Down way way down

I am in a pickle. I feel like I have fallen into a big bowl of cowshit.
Here I am preparing for the big 40, looking forward to friends coming over, finally the house gets organised. I have finished all those small jobs.
My ex rings while I was cooking. She didn't say to my partner who it was or if she did, my partner didn't understand. I took the phone while burning my hand on the oven as I was preparing dinner and told her I was doing that and wasn't free to talk. She will be starting a job soon. A good job. She wants me to pay for the childminder when she is at work on top of my paying for all the schooling.
This is someone who pays no rent or charges anywhere, has a car, gets money from the government ( a good amount) for having a kid and to help pay for his education. She is also well supported by her well off parents...
I work, pay rent, pay school. I can't afford to pay a lawyer to get a divorce. I live with someone else who drives me here and there to pick up my son.
I have no problem for paying for the things that involve me. I see my boy every 15 days, so why should I pay a childminder when he isn't with me anyway?
Okay I am sure there are lots of moral, legal, one sided and even sexist arguments out there. However my appetite dissappeared. Perhaps it was to do with the news that a friend of ours who was pregnant, had her 10 week scan and has lost her twins....I felt like crying.

Anyway I rang back the ex and managed not to have a fight. I told her if she wanted me to pay half I would no problem but only if my boy was with me week on and week off. I have talked to my son about that before and he was up for it. So in fact was my ex, but now she isn't. It didn't come off because I had no way of getting to him in time and she wouldn't bother delievering him..Now I am having my driving test, I have to pass. It will be easier. She said she would talk to him about it but she didn't think a week on a week off was a good rythmn for him..She seemed to think the arrangement as it is at the moment was one that suited me. I was flabergasted but didn't bother saying it as she wouldn't understand that word.

Perhaps this is what my friend Pamm meant about living powerfully... I don't know. But damn I have been walked on enough.

Anyway moving on, I get to work this morning and find that my Nice in the US has had the same expereince as my friend here after her 10 week scan. So the bills mount, the babies die and I don't feel like I am living in paradise today.