New Bike Shoes

I just got new bike shoes. Brand new half price. The smell of the leather is gorgeous. The feel of the insole is fantastic. I couldn't wait to swap over the cleats from my old cheapo shoes that have served me over 1,600k since March. I had just arrived in on the bike ride home from work. I sat on the floor as I am forbidden to sit on the furniture till I stop sweating. My partner handed me the scissors and I showed my baby girl how to open the box. Immediately she was in pulling out the bag and shoes and I help her because it was so heavy for her. She watched as I detached the cleats and carefully lined them up on the new shoes.
She was a bit worried as when I come in she always bends down and undoes the velcro straps to help me out of them. At 18 months of age she hasn't heard of womens lib yet. When she saw me attacking her favourite shoes, she got a little upset, but I smiled and reassured her everything was fine. Cleats attached, straight, look about as similar on each shoe as I can possibly get.

Dinner is finished with, bed time for baba but god I have an itch. The shoes have been calling me throughout my meal. I pick up the new shoes smelling them, I have to slip my feet into them, OH GOD they are so much more comfortable, I didn't think it was possible.... It's nearly 11pm hell I might just go out for a ride. But I am on a big hill and I have already done 50k today. I will just sit on the bike maybe. The bike lives between the bookcase and the sofa in the living room( long story). I pull it out of its place, I am in foot heaven right now. I line her up level with the frame of the sliding doors. I have to sit up on her. I clip in. God damn this feels good. I back pedal a bit yep they are straight, they feel good. One hand on the door frame the other on the front brake, I moved forward gently , I get the notion to cycle down the living room, but decide against it. I see the clock on the bike and look at my woman who is watching TV. She says something I look up starting to answer, I remember I have to log my distance. My shoes are so comfy on my feet I forget where I am and I go to leave the room without getting off the bike.

I have released the brake and let go of the door frame. I lean 2 degrees left, oh Shi* it's just enough to start my voyage, another few degress over , the door jamb is too far away to grab, slowly I am going over, so slowly , can't get my foot out of the pedal, I am still going, the room is at a 45 degree angle, yes my right foot is free, OH SHI* wrong foot, 47 degrees ah the left foot is out, 50 degrees, yes the left foot makes it to the tiled floor whoohoo disaster avoided,.... for about a milisecond. My foot just slides to the left and keeps going .....oh oh CRASH BANG goes, the bike, the helmet that was on the handle bars, the sun glasses in the helmet go flying across the room and yet I manage somehow with arms flailing widly and legs like a near born deer to keep my balance.

Quick inspection, the bike is fine, quick inspection the shoes are fine, 10 seconds later, severe ache in back, in the ass as I hit the point of saddle on the coxix on the way down, and the left ankle begins to throb........I reckon tomorrow I am going to feel it. But I am okay. So the moral of the story, if you get new bike shoes, get out of the house and ride.

Been Away for a while now

Well I am sure no one comes here anymore, but the few that did will come back if I start to write regularly again.
I haven't been writing because I have been training, working, getting on with it, in regards to my kids and partner.
I am trying to be positive and in truth, getting the divorce has been a huge weight of my shoulders. For my couple however we had a setback in that Lover is without a job. So if anyone needs a really good web project manager or designer, do let us know.
Yesterday our oven broke. I am trying not to think about the things we need and the things we want. We need an oven. I want a wetsuit, 250 euros, I want a bike fit, 100 euros plus no injuries, and new bike shoes, about 100 euros. I don't have it so I have to wait. We have bills, like everyone. Our challenge is not to panic, but to be calm confident and collected about our abilities and to start truly to prioritise. One of those priorities was for me to get fit. In getting fit, I could then tackle a life dream. So the getting fit is happening. For the month of may I have done the following,

Swam: 13000.00 M - 5h 20m


Biked : 541.69 KM - 26h 37m 17s

Run    : 13.52 KM - 1h 47m 22s

I know that is a lot by normal peoples standards, but triathletes would find that small potatoes. However this is my news for the month of May.  I am swimming better than ever, biking better than ever, and Obviously the run needs a bit of work.
 
Summer has arrived, the tan is starting to kick in , it's getting hot and it's times like this we realise how damn lucky we really are.

I am a triathlete.

I have no idea where to start! The day has been full of emotion. Major stress, huge highs, emotional outbursts, but I am good.




I am a tri-athlete.



I have finally after 3 years of getting injured and trying, and trying and getting injured, finally, I have run a triathlon.





I don't care about my placing, as a debutant, a beginner, and someone whose training was completely out the window for his first race I am quite proud of myself and my time.

All week I had been stressed. I had no idea where to go physically for the race in Carros, on the Cote D'azur. In the end it wasn't so hard to find and not so far from home. The forecast was rain. I had no idea what gear to bring with me, I had no idea of anything, and as often when we are unsure or new to something, I became extremely dumb. I almost sacrificed my power into helplessness, but I didn't. I have been through too much to do that any more.



I prepared badly in truth. I had not got to run 3 times a week as planned. I averaged a half hour run once a week for the last 6 weeks. I averaged a bike ride maybe every 9 days, either 20kms plus or 56km. I swam 3 times a week, 1 for 2 hours and twice for a little over an hour and I have been doing that since January.



Well that's all back story I suppose. I woke this morning to a wet countryside. The sky was grey it had rained all night and I had never been riding on a wet road here. Too many injuries and my bike is too expensive to bother taking the risk because the main goal of my triathlon training is a race that will take place in the dry. However, today it was cold and wet.



I got myself lost driving around this place Carros, which is not the same as Carros village and for the life of me I couldn't find the sports hall. I finally asked someone when I was outside the pool, and they directed me back down the extremely steep hill to the start of the road I had just travelled.



