You know, sometimes life is just wonderful. In the last 2-3 weeks, I have become a father again. My daughter is wonderful, a miracle, amazing, and incredibly pleasing to both my lover, boy, and of course myself. I have seen my 'mother in law' barking on the phone to her dog, my sister in law arrived with a new style coat, that I had admired a long time ago. She is training to be a designer. Her taste is right up my street. A little conservative, a little......erm...left of left lets say.
In fact there was so much joy and so much newness in my circle I had almost managed to push it to the back of my mind. Then last Tuesday morning my lawyer rang. I knew from her tone it wasn't going to be good news. She was in possession of the 'judgement' of social services and would send it to me. As soon as I would get a translation I would ring her to discuss an appointment and to decide how to proceed. Nothing in her tone or words gave me cause for hope.
Friday morning I brought boy to school, rebuilt a computer with an amazingly strong graphic card, that lover had bought for my Christmas present. I was happy. I mean genuinely happy. That feeling that comes so rarely in life. The world is perfect, all your loved ones are close, no one is pissing you off, even finances momentarily are not a problem. I was glowing. I suppose it was like an after orgasm, or an escape to victory, or some feeling comparable. This feeling however had duration, longation, durability, realness, tangibility. I was alive.
At 4:15 I went to collect Boy, our 'copains' friends were at the school. I should fill you in, because of my history in filming, I had a panasonic T shirt. I was seen by a couple who work in film, they made contact with me, they are the only people in the area to have bothered. We love them and feel appreciated by them. He was there with his parents in law as the kids got out, and introduced me as ' a friend' and I was very touched. We had some banter. I was confident. I was alive. I was happy.
Boy came out and we greeted each other the way an 8 year old can greet his father when everyone is looking. We came back home and checked the post. I knew what was in the envelope before I opened it. I could feel the energy from it. It drained me immediately.
I managed to stay calm as I read the lies. The report included the social workers report about her meetings with me and Boy's mother and himself. In honesty it didn't appear to give creedence to the lies told about me. However the report, (made while she wasn't working) stipulates that things should stay as they are. I should see my son, every 15 days. I should pay his mother upkeep of 300 euros a month.
Let me say that last night basically I cried myself to sleep. Okay so emotionally it is hard, I feel my heart is torn. Yes I have a new life with Girl, Lover, but I would not Choose ever between Girl and Boy.
Now on principal here is what pisses me off. I have made huge efforts. Yes I clap myself on the back ( basically because no one else does and I need to feel good). I gave up a career, a culture, an identity and friends for something that tumbled down on my head. Smashed me. I survived. Now I have to play second fiddle to a person who now has a full time job ( funny how just for the period of the investigation she was available for her child) so my son is absent from his home for a minimum of 12 hours a day. Then he is often posted out to an aunt, an uncle, grandmother etc; while mother is off doing her thing. I don't have a problem with that. The problem I have is he could be with his father sooner in the day more often in the week, with his step mother, with his sister!
I live in strange society, I am very very angry, I am incredibly heart broken. So now my challenge is how do I do what is best? How can I even know what is best? I am on that thin line of trying to decide what is best for him and what it is that I want, and how do I tell the difference.
I haven't told him the judgement. I will talk the lawyer first. All else pales into insignificance, but I have a lived a life of comprimise too much. It has battered me to sacrifice my principles time and time again.
Perhaps it is just a fable that truth and honour win out. Perhaps I am dreaming to think that if I want this enough I can make it happen. How do I tell that it is the best thing? I cannot imagine a journey of 5 minutes 2 times more a month than happens at present would destabilise a child in any way!
But I know this, my desire to be a peace bringer, to be a person of principle, honest, has once more risen and bitten me on the ass.
From now on there are balls to be played and none of them are soft. The truth is like a well cut diamond, beautiful, precious, but multifacited. I will now show the other faces of our truth to whomever will listen and I will shake off the responsibility that this mess is only mine, and I will show I am a good father, I will try not to be motivated by anything other that what is right, but for once in my life, to show the decievers, their commeupance, ..........perhaps that would be loosing focus, but it would give such satisfaction.
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