about boy.
I wonder what they would have done had I put in claim for being thrown out on the street in a foreign country with no contacts or assistance?
Anyway that is probably the bitterness rising. It's difficult to stay calm. I hope for his sake that they will sense but I know they won't. The are not intelligent enough and they have been nothing but dishonest.
Perhaps it's good for me to vent but perhaps I am saying too much here in this public space. While I don't always manage, honesty and honour are two of my principles. I understand I live in a world where those two principles are not worth the paper they are written on but I would still like to have a world where giving your word means something. I gave my word to my son. I gave my word to myself. I gave it to my Lover. Hell I even gave my word to my ex. Now I have to careful that I don't allow myself to get trodden into the mud.

Maybe this is why I have not blogged in so long. So apart from being sick...is it the stress? I have been trying to have a great time. here are some shots of places and things and peeps :-)





But of course, I had to show you all this one too.

The Return

He is back and damn I am relaxed.
Apart from the viral infection I have just picked up.
Boy has come home to tell me he almost broke his hand running with the dogs, by smacking it hard against the wall when they jumped on him. Oh apparently his leg is scarred from the same incident, ( don't ask). He has a knot in his back because he fell down a staircase in a bar.....( sorry but from an 8 year old that is just too crazy). No medical checks nothing but not much of a sun tan either because his mother is careful about that.( excuse the note of sarcasm).
So Georgia got pissed off with Russia cutting off it's gas and telling it's smaller states to break free and Russia belched, George farted and world war 3 was averted by erm ............................are we allowed say French to American readers?
It's going to take two months for me to heal. Horaaay, I will actually heal! Then I am going on a get in shape program with a fitness doctor, a dietician and a physiotherapist, it's going to cost a bit but damn it's an investment.


The apartment buy is no more. We dropped the idea. I couldn't get my ex to sign a piece of paper saying she would go for half of it. We have not being together for 4 years, what is the point?

My best friend is coming over on Saturday for a week. Yippeee.

I have a ton of shit to write about, and a ton of photos to post but I just don't get around to it, it drives me mad.


So here is one for you :-)


The bump is much bigger now and all 3 of us are really pleased.

I am Grateful for

I have a friend who has tagged me to do a meme. These are peculiar things but she has asked what do I feel grateful for.

My Son
My Lover
OUR pending child
My health ( whatever state it is in)
My intelligence
My family
My Friends
My lifelong friends ( both of them)
My joy
My ability to make people laugh
My perceptiveness
Fruit
Blossom
Laughter
Tears
My Lover
My Son

and my friend who tagged me :-)

I am certain there a whole bunch of things I haven't thought about.

What to tell you.

Okay ........it's hot. I am trying to write a play for a friend. God it's hot. 30+ in the shade 40 + in the light. Twenty minutes in the sun means sunburn. My personal own body good news is I swam yesterday and today.
I aggravated the tendonitis in my left ankle but hey it was good for my back.
I also found out the Doc who is dealing with me is looking for an Iron Man volunteer. How crazy dropped in your lap is that?
It's hot. Next week I see the Physio only once, because the planning is screwed up. I had asked repeatedly for it to be planned up weeks in advice and finally when they get around to it there is no space.
I see the Podolog though, that should be fun. He wants me to go out for some beers.
I did a really silly meme on email that I got from a very dear friend and to tell you the gods honest truth I was stunned the amount of people who replied.
It's too hot to think. I was going to tell you all about how we finally conceived baby but I haven't checked in with Lover if she is okay with that.
Boy is still away, god it's hard. He won't be back for another 3 weeks.
My Lawyer has dissappeared but I guess she is on Holiday. bummer for me and great for her.
My running pals are now running half marathons regularly which really bums me because it means I will have no running friends when I am fit again.
But you know what. I am warm, we have a baby on the way, work bores the living shite out of me, I am a good dad, I am going to get fit and I have some very funny posts to tell you about. I just have to write them. Suffice to say Ar Lá has Tiochfaided and Chuaighed and all is well in the Castle of Warrior in Middle earth. ( only because I can't be arsed complaining). OH I am so not watching the Olympics, then all the advertisers will loose loads of money cause no one is watching and the evil empire will loose loads of money, and perhaps they might not have as much to spend on displacing people to build stadiums for drugged up dickheads with nothing better to spend their money on than watch dedicated athletes swallow their principals because we tell them too. Ha I knew I had a rant in me somewhere. Don't Tune in Drop out.

Expecting

My doctor asked me last week if there was a lot of stress in my life. I laughed. I told him the fact that I am alive in the South of France means I am stressed. I struggle a lot more than I should. I still feel completely out of water. I have heard that in the land of the blind the one eyed man is King. However for me that position must be one of desperation. How do you tell what you see to a community who have never seen? King? Outcast more likely.