Finding the hall was one thing, knowing what to do and how to do it was another. I got a call from and English member of the club who was lost and decided to go and get her and her entourage in my car and show them the way. I fell into a one way traffic system trap and instead of travelling a few hundred meters I ended doing a 10k ride in the car right at the time I should have been collecting my number.



I finally got back and a bundle of nerves I went through the motions of signing up. I saw my name on the list, number 95 leaving time 10:47am. I went to the desk and signed. The lady made a remark about name, and I realised it was she who had issued my licence. She had had to issue a second because my name had been completely misspelled on the original. I was amazed that of all the hundreds of licences she would give out, she would remember mine. I collected my free socks, My numbers, ( dossard) and made my way into the hall.



There was a Referee who was a cross between George Clooney and Chris Kristofferson. He smile stopped me and told me to put on my helmet. He even fastened it for me. In I went and found my place. I watched the others rubbing strange smelling stuff on their legs, I watched people kick my stuff on the floor around and with a look they stopped. I watched people do what people do to prepare for triathlons while I stressed. I bounced, stretched, went in and out numerous times, I ate, I ate again. I attached my number to my number carrying belt that I had bought the day previously. I wasn't ready. I had stage fright. Laurent, the Iron man and secretary of the club was hyper, and started cracking jokes about my name. He was delighted I was there but in truth the guy is a total nutcase, loveable but mental. he was going to swim in his socks. I am a debutant but there was no way I was going to wear my socks in the pool and the do a cycle and run. That was not happening.



I finally decided on what I going to wear over my trifunction I took just my bike jacket, I put some stuff in the pocket. I stretched myself out, I bounced around. Michael Jackson was playing on the loudspeakers, I moved and shaked a little trying to get my muscles working, the stress level was unreal.





I eventually headed out of the hall, there was a line of people waiting for the start. They mounted the steps, were held in place and counted down. I was so nervous it was etched on my face. Laurent took the piss again, he was roaring and laughing and I was grateful. He was happy to see I could take a joke, happy to see me race. It was my turn. I mounted up. They held the bike at an angle. Corinne the club president was injured so was taking the photos. 5, 4, I spun the pedals back I was still at an angle and tried to right myself, click, two, one, I span the pedals back, TOP, I was off down the ramp. I could hear loads of people shouting , ' Allez Collie, Go', I did just that. The first hundred meters were over slightly uneven ground it was wet, we had been warned many people had fallen. There was no way I was falling today. I came gently to the first bend and then suddenly took off, there was 500meters to a round about, off at 2pm and uphill hard, the road looped around , 'Watch out it's very slippy' they said. I backed off and went around and up, and up and up another round about, off at 9pm. I was back on the road to the pool it was steep, I was already puffing like a guy on 40 a day. Shit it was steep. I made it, dismounted badly, ran in to the area, unhooked the number strap, opened the velcro on the shoes, unzipped and put down the helmet and the bike glasses and off I went, the run was 200 meters maybe 250 up steps, I was hyper ventilating. I had forgotten my swim goggles. I didn't care, Up again I went and saw a lot of people coming down, no quarter was given. They were serious folks. The pool was a dome with a sliding wall in I went, they referee explained what to do, one lane 2 lengths, change lane, 2 lengths, change lane, 2 lengths, change lane 2 lengths, take your time, calm down take it easy. The water was about 30 C, he wanted me to sit on the edge and lower myself in, I was already down the steps, the chlorine stung my eyes, the first 50 was difficult, I couldn't breathe right, I was panicked, by 100 I had stopped to turn and took the turn easy by 150 I was in my stride for the stroke but I was exhausted I got to the end and leapt up the ladder and back down the steps. The guy who had started after me had passed me on the way up, I passed him in transition. I stuck my helmet, jacket and number strap on, then the glasses, they fogged up, I stuck on my shoes, took of the glasses and put them in my back pocket. ran to the exit, mounted and then it was down the hill again. More cries of watch out it's slippy, I was under such stress I didn't think I was going to finish, the fear of falling was prominent in my mind. Around the round about touching 40km and hour down hill another round about hard on the breaks and then a gentle climb. 2 km gently climbing giving it my all. I was being passed with regularity, Serge from the club encouraged as he flew passed. He has been my mentor since last November. A guy passed me and settled in about 200 meters in front of me and didn't get much farther till Carros village. The 16.4 km took us from Carros, to Gattieres, through Carros Village, and back to Carros again. Kilometre number 3 and the road decided to go up a wall it did that for the next 4 kilometres’. I thought how lucky I was to live on a similar hill and at least I knew I could get up there. I was beginning to settle down and enjoy myself, I let out a whoop of joy and immediately some guy on a rocket with an exocet up his ass flew past. I was embarrassed for all of about 2 seconds and cracked up laughing. I had no idea were I was, no idea where I was going, just that it was up. Half way through the cycle I was aching for the end, getting to Carros village I was sure I was last, people were out on the streets egging me on. I was conscious of not burning myself out for the run. Up again after the village, and then a series of false plateaus, rising and falling, all the time from distance looking flat. I didn't once engage the big cog at the front as I wasn't confident of the change back, the chain had fallen off the last two times I was on the bike and I hadn't regulated the derailleur. I didn't know was there more hills. Finally the right turn down hill, now I was on a flyer. I was pumping my legs, 5km to home the roads were still wet but drying, people were all the time encouraging me, I thought of Anton's master the hills so you don't need to pay the hospital bills. My legs were burning, I thought of tonis tri and how good she looked in one of her photos. I wondered did Krazykit Kat know or care that I was running today. I thought of Garen. He has been a complete inspiration keeping me going in my dark times. I knew he had a half marathon and I wondered how it would go for him. The hills were very steep, the curves were sharp the roads were wet, I took my time, I wanted something in the tank for the run, but already my emotions were bubbling up, already tears were trying to surface. I thought of my kids and family and I thought today finally after 3 years, my journey to Iron man can truly begin, it has truly been born. I got back to the finish line and there was the expected confusion of where to go what to do, I was now running in my cleats, bad move, I dumped the bike, dried the feet stuck on the runners, dumped the bike jacket, and off I went, I expected my thighs to scream they didn't I felt okay. I had grabbed a bottle of flavoured water and was out the door. The crowd screamed again calling my name, I couldn't believe it. I took off at a pace faster than I am used to. I saw all my club mates coming back, I got a high 5 from Serge, I saw Nat and encouraged her, she finished 3rd for the girls overall.



