I seem to have had an urge to track down old friends in the last few years. I am not someone who keeps friends too easily. Maybe as I have matured I have remembered to return emails, phone calls, not forgotten names and birthdays. I have always been forgetful.
One time I met a lovely girl at a night club. We went back to her place and didn't have sex but we had a nice evening. She left on holidays for two weeks the next morning. When she got back and rang me, I had no idea who she was. It was hurtful for her. It took me about 3 or 4 days to remember, when I did, I rang her back and tried to apologise. She didn't buy it, I didn't blame her.
I have met a lot of people in my life. A lot of ships have passed both by day and night. Lovers and friends have come and gone.
One thing I am interested in, is how everyone is. I wonder how past friends have faired in their lives. Have past lovers found their prince charming, who I certainly wasn't, or princess charming for that matter? Have past buddies become dads, successful business men, are they gay and out?
Who are the children that call these people Mother, Father, Lover and will most likely never know that for a moment in time, I shared a part of their identity, contributed to their makeup and was clearly affected by their presence in my life?
One or two people I have managed to track down to some success. One or two, to point blank empty stares coming back from the internet as first touch messages are replied to, and then there is the deep white hole of an empty space and time continuim where the relationship now carries on in it's pre-recontact form. Each of us having ceased to exist for the other. I think my forwardness in admitting I still 'feel' for these people might be a part of it.
What is curious for me, is that no one is looking for me.
That line jumps out of the page and whacks me accross the face and I sit there not reacting, turning the other cheek.
I am not sure to be honest I would want too many of my old entourage, groupies, hangers on, lovers, friends, acquaintances tracking me down, for a deep and meaningful. At the same time, however, there are many who made an impact on me. I remember the good times, the sharing, the things we had in common and I wonder what part of me was so weird that no one wants to get in touch?
What part of me is it that is so weird that does want to get in touch?
Perhaps I am basically lonely, I would guess in hindsight I have rarely been not lonely around people. In fact probably the only time I can be sure to be not lonely is when I am alone.
Perhaps I am just a good natured soul who cares in my own clumsy way. Perhaps I have just too much time on my hands and not enough occupations.
Either way those of you, who touched me, reached out and allowed your fingers to caress my soul and opened your ears to it's music, even it did make you run screaming, I am grateful for the time we shared, and hey if you are reading this and we shared something in the past, get in touch? The rest of you, for the most part I wish well, success, wealth health and happines. Yes there are one or two of you I wouldn't piss on if I saw you on fire at the side of the street, but hey, you make your bed you lie in it.
I am sure I have changed just a tad for the better, I wonder have you?
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