I question am I being overly negative here and I hope I am not. I am, I think being very realistic. Given my daily frustrations with communication, with being precise, the lack of sport has served to multiply the stress a number of times. I told my doctor this. He asked me was there anything specific going on. I reeled off the list.
My divorce is happening too slowly and I am afraid I won't get to see my son enough. Some judge will look at what I earn, at what his mother earns and demand I give her money. He won't care she doesn't pay rent, he won't care that I have to have exactly the same items in my place as she has in her place, and therefore the financial cost is the same, he won't care she doesn't teach him to wash his teeth or how to use his knife and fork. I won't be able to commuincate adequately either with my lawyer or the judge.
We are trying to buy an appartement, the bank won't give us a loan unless my ex signs a bit of paper that she is not going to try and take a part of the appartment. I have asked her would she sign that paper and got no reply.
My lawyer is apparently on holidays so there is no advice coming in there.

We are expecting a baby. Lover is now starting her 4th month and we are very happy. Boy is delighted and really really curious. I have checked with him many times how it would be to have a sister or brother and he is just so thrilled. He feels alone in a world of adults with his mother. He feels it here too I am sure. I have told him that when he is back from holidays we have to organise that some of his friends can come and visit.

So the doctor smiled, I seem to be very amusing for the medical brigade down here. Perhaps it is my sarcasm or dry humour but I don't think they get to laugh a lot.

So I am back on the pain killers and the muscle relaxants. Lover seems to have a lot more energy than before and is really sweet and pleasing to be around. It is a welcome and timely change.

MY groin strain is easing up, My balls don't feel like they are exploding any more, just a little too stretched. My shoulder and upper arm are locking, my hip is locking...my physio went on holidays and his replacement seems a little run off her feet, and I am her last patient of the day...the work is hurried rushed and not as good.

I am changing appointments back to the morning to see what happens. There is another physio next week and it will be interesting to see how or what she does with me.

I have just another twenty sessions to go...........I must keep stretching but it's not so easy with a groin strain. Ah time for a pain killer I think.... if I come out the other side of this healthy there is nothing going to stop me doing my Iron Man.

Around the baby all we are able to think about are girls names, so previous experience tells me it's a girl. Boy is already trying to come up with names. Lover is very very happy and that is good.

The Beach or My New Word

I am just back from Lunch on the Beach. It's where I used to go to swim. At the moment I just catch some rays, hoping to be less white.
I people watch a lot. That doesn't mean I perv, but I genuinely watch bodies, expressions, gestures, aspects, styles, stances, and poses of peoples bodies and try to figure it all out. Like why is it always the women with the smallest breasts who go topless, and those who have fake ones.
In all my meandering on that I have coined a word a Mokini. Yes it's a mono kini but I called it a Mokini before you did. A mono kini is basically just the bottom part, as opposed to a one piece, which is a nonkini. Another word coined.
I think I might have got too much sun.
Still I look at water and I wait for my physio to give me the go ahead. I hope I can start swimming again soon.

He is gone for a while and a part of me with him.

Boy who has been with us save the odd weekend since early June and for a good part of May is gone again. Last Friday I had to take him to the dentist. He had been with his Mam for a weekend and I picked him up on a Sunday. On the Thursday I got a text message telling me he had a broken tooth and it was urgent he saw a dentist. It took me a week to get organised. Let me explain. I have no insurance for my Son because I work in Monaco, I dont' have the 'family book' my ex does and so I needed the French social security number. I replied to her text and asked her for it straight away. I got it on the Saturday when we bumped into her by accident in the Supermarket. Yes I am having a bit of bitching session.
Monday I got the name of Dentist off a friend, rang and booked. It was his first visit Friday. He was excited. More so when he entered the waiting room to find the only other person there was a girlfriend who had moved from school. Apparently they had been very close at one point. They spent 20 minutes giggling. Her mother tried to make conversation with me but was obviously uncomfortable. I guess I must be perceived as a bad father somewhere in the community.

Boy had two holes in his teeth. At 8 years of age his mam only gets him to brush his teeth before he goes to bed, so once the dentist was done with it was home for mouth wash and tooth brushing lessons. Eye drops for conjunctivitis and an awful lot of hugs as we were both aware the weekend, the week, the month, the time was nearly up.

Sophie, the mother of one of the boys in his class, bumped into me outside the village school. She asked for my number to invite us to eat. I had known already herself and Thierry were different, she is one of the 3 women in the community who has ventured to have a conversation with me, to break the ice. She is a kind person, perhaps a bit like I would be with a stranger back home.