I was struck by how erect my body was. My head was high, my back straight and I was pumping it down the road into the industrial estate. No distance markers, my lungs were burning, my heart had stopped beating it was just a burning hole in my chest, I asked how far, there was no answer. I was pushed on by encouraging people, I was so grateful. I was going to do , I was going to finish my first triathlon. The pain suddenly shot through me like something snapping. I went from a brisk run to a walk abruptly. I thought of Trifuel and all the people there, I took a swig of water, I thought of my boy I think, I thought of walking just for a few minutes, just wait till the watch reads 12, it was on 08, then I could run again. I think it was probably still on 08 when my legs just kicked in and off I went, a few more hundred meters there was a kid all alone, maybe 14, clapping and calling to me, 200 meters more there was a time keeper, go on, you are almost at the 2 km mark. I wanted to stop my legs kept pumping, I turned the bend I really wanted to stop, my legs kept turning, I saw the guy with the flag in front, I knew I was last, I was embarrassed, I didn't want to walk now, everyone was waiting. I kept running, the ground changed from broken up tarmac to soft earth, and the change was welcome, allez go just 500 meters. I had to dig really really deep, so deep my emotions broke forth I ran 300 meters, and then the next person said allez go just 500 meters, I was sobbing, I didn't know why, now I had two referees on bikes behind me, I was grunting, pushing myself forward, I was waiting for that sprint finish energy I get sometimes, it was nowhere, It wasn't going to come, 200 meters to go I was blubbing like a kid, and shouting like an orgasmic tennis player without the pleasure. I could see the ref signalling to me, it Clooneystoffereson again, he waved which lane, I burst over the line to applause and shouts, and I was then suddenly very very alone. I couldn't breath. I thought I was going to have a crisis. I had taken my medicine this morning I should have been fine, I wanted a hug. There wasn't one. I got it together shaking and trembling... I watched the prize giving. One of the guys from the club saw me, 'Are you okay' I nodded yes, he waited for a reply, he could see the tears in my eyes, maybe he knew where I had been. I went and got changed as the bike hall was dismantled and returned to a sports gym. I came out, one of the marshals’ saw me, she had been looking for me. She wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine, just a bit emotional and her kindness set me over the edge again. I had to move away.



My emotions are still all over the place. I had a lunch with the club, nobody cared I was last but one. No one dismissed me, I got home to my girls, my boy rang to see how it went. My 10 year old thought of me. He was impressed with the distance but I am pretty sure he was hoping I would get a medal or something. We had friends for dinner, I wasn't great company.

I did my sprint triathlon in 1 hour 30 mins and 50+ seconds. I am a triathlete. I don't give a rats ass I am slow, I don't give a rats ass I am emotional, it was my race. I did it.

First Race coming up

Now that I am back to health I have been training. Swimming and learning to swim correctly, running a little and out and about on the new bike a bit. I have been enrolled by the triathlon club into my first Triathlon race in the  mountains near Nice, in a town called Carros..
I have to bike 1.4km up a steep hill to the swimming pool , run up about 50 steps to the pool proper and dive in and swim 200 meters, then bike 16.4 km then run 4k. It will be chilly, I will wear a tri suit, I will be pissed off on the run I imagine, given how I feel after training at the moment.
But I am doing it, that is the main thing, I am going to finish it........then I will post a report here, in this old space where I pass by from time to time, leaving some thoughts on the table or sideboard for passers by to consider.....
Lets not search for problems, lets just find solutions.

Why Ireland didn't qualify for the World Cup

Out of the norm I have to comment on a football match I have just seen. Actually, it wasn't a match. It was a near massacre. The Republic of Ireland have some guys who can play above average. Brazil have some guys who play average, the rest are well above. We have a manager with a great reputation, but someone who is aging, shown himself to be beligerent and one dimensional.
We have a team that cannot match the top flight of international football. I understand 2 central defenders were missing but there is no excuse for a having a midfield where Brazilians can waltz from one end of the field to the other, flicking, backheeling, nutmeging and in truth making fools of footballers who are paid astronomical sums of money in a league that promotes itself as the best in the world.
One of the guys playing tonight for Ireland was responsible for the goal scored by the French Hand in Paris in November last. He was at his usual game again tonight, not covering, letting defenders get between him and the goal, unable to keep the ball and has no business in a professional soccer outfit never mind wearing the green jersey of Ireland.
Frankly I was aghast at the gap in quality, style, and effort. I had high hopes after Paris that Ireland would go on and build. They have slipped dangerously backwards to  Stautonesque proportions. I am just glad it wasn't 6 or 7 because it could have been.

The difference between what I had, and what I have!

