Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Looking Forward

Why do I look back over painful times?
Why do I feel preoccupied with me, how I develop, how coherent I am, how hypocritical I am?
I have found for the most part people throw their principals aside if they get enough of anything that they like.
Why is important to be principaled if no one gives a toss anyway?
Well enough of that. I might be responsible for my own difficulties but I am looking forward.
Heads up 2009 here I come.
From now on, it's me who decides.
So a small word of thanks to those who have been reading. To those who have left comments thank you so much. For those who have contacted me outside the blog and checked in and shared, I hope for all of you 2009 will be as good for you as it is going to be for me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


The wonders of Life and Modern technology. I wonder what the future holds for junior?

Monday, December 15, 2008


I am wondering about the reason. Yes I am one of those who believe everything happens for a reason, or better still, if you open yourself to it, life will teach you a lot.
Life is definitely teaching me. I am on a curve so steep that an F16 would probably cut and dive half way through. The ironic beauty of this curve is that I have no idea what's at the end. To be honest I have ideas as to the why. Some I can articulate. I believed myself and my ex where embarking on a new start instead of going down the plug hole.
I didn't believe in abandoning my son. I was found by Lover. These are three reasons I why I came stayed and am still here. Luckily now there are more, the 'Expected' will be another reason, the job of course, so I guess there are a handful of reasons as to me being here. A handful of anything is just enough for fun.
It comes down to choice. My choice. So I am responsible for it.
I wasn't believing I was choosing it to be as difficult as it is, but maybe I am responsible for that too. Perhaps I have been sitting here feeling crap since day one, and accepting it. That's all fine and dandy unless a body is willing to do something about it too. I mean like acceptance....yeah it's important, but the getting on with it bit, that is damn important too. So how have I been getting on with it.....well, I did the driving licence. I got the job. But, I didn't kill myself searching for another one. I osmosis-ized rather than learned French. Still I am doing well. I pushed myself to read a book in French, good! I have another I could start and improve, because by golly I still have problems with it.
Like just to day, my phyiso was in a crap mood and told me to head off home if I am struggling so badly here. She was pissed at me and everyone. I have had days like that. So I did the calm talk looking in the eye, telling her hey it's my fault. I didn't manage to articulate the bit about it not being the fault of the French. Perhaps I haven't articulated that at all. I own my struggle do you hear?
I am trying to get to the bottom of it. I just haven't yet managed to blow the fog away to see clearly what it is I am supposed to be looking at. The tough bit is that in owning it, you get to a lonely place. So I should do something about that too.
So the question for the day. I was a writer at one time, it's what I wanted to be. Why am I not now? I mean really why? Only I can answer that question, the good thing is I am running out of excuses.
Santa is coming!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


I have started a new treatment. It's called Meziers. It's named after a woman.
Basically I get my legs tied up in the air while I lie on a big bed.
A rather small physiotherapist then beats 7 shades of proverbial S*@T out of me while I writhe in agony, and attempt to keep my breathing deep and regular and in synch with the foot lifts and drops...and push my waist down, and my belly out, and my shoulders down and keep my head straight.
I am not sure if it will work, but it will certainly prove I am not faking injury.
The office party is this week.
You have no idea how that sentence just makes me feel like sludge.
Weather is unseasonally cold. I am wondering how it is elsewhere. How much longer things have to go on like this?: I mean rescuing the motor industry? Please, we should be forcing them to go electric. There is a car in monaco can go 220kph and it's electric, and uses solar panels and is not at all bad looking.

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