I gave her my number we exchanged names, I made sure she would ring, but like an idiot I didn't ask for her number. If she doesn't ring I will get her number and invite them the next time I see her.

They are really the only couple that have reached out to us at all. I wonder about village politics of the bourgeois here. I mean it really makes me wonder.

To be honest I don't think many of them talk to me ex either. Given most of them are blow ins I wonder what rocks their boat, what goes on behind their doors. Do they even know I exist when they walk past without saying hello.

One guy has a restaurant, it's nice. We eat their and brings friends when they come to visit. We are known so to speak. Yet when he comes to pick up his child he doesn't say hello. He knows my son, we have talked about the school. He told me everyone knows my son. Is it that out of context for him to say nothing?

All the while I berate myself severly for not being more forward myself. Damn lack of confidence in another language can be very demeaning.

Do I really intimidate all these people? Why is it only certain women, two who incidently look like they could be sisters have spoken to me?

There is nothing as bizzare as people.

I am missing boy an awful lot already.

Quick One

I don't have arthritis or rhumatism. I have a severe groin strain, tendonitis in both heels, buggered disc in my lower back, siatica, torn muscle in my arm,deformed knee cap and a pain in the ass. :-) Other than that I am fine and rehab starts tomorrow.
Have had boy with me for most of the last month and wow it's just so fine. He is turning into a challenging argumentative stubborn lying testing little man. I am trying to deal with it with humour and not put up too much resistance. It's tough to know what is the right thing to do, but I would rather this challenge than not have the opportunity to be with him at all.
The sun is shining, we are in high summer, no fires yet but hotter than usual for this time of year.
Things are moving slowly on all fronts but they are moving. Thank God lover has the patience I don't have for all the paper work.

The Good News

The news, North East West and South, bring me information from the four corners of the compass and you bring me the NEWS, alternatively you me bring me new information, and therefore any number of new things becomes the news.....

I am rambling. My visit to the surgeon was interesting, I tried to teach him how to use his computer, he tried to pull me apart and make me scream. I did once or twice, but not a girl. The screams were more low down Dublin North City, like "Arrrghh HOly Fuck don't do that again or I will burst you! " He did it anyway, probably because he doesn't understand what that means.
We muddled through in French and English, Franglais. My French is good as far as it goes, but more and more often I find myself not able to finish a phrase. I am expressing myself in French in ways I haven't done before. So I come up against a wall when I realise I don't know the verb, or the emotion or the adjective I am looking for.

For the moment I don't need surgery. I am permitted, even advised to SWIM and BIKE ( hey that is two thirds of an Iron Man) but my bike has been nicked so I am miffed. I have a crushed disc that will probably get infiltrated but by what or who I don't know. I have severe tendonitis in my ankles, both of them, I have a number of muscular issues in the back due to compensating. The knees are fine, just a deformation of the patella, ( his words not mine, I felt like saying 'hey bucko that's most sore place I have and you tell me I am fine, maybe I should explain burst to you a bit more finely)...

He is worried about the tops of my femurs apparently I have some problem there that needs to be fixed. More scans, more radios, more expense. If I was in Ireland this would cost me thousands, it will finish at a few hundred bucks I reckon. But I will be fit at the end. This guy seems to know his stuff.

Last week I had my brother, nephew and sister in Law from Farmington Maine here. It was fun. Boy was here all week but wow is he turning into a changeling. Contradicting everything, grumpy, not eating, spots starting already on his face.....at 8....yuck it's going to be tough for him.

We worked our way through it, if I stand back I know a lot of it is excitement at being around us for long, and tiredness from being up so late. He is a trooper. This morning his school bag was 8.5Kg, I had to aruge long and hard to make him leave some stuff at home. When I opened the bag I realise no one had checked it for a few weeks. Okay my bad for the 4 or 5 days he was here, but really. I had to wash it. Picture it, your dad naked at the sink scrubbing your bag, your step mam putting on her make up, dad going crazy cause he is asleep hungry and naked and wants to get dressed and we should have left the house 10 minutes ago....boy is barefoot and not eating breakfeast.....arrrrgh what a mess but what fun.......no really, you have to laugh if not you have to cry.

Saturday morning we signed up to buy an appartement. September 1st is D day. It's slightly bigger than where we are, more central ( bad point) not as nice an area ( bad point) closer to work ( good point) higher and brighter( good point) not as good a view ( bad point) parking private but not covered ( good and bad), it will ours( worth about 50 good points).........and so on and so on. I am getting a bit anxious because it will be a disaster zone when my 80 year old parents arrive at the end of September.

So back to swimming on Thursday. and then to find a cheap bike somewhere :-) ....

It's hit 30-34 C the last few days. If you don't know what that is google it. I love it but it is way too hot.