Normally when I cycle I go from here to Aspremont and back. It's a 10km struggle uphill that takes me 56 mins every single time. Today was the first day we have had sun shine in a while. So after my dismal pool performance this morning I took off on the bike.
Actually the pool performance only felt dismal. I didn't have the couple of swim buddies with me, and I spent my slow session looking at the sprinters trying to figure out how when I swim fast and they go slow, they are still faster than I.
I am still struggling with the technique of breathing without lifting my head. I am sure it will come but frankly it's frustrating. So anyway, I got home. I got changed and I took the GIANT DEFY ADVANCED 1, the winged wonder, the carbon copy of brilliance, the lightening strike of a bicycle out on the road for the first time.
It's rubbish. No I am joking, Actually it has to front chain cogs a 50 something, and a 34. So it's lowest gear, is not as low as the lowest gear on my other thing that up until today passed for a bicycle.
I went uphill as usual but found the second stage of the climb which happens after the first 500 meter hill, a bit harder, I kept going lowest gear all the time. There is one spot where I get a nice run down hill and then it's a hard climb again. The run down I realised I was in a unfamiliar position. The handle bars were different I wasn't too confident about the control, I hit about 42kph which is faster than normal for that part of the ride, already I was loving it.
On I went up and up, I finally got to a level part where I engaged the 50+  the bike took off. It was nothing short of incredible. I took in the views and screamed out loud with delight. I am sure the locals will arrest me some time and if they do hear me are convinced I am crazy.
I finally got to Aspremont, 12 mins quicker than I normally do. I don't normally have an hour work out in the pool just before hand.  The roads I was on felt smooter, the bike itself is way lighter but being built for endurance, and being built for quality, the difference is out of this world.
I had been beginning to have doubts if I could make the grade really. This bike has blown those doubts away. If I had a bike like that as I child I would have won the Tour de France more than a few times. It is just a pure joy to ride. The descent happened in about 15 mins as opposed to 20+ mins, I could not only get up to higher speeds than I was used to, I could maintain them, and there was still a lot more in the sprint tank if needed. The bike went exactly where I pointed it, it was extremely responsive. I am extremely happy with the purchase, the experience and good god, one of these days, I might even be able to call myself a triathlete.
I did break the speed limit on the way down, without much effort. Thankfully there are no radars.

My new everything!

Apt it is that today is the 13th of the month. I brought this home. It is the result of a lot of thought, and research, a lot of courage, and some guilt because it's way out of my normal budget range. But this is what is going to carry me into the world of triathlon.  It's a Giant Defy Advanced. It has a full carbon frame and Shimano Ultegra bits and pieces. Assuming it doesn't get stolen, this bike which I can lift with one finger must have something seriously wrong with it. I got it for roughly 2/3 of the price of new. It's been a store/show bike, so the saddle has been up and down but it's never been ridden apparently. I am sort of sure of that as it's pristine clean except around the saddle and handle bars where people obviously touch it.
I looked up the wheels on the internet, DT Swiss RR 1450's and the price I found was dearer than what I paid for the whole set up.

So I have been swimming a lot and I am finally getting somewhere with my stroke and distance and endurance improving, I just have to work on the breathing bit.

It has been snowing here too so I have not been running or biking. The weather is just crazy!

So I have a new bike, the weather is new and I now have a new status in life. I am offically divorced. I didn't get the shared custody of my son. The judge decided the only reason for that was that Boy himself hadn't requested it. I am now okay with it. I was hurt and perplexed for a while but I knew it wasn't going to happen. What changes is that I have a piece of paper, proof, ground to stand on to back up my point of view in discussions with my ex. To be honest I love the sound of 'My Ex' at the moment. I am not thankful for the experiences I have had in this story. I do have some resentment towards this person. I hope it goes some day and that we can as adults look each other in the eye and discuss our sons future amicably and intelligently.

But today is my day of new things. I swam further than before. I grouped together a big distance in the pool without stopping. I got my bike. I am a single man in a committed relationship with Lover, Boy and Booboo our girl. Who incidently, today, said her first word.

It was 'A Table', which is the call to come to sit and eat at the table. Isn't life just a really good buzz when you are not looking at your belly button?

January

Wow the little one is one. The big one is growing fast.

I have joined a triathlon club and I had an ingrown infected toenail which they treated without anaesthetic...

I can tell you I am not showing the other photos I have of it. It was extremely painful before, and during, but now it's fine.

I am also learning to swim properly now with my club. The breathing is bit hard but I will get there. I am enrolled for a sprint race at the end of March. I don't think I will be ready as I haven't been running at all. But I will give it a shot. I am going to focus eventually on very long distance but a sprint will at least tell me where I am at.

That's it that's my gorey news. :-)

2010 and what my year may bring

I have been debating with myself if I should continue to blog here. I am trying to write my book and not having much free time at the moment, it seems not really feasible to try to do the two.
However just now I have a free moment. I thought I would update what I expect from this year.
I have fallen into a pond of positivity lately. I am making things happen around me. Some good things have happened that I cannot divulge but financially I am just a little better off.
I am waiting for my lawyer to ring me so I know what the decision of the judge was.
I am re learning how to swim with my triathlon club and it's the first time I have had swimming lessons in over 30 years, and it's really hard to try to relearn something I was doing all by myself.
My shoulder hurts like hell lately from the effort but it's all good.
I have run once, last week and will starting stretching a bit more.
I am on the bike a little bit, so maybe this year I will get a race in and I can finally really call myself a triathlete.

A new job for both of us in my couple would be fun, helpful and good so steps are being taken to organise that. Lover is feeling down, guilty , and pretty bad about herself. I guess a combination of baby blues, some shame at loosing her job and turning 40 all around the same time have taken their toll. She is a little fearful. I try to reassure her, get her positive and boost her up. We all need her to be happy but I understand that is something that cannot be forced. Love sometimes is a commitment and requires us to give of ourselves to support the other.

My son is growing, my daughter is gorgeous, I am a very happy and content father. This role suits me. I wonder about boys lack of discipline and how I can give him some. Perhaps I let him have too much choice and should impose stricter time tables.

I am quite positive about my professional, and physical future. Sure there are issues, there are always issues but I am more than a survivor. I am fighter, doing, make it happen kind of guy and I have been missing that part of myself for so long.

