Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Back to Sport

I have the all clear from the doc. This is really good news.
There is a marathon in November I was aiming for last year, I thought I might have time to do it this year, if I am not ready I am not ready, but it's a little difficult to motivate myself when I don't have a target.

I am not in a rush, but I don't want to be kidding myself either by going too easy. My Training totals are not great for these last two months but I know I am making progress. Yesterday I hit 700meters in the pool which is pleasing. May 2008 I was swimming a Kilometer a pop 4 days a week in the pool so I have some ways to go.
Today I have a 50KM cycle planned between Nice and Antibes at 730 in the evening, it's a social thing and 40k will be easy enough,as it's comletely flat, the first 5k will be a piece of piss, as it's downhill, that makes the last 5km which will be a new distance for me a bit of a challenge.

I make sure I eat enough and drink enough so I don't bonk, the weather here is 28C at 9am so you can imagine the conditions. They are the same type of conditions that would probably exist if I ever get to compete Iron Man France.

I am cycling only once or twice a week at the moment, but once the month of July is over I am have a bit more free time. and can focus a bit more.
I have August Pegged as the month to see my training Organised.
I am at the moment paying attention to fatigue and hunger, I am doing core, and some upper body stuff to gain strength, I have a heart monitor, so they are all steps in the right direction which I didn't have last year. I have improved the diet and make sure to take in much more fuel than I had been.

It only remains to be seen can I keep myself motivated.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Wheels comming off

I am in a Funk. I spent the weekend with my stressometer starting at touching the red zone and finished it with the stressometer blowing right up in my face. It wasn't fun. It is very hard to balance a inner belief system that conflicts with a stress imposed system. Things that normally wouldn't warrant a thought in my system become hugely oppressive when the stress mounts.

Where does it come from this stress and how does one deal with it? That sense of not being heard, or understood. That sense of standing in the middle of the ocean and screaming for assistance while you watch everyone on the beach have a good time and the water pounds down on your head. Everyone around you ignoring you completely. Oblivious to you. You know the one. If you live on this planet you have probably felt it at least once..... or else I belong in the funny farm.

Boy had to go horse riding this Sunday. I was so proud to see him, my 9 year old son, guide a horse through obstacles, make it turn, trot, meander. I don't even know what half of it is called. I was just so proud. He came 10th of 22.
He is much more suited to this than rock climbing. He has more fun, is more sure of himself. Yet as I look back on the day I can see the signs of what was to happen.

It was extremely hot and all the kiddies were out in the sun. He wasn't drinking water. By the time I convinced him gently to come and eat, he was well hungry and thirsty. The day went on and on, he brushed down ponies, cleaned their hooves, attended the prize giving and choose a rosette in the Irish colours.
I well up with emotion when I see him on the horse now, in my minds eye. So proud of my boy.

We get home later than planned, my father in law who I allow stress me out the moment he is in my space was being himself. Jolly, spread all over the place, a little forgetful, no quite understanding the slow panic that was building up. There is no where to sit.

We discovered some missed homework. It was Sunday late. One baby had to bathed and fed, dinner was being prepared the table had to be cleared and a clean cloth put down, the homework should have been done, but we missed it through a misunderstanding, the guitar lesson hadn't been done either and boy still had to have a shower and clean up after the horses.
There was some moaning during the homework, the usual interruptions from NONO not grasping the reality of the situation, not knowing when not to Butt in and when its okay. It's not his fault.

There is no handbook for life. There is no handbook for parenthood either. There is certainly no handbook for little 9 year old boys who are really really tired and don't want their daddy to leave the room when they go to bed. There is no explaination leaflet on what to do when father and son find themselves in a mexican standoff, which has built up over a half an hour of daddy trying to turn out the light because it's bedtime for everyone and son not wanting to be left alone.

Who teaches you what to do when father blows his top so loudly with exasperation that boy is terrified?

Cue the feelings of failure, the feelings of being abandoned, of being a Useless father. Feelings that it has all been a waste of time, that by the time he is an adult he will have nothing to do with me anyway.

There is no map of emotions that you can track when you are crying your eyes out and you stop momentarily to see your father doing the same.

There is thank the gods memories. Memories of the same angst and fear and pain and tiredness, memories of sobbing so hard that my throat hurt, memories of being left alone with it.
They teach me not to leave him alone, but to stay close. They teach me to try again. They teach me to tell him I remember crying like that, making that whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu sound like an ambulance, or fire engine. Maybe he could get a job sitting on one? There is a laugh/sob. I tell him how I cried so hard I forgot what I was crying about, that I remember continuing to cry and not feeling like it and yet still continuing. I tell him we are proper pair of loo lahs and there is more laughter, some more tears from both of us, he wants a kiss from his baby sister, from Lover, from His mother, from His Daddy.

Finally he comes to sleep in our room down beside me on the floor in the cushions and fit mat. We fall asleep holding hands. In the morning we wake hugs and kisses. He is off to school, he mentions I might ring that night which is unusal. I ring. I make damn sure I ring. We are good. He is happy to hear me. I am as usual over the moon to talk to him. I feel cut in half when he is not around me.

Since then my stress has only mounted farther and farther and yet I am exhausted. I need sleep. I need a little change of scene. I need not to let that happen again.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The wheels are turning

I am back in the saddle. Biking , some very light running, swimming.
It doesn't always go as planned. Time is a premium in our lives.
We are not doing anything special, just out of the house 12hours a day.
It doesn't give much time for much else when you have to factor in an evening meal, relaxation, and sleep.
Boy is growing at an incredible rate, his mother is still be uncooperative and rude in front of him.
I find myself getting more and more impatient lately. I don't have time to be going back and forward. I don't see that I should be the decision maker in my couple either, but I am and I have to be, then the arguments start. If I don't make a decision on something then I am constantly asked to do so. So it's a juggling situation.
How does one balance it and not get narkey and under pressure all the time? On top of that people around here don't listen.
Oh look, I am having a rant.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Where are we going?

It's June 6th. Last night I rang Boy. He was in the bathroom so I rang back 20 minutes later. I got curt hello, then a 'could you call me tomorrow I am watching a documentary?'.. .....'Oh! Okay. Is it 'Home'?' 'Yeah', 'Ok, love you lots speak to you tomorrow, the whole world is watching it!' 'Love you too'...

So finished the call between a 9 year old boy and his father. .. . .

Today I have done some weight training, some stretching and once again I am going to try to restart running. I have been doing what's called core excercises for a few days now. Trying to get rid of a beer/wine belly after a year of no excercise is not easy. I took on a few kilos but I am slowly and surely getting back into shape.

I keep thinking I should write a book about all the relationships I had.

The urge to tell stories and write and direct etc; won't go away now. Now I am more relaxed in France even if disenfranchised, I can't vote either here or at home, I am finding my old spirit coming back in.

The only way to look is forward.

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