Sunday, August 23, 2009

Chill

It's been a strange summer. All that I could ask for in some ways and yet it irritated the bejaysus out of me. When I look back on my Summer which is not over yet, I realise someone has been in my space since June, give or take 70 days of no time to myself. That was countered of course by getting on the bicycle or trying to go for a run or swim. Result I am fitter at the end of Summer than at the start. Thats ok.
I am carrying some small niggles and hoping they don't blow up on me into something serious.
Lover and my baby girl have gone to Italy, taking with them the wonderful but irritating dog, and the lovely and helpful mother in love, (lovers mother). Boy is in Corsica since August 2nd. I am now alone. I am wondering what effect it has on the system.
I am not in the slighest bit lonely. I have frustrations with where I am at. I am trying to do something about it. Today however I will chill. It's hot, the Mistral or it's cousin is blowing up from North Africa, but gently. So it's very hot. I was raised in a watery sea of green grass. Here it's arid, red rock. Perhaps that's a compliment rather than a conflict, or at least it should be viewed as so.
The future is calling, it's time to start thinking of what shoes to wear for the journey. However that decision can wait perhaps till tomorrow.
Today I will do the opposite of the atmosphere, and just chill alone.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

An Epiphany?

Today I got on the bike too late in the day but not too late as to suffer too much. I was late out of bed, I ate breakfeast.

Lover wanted a pic nic but I had shared on Friday I wasn't interested. I had a long cycle planned for Sunday and I am sticking to it.

Up I went and realised as soon as I was saddled my front tire was devoid of air. I felt like a plonker, right in front of the appartment pumping air into my tire. Maybe it was a sign to stay home....

I cycled up hill, and as I went I noticed those purple trumpets, creeping over the fence almost herarlding my every effort.

I saw an old(er) man walking his bike uphill, he gave me his hat and it made my day.*
I went further up and further, and then down a step decline to go back up again. Superman on the worlds fastest road bicycle passed me and left me for dead.
I could swear he was doing at least 45-50 kph uphill, I was struggling with my steady 9.

Every kilometer that passed more trumpets sang to me, and white and yellow bursts of applause reached out to touch me as I went past.
It was a good cycle. I went farther than I have ever been up and up.

At some point looking out over the hills at Aspremont just before turning for Tourettes Levens, a phrase popped into my head. I belong here.

It has taken 6 years but I belong here. That phrase came back again and again. I thought how lucky I was to live in place, the hills, the scorching sun, the sea. This place where I have children and a lover. I thought of my neighbour who is an avid cyclist who might yet turn into more than a passing acquaintance. I thought of discussing with him how lucky I was to be here.

My spirt spoke and said no it's not luck. It's choice. I made my choices and now I should give myself my own hat.*...

I belong here. My sweat has seeped into the ground as have my tears. I belong here.
Later I noticed the trumpets had wilted in the midday heat, I too was wilted, at the end of my force, I tried my mantra I didn't believe it, I was too tired.

However, on this strange day of days, it's true to say, I belong here.

*[in french when you are congragulated, they tell you chapeau, or hat. It's like doffing the hat to you]

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Seeking the past?

I seem to have had an urge to track down old friends in the last few years. I am not someone who keeps friends too easily. Maybe as I have matured I have remembered to return emails, phone calls, not forgotten names and birthdays. I have always been forgetful.
One time I met a lovely girl at a night club. We went back to her place and didn't have sex but we had a nice evening. She left on holidays for two weeks the next morning. When she got back and rang me, I had no idea who she was. It was hurtful for her. It took me about 3 or 4 days to remember, when I did, I rang her back and tried to apologise. She didn't buy it, I didn't blame her.

I have met a lot of people in my life. A lot of ships have passed both by day and night. Lovers and friends have come and gone.
One thing I am interested in, is how everyone is. I wonder how past friends have faired in their lives. Have past lovers found their prince charming, who I certainly wasn't, or princess charming for that matter? Have past buddies become dads, successful business men, are they gay and out?
Who are the children that call these people Mother, Father, Lover and will most likely never know that for a moment in time, I shared a part of their identity, contributed to their makeup and was clearly affected by their presence in my life?

One or two people I have managed to track down to some success. One or two, to point blank empty stares coming back from the internet as first touch messages are replied to, and then there is the deep white hole of an empty space and time continuim where the relationship now carries on in it's pre-recontact form. Each of us having ceased to exist for the other. I think my forwardness in admitting I still 'feel' for these people might be a part of it.