I read a report lately and I am very touched by it. The Church in Ireland has been pretty awful and this one guy in this report has taken a stand. I expect many others to follow but given most grave yards are 'Hallowed ground' I wonder where people will be buried.  I am very touched by this story, given my own experiences in the church. I just thank the stars I am away from all of that now. I find my own God in my own way following the path before me.
I wish this man and his partner a well, happy and rich life.
http://www.irishcentral.com/news/First-Irishman-to-reveal-sexual-abuse-formally-leaves-the-Catholic-Church-81959012.html

So that's that then

Looking back over my year, I became a father again in January, I had health issues all year really. I got blue. Got through it and changed my way of thinking completely. I accepted my place in life, I became part of where I am. I decided to change and I did something about it.

I had my surgery

I joined a triathlon club.

Started to write again, even though it's stalled a bit


Oh and I had sex this year too.

Bring it on 2010. I hope to evolve professionally. I hope to finish my book to grow more, to get home more. Lets say I don't hope I plan.
I am just going to do it.

See you all soon and thanks for stopping by

So this is Christmas!

It snowed this week, amazingly it snowed and it stuck, I haven't prepared the photos, but might post one before new year.
The temperature dropped to -2 C at one point. Clearly it's been the coldest in the 6 years I have been here.
Boy is here. He is here for the first half of the holidays, so there is for once, no need to role play Christmas this year. It will happen as it should. Tonight we will eat beautifully and badly at the same. Salmon and foie gras, with champagne and blinis. It's a tradition. There will be no oysters as I am the only one who adores them, and I just can't manage all those oysters by myself.
Tomorrow morning on the 25th of December we will open our presents together. There will be no falseness in pretending. Santa doesn't have to come early or late. Everything for us for once will be the same as everyone else. That is good.

My Christmas spirit took a bit of a bashing from my job situation. A lot of people didn't want to go to the Christmas party. I wanted to stay with Boy. There were no decorations put up in the offices. The usual gift exchange didn't happen, and the usual hamper wasn't handed out. No explanations, no emails to wish anyone a good Christmas.

I was given a card and a present for the birth of my daughter which happened in January. I am pleased and stunned. Stunned that it took so long. My mind boggles at how their minds operate.

This year has seen a lot of changes. I have integrated myself in my mind on the Blue Coast. I belong here now. Home is a concept that is being reformulated time and time again. It is for sure no longer the house I grew up in, even though that is what comes to mind at the first hint of the word. That house now has strangers living in it.

I am aware of the concept of love this Christmas. What is it? How is it spread for many ? How do you express it and share it?

I am aware that on the other side of the world in New Zealand and Australia friends and relations are nearer to opening their pressies than we are. In our turn we will do it before friends in Mexico, California, Maine, and where ever it is you live.

I am aware that this time of year is a burden for many. A pressure. I know there are people out there lacking love, lacking esteem and that the greatest gift they might get is a glass of water, or even a smile, if they get anything at all.

I know that not far from here, someone might get a gift worth my yearly salary in monetary terms, and that very gift might be cast aside and never used.

I am aware there is a lot of love and care. A lot of concern for the planet, for our future as humans, for my own future. I know this, that whatever it represents for you, whatever the origins of the word, this comes close to a temporal mark in the year, a day or moment that we should acknowledge in the miracle of life.

There are enough of us positive enough, with enough love to go around to change completely the business and how the business is done on this planet.

This is Christmas, a time of hope and joy. Make it what you will but make it good. I will be here in 2010 with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and looking forward, no matter what happens.

The Advocate

The Night Before

I couldn't sleep. I was anxious. My sleep pattern had been blown asunder by a virus that had struck the three of us living here. This night wasn't any easier. The young one woke just as I was drifting off, it was 4 am. This time the solution was Daddy. Usually it's Mama. I sat on the edge of the bed rocking her in my arms. I hummed softly. I remembered a tune I learned by Liam Clancy. It was about a sailor leaving his ship as the voyage was over. I hummed deeply rocking with one arm. My memory drifted back to similar moments with my son at the same age. That child was normally Daddy's job to lull to sleep, to give the bottle after breast feeding had finished, to wake up early at the weekends so Maman could lie in. I did it willingly but now look back with questions and some self reproach. However there is no point. We are in the here and now and still she is drifting in and out. I try to put her down in the bed several times. I am losing my touch perhaps, each time she wakes and wails, wails and wakes. Forty minutes later , I hug her tightly to my chest and take her to our bed. Instantly she is asleep on my chest, like a small dwarf trying to protect his hill of gold coins. Her legs and arms stretching either side of my torso. The sandman finally visits emptying his precious cargo into my eyes, as he leaves the clock informs him it's after 5am and he must be thinking of returning home before the eastern sky starts to fade into light.

The Morning

I was late out of bed, not so late, but it meant skipping a proper breakfeast. I put on my cheap brown suit, white shirt, a tie with dark red and black bars, I looked sober smart. I parked close to the courthouse. In Old Nice there is the Palais de Justice, and the Palais Rusca one opposite the other, both buildings couldn't be starker in contrast. Justice has high glass walls and gold lettering for brotherhood, freedom and equality etched into white stone. The red court I described before and it's low structure reminded me of a rebuilt roman bath house.
Inside the security man made me take out my keys. I passed through the metal detector and it beeped. He handed me back my keys and admitted me. I wondered about the level of security. No checks whatsoever.
I waited for my lawyer to arrive, there was no sign of her.
I played people watching as lawyers in jeans and runners, or smart pants and shoes, or redhigh heels and mini skirts or shinny black boots with smart heels, all milled around on business all dressed as normal people under the black robes of justice edged with some white fluffy touch to make them look.....legal I guess.
I wondered about this game. They were ordinary boys and girls who had been through college and now worked for a living at the coal face of other peoples misery.

