I got out of bed feeling like I had been kick by the rear end of a horse. Yesterday the house was full of crazy 2 year olds celebrating my daughters birthday. This is how she reacted when Nail tried to get at one of her presents. I was fortunate photographically speaking to click at the right time . This is as close to a right hook as any two year old throws.
I am guessing I won't have to worry too much about her when she grows up.
Since my flu, my body has not been able to do what I wanted. I rode last Sunday for 50k. I was the first ride in a month and I felt as if I had gone back to square one.
Today was a huge battle to get out. Slightly hung over, extremely stressed out by too many people and too much of the above photo, they day previously had taken a lot out of all of us. I fought with boy by the end of the evening both of us going to bed, too tired, too hyper, too upset and neither of us able to make the other understand. So I felt shitty all day. I apologised at one point but he is really not comfortable with either the dispute nor the making up after ... My bad. There is no point in forcing the issue, but my heart is breaking that we have these difficulties with each other. I don't know how to handle an 11 year old boy who wants to be carried in Daddies arms at 11pm at night and he is jumping all over me and not taking no for an answer. He is too quick for me.
So the bad mood persisted all day. I organised dinner for this evening, I nice beef and red wine stew. It's cooking now. The smell is gorgeous.........so are my kids. They went out. I was beating myself up for being useless at being a dad, and useless at training. I was supposed to have gone for a ride, this morning but really didn't want to face the day. Finally when they were gone, I had some head space. I got my bike clothes on. That in itself can be an endurance task. Three or 4 layers on top, two or three on the bottom, two on the hands, three on the feet, two on the head. One bottle of water with an electrolyte tab, two small lamps in case it's dark, a bar, the keys and I am off. Uphill for 10kms, I can see the snow line on the distant hills, the air is fresh, lighter. Winter air is different than summer air. Winter air is missing something, it's like going into a room where everyone stands around the walls ignoring you, summer air, they press around you and touch you. Winter air is empty......dead, summer air thick with life. It was hard. It was faster than it was the last time I had been on that short ride, a lot faster than a year ago when I first did it. It wasn't fun climbing, but it was a relief to get there. I didn't hang around, night was falling, I turned around and sped down hill.
I crossed another cyclist and we played all the way down, passing and re passing each other. It was easy to catch him up and over take and put some distance between us, but he cornered more confidently than I and each time I was happy to let him back and over take. It was fun. It was great, I smiled for the first time, the happiness building up the bad feelings left behind dead on the road in the cold winter air.
A lot of my energy is directed towards home. I wish I had the vote. I am hoping the Irish people will vote in a government that will actually stand up for the Irish people. But the more I see going on in the world the more I am convinced there is some club where the politicians are in and everyone else is out. We are the everybody else.
Since my flu, my body has not been able to do what I wanted. I rode last Sunday for 50k. I was the first ride in a month and I felt as if I had gone back to square one.
Today was a huge battle to get out. Slightly hung over, extremely stressed out by too many people and too much of the above photo, they day previously had taken a lot out of all of us. I fought with boy by the end of the evening both of us going to bed, too tired, too hyper, too upset and neither of us able to make the other understand. So I felt shitty all day. I apologised at one point but he is really not comfortable with either the dispute nor the making up after ... My bad. There is no point in forcing the issue, but my heart is breaking that we have these difficulties with each other. I don't know how to handle an 11 year old boy who wants to be carried in Daddies arms at 11pm at night and he is jumping all over me and not taking no for an answer. He is too quick for me.
So the bad mood persisted all day. I organised dinner for this evening, I nice beef and red wine stew. It's cooking now. The smell is gorgeous.........so are my kids. They went out. I was beating myself up for being useless at being a dad, and useless at training. I was supposed to have gone for a ride, this morning but really didn't want to face the day. Finally when they were gone, I had some head space. I got my bike clothes on. That in itself can be an endurance task. Three or 4 layers on top, two or three on the bottom, two on the hands, three on the feet, two on the head. One bottle of water with an electrolyte tab, two small lamps in case it's dark, a bar, the keys and I am off. Uphill for 10kms, I can see the snow line on the distant hills, the air is fresh, lighter. Winter air is different than summer air. Winter air is missing something, it's like going into a room where everyone stands around the walls ignoring you, summer air, they press around you and touch you. Winter air is empty......dead, summer air thick with life. It was hard. It was faster than it was the last time I had been on that short ride, a lot faster than a year ago when I first did it. It wasn't fun climbing, but it was a relief to get there. I didn't hang around, night was falling, I turned around and sped down hill.
I crossed another cyclist and we played all the way down, passing and re passing each other. It was easy to catch him up and over take and put some distance between us, but he cornered more confidently than I and each time I was happy to let him back and over take. It was fun. It was great, I smiled for the first time, the happiness building up the bad feelings left behind dead on the road in the cold winter air.
A lot of my energy is directed towards home. I wish I had the vote. I am hoping the Irish people will vote in a government that will actually stand up for the Irish people. But the more I see going on in the world the more I am convinced there is some club where the politicians are in and everyone else is out. We are the everybody else.
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2 comments:
Great pic! Definitely one for future showings :-)
Although I am not a parent I know the battle of child and the journey that such moments can renew. There are no real plans are they, no real techniques to fit all situations, no authentic maps or footprints in the dowdy snow to show any of us the way forward, while we grow together. Bar of course the loving kindness that knits us as a united family and rests as the ever constant flame, weathering the storms of dispute and the frustrating gales of annoyance.
Be kinder on yourself, you try. Perfection is for the glorified dead or those too blind to grow. I suspect a man that cares so much is a better father and friend to his children then he thinks.
Your description of cycling made me smile, you obviously have a deep passion for it :)
The political rounds have already begun, two have so far called to the house. Neither have stood well to direct questioning or a logical plan of approach in terms of what I feel are the more poinant issues we are faced with. I don't want well polished sayings and PC replies, I want roars and guts, fire in the eyes and a thirst for real progress!
Thank you, and I hope you roar loud, show our guts and with fire in your eyes bear witness to real progress.
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