What is curious for me, is that no one is looking for me.

That line jumps out of the page and whacks me accross the face and I sit there not reacting, turning the other cheek.

I am not sure to be honest I would want too many of my old entourage, groupies, hangers on, lovers, friends, acquaintances tracking me down, for a deep and meaningful. At the same time, however, there are many who made an impact on me. I remember the good times, the sharing, the things we had in common and I wonder what part of me was so weird that no one wants to get in touch?
What part of me is it that is so weird that does want to get in touch?

Perhaps I am basically lonely, I would guess in hindsight I have rarely been not lonely around people. In fact probably the only time I can be sure to be not lonely is when I am alone.

Perhaps I am just a good natured soul who cares in my own clumsy way. Perhaps I have just too much time on my hands and not enough occupations.

Either way those of you, who touched me, reached out and allowed your fingers to caress my soul and opened your ears to it's music, even it did make you run screaming, I am grateful for the time we shared, and hey if you are reading this and we shared something in the past, get in touch? The rest of you, for the most part I wish well, success, wealth health and happines. Yes there are one or two of you I wouldn't piss on if I saw you on fire at the side of the street, but hey, you make your bed you lie in it.
I am sure I have changed just a tad for the better, I wonder have you?

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Another Beginning

Last night was nuts. Boys last night we broke the regular habbit and ordered Pizza. I am normally sort of fastidious about what I eat and Pizza is usually on the menu maybe once or twice a year. Yeah so what?
This month we had it twice. They are great, but just not any good really.

So last night boy was feeling tired. He had scuba dived for the first time on Friday with the summer play centre.It had taken a lot out of him.

His Mam and I had a huge row on the phone at the beginning of the week about when he would go back to her. As usual it was earlier than I planned.
Partly my fault as I didn't understand her message at the start of the stay. However her need to abuse and holler down the phone when I ring to sort it out is depressing.
I have lost practically all respect for her which is a shame. I just keep reminding myself she is my son's mother.

Boy didn't manage to eat the pizza. We sat and watched the 'Goblet of Fire' one the better Potter films, I was wondering why

he wasn't holding on to me for the scary bit, I turned to him. He was fast asleep with his head on his head, as if he was trying to figure out some problem.

We woke him up gently and offered him the chance to go to bed. He refused. I had promised him as last night treat. It was a trip at 11:15pm long after he should have been asleep, to Italy. We had to pick up baby's grandmother from the train station.

Boy was a little freaked when we got there, the train was over an hour late, we hung out. There was the usual drunks, down and outs, tired fathers, anxious mothers, taxi drivers, impatient ciggarette smokers, plenty of trash and grotty corners. At night the effect was rather errie. The excitment coupled with the tiredness meant he had a good time.

Finally Nona arrived, with Sid. Sid is blonde for want of a better description. He smells. He got down off the train and promptly crapped on the platform. Nona was mortified. Boy was laughing his head off but still wanted out of Errie'sville train station asap.

Sid is a dog. A big dog. A year old, strong muscular well behaved and tried to take me on with his growling twice already. He should watch out I bite.

It was 2am by the time we had all hit the sack. Myself and boy shared the big sofa bed in the living room, ( another one of his special treats). I woke several times covered in sweat. It's 27 C in the house at night. NUTS.

I had planned to be up to running speed this month I am not. My nutrition could be better. I have a lot of fatigue I shouldn't really have. So I am just going to make it up in Calories and excercise. The meds are moving the brick on my chest.

I sound like the 'Godfather' at the moment. The dust in the inhaler sticks to my vocal cords....it's interesting. It changes

my normally resonant tenor voice, to that of a down and out scumbag who might slit your throat if you look at him. I don't mind until the crap in my lungs comes up.. Yuck.

Okay I am not even proof reading this. Baby has had some problems with the doc finally telling us the compliment milk we are using, when her mama is not around, is no good. She has an allergic to cow milk she told me.

The doc is an odd character for me. A somewhat goodlooking but aged lady from China. Polyglot, but a head like a sieve. She probably experiences the same things I do trying to think in three languages, or two and two halves.

Right I need a nap. Then shopping and then nothing planned. For the first time in 6 weeks I don't have the day planned around boy. I wish I did. I won't see him now till September. I saw my ex sister in law. She looks good 6 months pregnant. I have
always had time for her, always will. There are a lot of babies around boy at this time. It's great for him.

I have been up and down struggling but then well I will get out of it sometime.

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