She walked out and saw me, she inquired about Madam, I hadn't heard a thing. She went off to find her. About 10 minutes later she was back, she tried to hide her satisfaction that Madame wasn't going to be there. She talked about the future, that if it didn't work out, it wasn't final. I could always try again later.  I nodded, knowing in my heart that this is it for the time being.

Eventually it was time to wait in the small hall before the courtroom. There were four chairs, full of coats and bags, and lawyers. There was I, and a lady of about 25. The other 8 people in the small space were lawyers. They chatted and laughed and compared notes and cases. I earwigged and took in the different senses of style, senses of  value and upbringing too.

My ex's lawyer had already walked past me, turned looked at me, made to move off and stopped, pointed at me and then offered my formal name and smiled and shook my hand. He wouldn't make supporting cast in a B movie that is for sure, never mind get a cesar or golden lion for that performance. I asked him how he was and he was gone without a answer.
Now in the small space I wished him bad vibes, I positioned myself to be in line with him, each time I sent him vibes he repostioned himself to get someone between us. I know I was being mean and nasty, but I had a sense of what was going to happen next and I was not going to let him do it easily.

We entered.

The same room as the last time, purplish walls, high windows, ordinary workaday tables badly stuck beside each other. A Man with well cut short grey hair, dressed in black, no tie, somewhat overweight, looked up, he seemed startled to see me. A lady about the same age beside him perhaps a little older, different salary bracket for sure. They acknowledged me. The proceedings began.

PROCEEDINGS

As my ex was not there, we got to go first, I was from that moment on completely ignored. My lawyer was pleased and nervous. I sent her vibes to stop her hands shaking and take the tremor out of her voice. They stopped.

She opened her file, made a point, explained it, and moved the page to one side. She made another point, explained it and moved the page to one side. Each time she revealed the next page with it's heading, it's argument, and she continued in this vain for about 20 minutes. The judge took notes, only one time referring to his secretary to write some thing down.

She made a good argument in that at 9 years of age living 3 minutes away from his father, having expressed a desire to make up for lost time, having seen his little sister and being more than comfortable with his step mother and having every thing he needs here, there is no reason why on earth this little boy should not be more often in his fathers house. She refered to different reports, and to nearly two years of evidence gathered and presented.

I was happy she built a good solid argument. I wondered why she didn't seem to have so much confidence in herself. When she finished she sat back, but as we were angled side by side, she sat almost back in arms. It was a surprisingly warm moment between us.

The rebuttal was to dismiss the aformentioned reports out of hand, to make references to bills that were never paid by me, which in fact were. To throw dirt and hope some stuck. The reply was unstructured, not very coherent in that the only reason they were against it was because, well they were against because they are convinced boy doesn't want it.  The reply was short, delivered under some duress, ( I was still sending forget your arguement vibes ) and was over quickly. The judge spoke,

The court will deliver it's verdict on January 15th thank you all very much

Monsieur Smarm the lawyer for my ex,  was from that point onwards ignored by me, he shook my hand afterwards, I didn't smile, I gave him the limp fish.
My lawyer tried to talk in an annex in private, he followed us in and delayed for nothing, so she said nothing.
She waited as did I.
Once again she explained if the judge said no this time there would be other times. I explained to her I wasn't living in hope, I was just living. She misunderstood. I explained further. I told her I had done everything I could. I had spent money, gathered evidence, come to court and witnessed her present a case. Now some guy will decide our future. If it's in favour of our argument, then great. If not, I still have to be a father, I still have my love driving me to teach and make him the best he can be, within reason and good measure. I will not be upset if the answer is no. Things will be clear, concise and legal. They will be binding. I will have at least a leg to stand on.  She wished me a happy festive period and walked back into the annex to get something, I wished her one too, and she replied but I didn't hear it.
She came back and looked at me, I told her I hadn't heard, she explained she had been through the same process all too recently. I was full of admiration. She had been thoroughly professional. She had done her job, and perhaps her nerves were explained by her personal story.
I touched her lightly on the shoulder as her eyes filled up. She turned away, hating that her mask had fallen.
I asked was she okay, she shrugged it off as if it was nothing. She complimented me on my sincerity and honesty.  Of course I was pleased.

The Conclusion

I spent the day in town with lover celebrating. We bought me a new set of clothes, and shoes, we joked that I would marry myself I looked so good, and then let Georgio, the assistant in the well to do store, into the secret that today was my divorce.

It will be all legal and offical on the 15th January. There are two important things. For my sanity I will be now free of an awkward unhappy, unpleasing relationship. It will sweep the deck clean and I can get on with my life and perhaps try to build something new with the mother of my son, for the sake of my son. I have longed for this for long.

For my son, his concentration is not top, his discipline is out the window, but he knows where ever he is there is acres of love and that beneath that , there are acres more. If nothing else this alone is a gift in life. I will not say that I put my faith in the law. My faith is too important. I will abide by whatever decision is delivered. I will get on with our lives. I will continue to be as good a father as I can be. What else could you ask of any man?

Now it will happen

When I get out of bed tomorrow, I will shower, dress, have breakfeast and go to court. In the court some stranger will decide what is best for my son and for his parents. The arguments will be made by two strangers who have met either of us a handful of times. The decision will be based on cold hard facts. Who earns what? Who lives where? There will be no weighing up of our personalities. There will be no weighing up of our history, or desires or our feelings. It's called the law, justice. The journey I have been on to here, will not be taken into account, but my lawyer will attempt to argue it to counter the argument from the other lawyer that I am some what less of a father than I am really. There are no drugs, alcohol or abuse issues being raised. There is just a couple of people, unable to communicate effectively in a helpful way. Who perhaps would benefit from a wise somewhat spiritual elder and a warm hand on our shoulders to talk sense to both of us. But then you can't quantify that with noughts and crosses and bottom line euros and cents.
I guess I will just have to be my own elder. I will put out my positive vibes and not think of any worst case. Everything is good and as this is the only recourse whatever happens is right for the moment. If anyone reads this, it will probably be all over by the time you get here. One thing will never change. I will always be my sons' father, and I will never break the promise I made to him as a babe in arms. I will never drop you son.
Gosh I am so anxious, but at least it will be over.

