Monday, December 15, 2008

Why?

I am wondering about the reason. Yes I am one of those who believe everything happens for a reason, or better still, if you open yourself to it, life will teach you a lot.
Life is definitely teaching me. I am on a curve so steep that an F16 would probably cut and dive half way through. The ironic beauty of this curve is that I have no idea what's at the end. To be honest I have ideas as to the why. Some I can articulate. I believed myself and my ex where embarking on a new start instead of going down the plug hole.
I didn't believe in abandoning my son. I was found by Lover. These are three reasons I why I came stayed and am still here. Luckily now there are more, the 'Expected' will be another reason, the job of course, so I guess there are a handful of reasons as to me being here. A handful of anything is just enough for fun.
It comes down to choice. My choice. So I am responsible for it.
I wasn't believing I was choosing it to be as difficult as it is, but maybe I am responsible for that too. Perhaps I have been sitting here feeling crap since day one, and accepting it. That's all fine and dandy unless a body is willing to do something about it too. I mean like acceptance....yeah it's important, but the getting on with it bit, that is damn important too. So how have I been getting on with it.....well, I did the driving licence. I got the job. But, I didn't kill myself searching for another one. I osmosis-ized rather than learned French. Still I am doing well. I pushed myself to read a book in French, good! I have another I could start and improve, because by golly I still have problems with it.
Like just to day, my phyiso was in a crap mood and told me to head off home if I am struggling so badly here. She was pissed at me and everyone. I have had days like that. So I did the calm talk looking in the eye, telling her hey it's my fault. I didn't manage to articulate the bit about it not being the fault of the French. Perhaps I haven't articulated that at all. I own my struggle do you hear?
I am trying to get to the bottom of it. I just haven't yet managed to blow the fog away to see clearly what it is I am supposed to be looking at. The tough bit is that in owning it, you get to a lonely place. So I should do something about that too.
So the question for the day. I was a writer at one time, it's what I wanted to be. Why am I not now? I mean really why? Only I can answer that question, the good thing is I am running out of excuses.
Santa is coming!

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