Liam Clancy

This is a man who taught me to sing, and taught me the value of story telling. I would have never sung a tune nor written a word, were it not for Saturday mornings listening to Makem and Clancy on my cassette player. I would listen, and listen again. I learned 'The Cobbler' , I learned 'Waltzing Matilda', I learned about the legend of seal people, I learned when it was time to leave her because the voyage was done. Any smattering of gaelic in music that I know, comes from those deep sharings, I was amused and moved as a boy, barely a strip of a man, not a hair on my face, as his voice caressed my soul and pulled at my heartstrings, and taught me how to dream...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbkwCidPlzg&feature=related


Copy and paste the link into a new tab and let his voice fill your glass. I remember he recited this,

The Night Stirred at sea and the fire brought a crowd in.
They say that her beauty was music in mouth,
Few in the candle light thought her too proud
For the house of the planter was known by the trees,

Men who  had seen her drank deep and were silent,
Women were talking wherever she went,
And like a Gong that is rung or a wonder told shyly
Oh she was the Sunday in Every week.

Rest in Peace Mr Liam Clancy.

Life

Life.
It is for living.
It is full of situations. Each situation can be seen as challenging or to be avoided, or as rewarding, or as difficult, tough, hard, fun and a plethora of other words. I have no doubt however that it is not meant to pass us by.

When we are old and grey and look back on our time on this planet, there must be signs of interaction with others, signs of achievement, signs of being here.
There must be signs that all has not been taken for granted and that all that has been has not been in vain.

Perhaps this is just how I, a man, neither young nor old make sense of my existence.

I was perhaps follisome in my youth. I was certainly naieve. I have a sense of something that for me is a 'right way' of  being with others and often I have suffered for it. You see motives are never entirely pure. My motives of looking after others are surely in a small way, motivated by a fear of being abandoned or having no one around. I have learned in my time here in this place, that different cultures, interpret human kindness in different ways. Many here interpret it as something to take advantage of. That has nothing to do with the place. It's everything to do with the type of people that are attracted to being here however.
I am  always right. I am never wrong either. In the great energy system that is the human race, I like everyone else, am susceptible to energies. When I postulate an argument I am right, all of us are. This point of view if you like, is valid because it exists and therefore cannot be wrong. It is an energy in itself. It might not be apt for the situation but it is not wrong in the scale of the universe.
I can ignore energies if I wish, as many do, and close down, which I believe leads to illness. I can meet energies head on which can with unawareness lead to issues,  or I can weigh each one up and decide for itself and myself how to react in the most healthy way possible.

How difficult to write about a concept when I know that each and every word could be interpreted differently to the way I intend it to be. My way of dealing with other energies has become more and more to meet them head on. What has changed from my youth is the awareness of my own reaction to energies and synergies. Sometimes I wonder am I more .....in tune with the reality of what is happening. I notice lately I am encountering situations that are mirroring my beliefs. Up to this point at this phase of my life, I  have meet a lot of energies that were counter to my beliefs. Now I am being affirmed. Now, it is no longer the same belief system or  perhaps it's better expressed by saying my belief system has adjusted itself, been tempered and refined. I am still afraid of things I call challenges but I have learned if I don't stand up face to face and look them in the eye....( what does that mean? ) If  I don't take responsibility for myself then I can't blame anyone else for my happiness or un-happiness. The buck stops here so to speak. This goes for everything from my expanding waste line, to my lack of real writing, to my job search, to my romance, to my sense of self and well being.

I have a friend who's Gospel is 'all we have is projection'. I understand this but disagree strongly with it. For in a balanced universe of Gravity and Flight, black and white, good and evil, day and night, if there is projection then there is reception. Reception or receptiveness to energy is I believe a big part of who I am. I read something today about the doing. Stop the bitching, the excuses, the explanations, the reasons, just do it. In other words my writing career that I have long abandoned for moaning about the French or keeping fit, or drinking wine, or spending time playing games on the computer, or whatever, will never happen if I don't make choices. I must learn to channel the energy into the place it will give me most satisfaction. I am like a Nuclear reactor but I am only being used to light a 40 w light bulb in the storage room at the back of my brain. I have so much potential and it has to start somewhere. It's up to me to be receptive to this energy.

France V Ireland I am changing Razors

Being home in Ireland was great fun. It was a great recharge of the batteries.
Last night I was in a bar in the Nice. Ireland were in the second part of a 2 legged playoff in Paris.
If they won they would qualify for the world cup.  I was completely alone giving it loads surrounded by 50 french people in an Irish bar.  We scored and got extra time.
We lost to a goal that was against the rule of play on 2 counts, Offside and Handball.
Irish people today are up in arms.
The world is calling the French cheaters.
FIFA have actually blocked comments on the match report on their website.
Whatever about it being a game and passions running high, to block the right to free speech smacks of cowardice and distinc lack of impartiality and honour.

It is true Ireland outplayed the French but they didn't take their chances and they should have done. So I won't come up with conspiracy theories. We could have won the match had we scored.
It's sad to see that the values of high Morals have been cast completely aside in this day and age in the pursuit of profit. It's sad to see a governing body block free speech. It's sad to see a professional footballer cheat and not be able to admit it. It's sad that the professionals who are responsible weren't up to the task.
I have a friend called Gillette, she is the best a guy could get I believe. The guy who committed the foul last night is Gillette's poster boy, the company that is, not my friend's. So while Gillette my friend will always be the best a man can get, I will changing brands to shave. Never again will that brand cross my door till they drop poster boy for cheating.

Ka Ching,

No, I am not writing about some Chinese philosophy.

 I am writing about the hibernation I have been in since I was about 6 years old and first played with the idea of living a life of poverty and prayer to lord god in heaven. Declothed of that wonderful illusion around the age of 26 having spent a year and a half in organised religious life, and many years previously in disorganised religious life, I set out on a path of trying to make my life work.

In short the good brothers were uncomfortable with my taking it all so seriously and to the letter of the law, and of really putting it up to them, and they sort of moved me sideways and out the door, quite quickly in fact.

So began a life of study and creativity. For the first time in my adult life, I actually found myself with a group of people in University with whom I had little or no empathy. Consider if you will a 27 year old with a penchant for detachement trying to have a conversation with an 18 year old child of an upper class family, who's only interest in life is where the next 42 screaming orgasms and whisky chasers are comming from. The source of finance for the cocktail drinking life was usually mother or father, in the detached house on 12 acres up the north west somewhere. The cash was obtained by lying about some obscure course in languages that was absloutly necessary for this grade A student and model of Irish Citizenry.

Then once I was qualified so to speak, and with a very complicated love life, I banged around film and T.V studios and sets. Nothing permanent but all good clean and healthy fun. Never earning a huge amount of money either but slowly building a reputation as a reliable team working, non complaining, likeable bloke. In the film business this means you get hired. In Ireland the film buisness how ever isn't as prolific as other countries, and I was still broke.

I said it didn't I. Anyway, when boy came along it was time to get serious and get a steady income. I moved into IT after a dodgy bar job here or there. As luck would have it, I got a lovely number programming for airlines. I got trained up, did ok, got married and then that Sep 11th attack happened.

The day we all lost our jobs someone rang me up to see would I be an emergency teacher of english to a bunch of kids in rough part of town. Hell Yeah. I lasted 2 years teaching part time, there was a down turn in the economy. I had a young child marriage problems, confidence problems, goal issues, and my wife wanted to go home. I had also finally found my way into a political party that I had been trying to get into for about 2 years, I had produced and directed my own play without a loss financially, I had almost completed a course in psychology, but as usual these things are for the middle classes, and I wasn't, so finance and pressure from my partner I gave it all up. So we came to France.

I started after a year to teach english, just as my marriage fell apart. Then I got into I.T and being the sort of guy I am I had no idea of salary.

Now 4 or 5 years later I do. It's like just before my operation something went Ka Ching, or is ker chaing, anyway the penny, about 6 million of them in fact dropped.

If our dreams are ever going to come through, it's time, beyond time in fact, but better late than never, to get up off of my rear end and make it happen.

Who knows by the end of the year instead of stressing out at  the end of each month because I am overdrawn and then the bank charging me more money, and so a sticky downward spiral begins and gets deeper, I might just be able to come home from a meeting someday and look at lover at say .......Ka CHING.

I might sound sad, but I am just nervous as hell and pretty excited about the future.......ker ching!

(Image courtesy of : http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01431/euros-cash_1431091c.jpg )

Health

My arms feel like rubber. I feel like I am one of those nodding dogs. You know when I was 7 years old my parents went to the U.S.A. They brought me back an alabaster football player with a spring for a neck. It was fun. I think he had a red jersey, touch his head it would bobble up and down. Touch mine it will just fall forward.
I got the xrays back too. So here is another question. Anyone interested in seeing what they did to me on the inside?
Booboo is ill. She has rhynolaryingitus.....I haven't a clue how to spell it and I am too feeble to bother looking. She is a trooper but gosh it's a heart breaker to see her so ill.

Recovery

I am feeling a lot better. I have much less pain. The pain is more localised. Last night I slept a bit better but it was still 3am before I dozed off.
I will probably go back to work near the end of the month. Lover lost her job the day I was operated and it's an anxious time for us. I try to stay focused on the positive, on moving forward. I try to make it happen for me in a way. Not easy when I am not so lucid and I don't have much focus. I go to rehabilitation every day. My fitness before this issue, and the fact I am doing what I was told to do, seem to be helping me heal quicker than expected.
So it's all good news.
We go to Ireland for Halloween, just 5 days. I am so looking forward to being on my feet, seeing family and friends, feeling my ancestors, smelling the rain, feeling the wind....and 5 days of that will be enough to take the edge of the longing :-). I would murder a pint of Guinness.
So anyone thinking of me out there, I am fine. Getting to where I am supposed to be. Now if I can only find a way to have a lot more money life would be darn near perfect ......

Giving you what you asked for :-)

This is for you spooky people out there who said post the photo. I feel a bit odd about doing it but what the heck might help someone if they have to go through the same thing. So here is some factual information. All that red stuff is a sterilising fluid not blood. There is no blood but lots of bruising, all that stuff that looks yellow well it is, and blue and black and whatever.

I am better than I was when that photo was taken. I spend most of my 24 hours a day between sleep and awake...neither one or the other. Lover is looking after me so patiently and putting up with my extremely bizarre mood swings due to the funny meds they had me taking. I am in a lot of pain but it has dulled a lot. I don't really have any strength to speak of. I am loosing my almost 6 pack belly by the day. I don't have the strength to lift my arms above my head.  I have something weird going on in my throat probably the stitches...I hope so, otherwise I might have another problem. I am not tasting blood anymore which is good.
The cut is a good one, the scar won't be hugely noticeable I think. My left arm and hand are numb/pins and needles still, but immproving. This just has to be the last health issue I have. There is a life to be getting busy with.
Perhaps it's telling me slow down, but honestly if I was any slower I would be going backwards...Actually I am going backwards on the sports front. But hey. I am undergoing physio and all will be well.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Already I am getting flaky again and very sore so I have to stop writing and post.