Monday, March 17, 2008

St Patricks day

It is St Patrick's day. March 17th. The divorce and custody battle couldn't be more depressing really.
After an initial breakthrough and agreement to talk on Friday, my ex ended up sending me abusive phone messages.. telling me I was spoiling everything. That my son was happy before I started the proceedings. She referred to our past. A past I don't care for. A horrible existence for both of us. But while I have moved on she still holds the anger and pain deep in her and blames it all entirely on me... Ostriches stick their heads in the ground when they are afraid. So does my ex and her family. She doesn't want to know that our son is traumatised by not seeing me. At almost eight years of age, he follows me everywhere as if he is attached to me like glue. It's cute sometimes, but it's worrying. This morning I went to the toilet as he was washing his teeth. When he came out of the bathroom immediately he started to call for me as he couldn't find me. When I answer from the loo, normally he sits outside on the ground waiting for me to finish. This morning their was relief in his voice. Frankly it pisses me off he is so scared when he can't see me.
My partner lacks confidence but does a great job of being his friend and confident and easing up the pressure that exists when someone is literally physically in your space every waking minute.
I have always regarded Hate as a useless emotion and anger as a great emotion if channelled correctly. However anger that is not released effectively and safely turns to hate. This weekend for the first time in this story, Hate has been unclenched in my heart, it spurts up into my mouth making feel like spewing forward....I am sure the look in my eyes right now would frighten even I.
I have friends asking Friends for my rights, what am I entitled to. I am tired of allowing my ex to treat me like dirt on her shoe, some thing she did since the start and something I reciprocated. I am not interested in going over old ground. Perhaps she needs that to move on, and if so, for the first time I am really unwilling to give her anything. Now I am faced with being stubborn and unmovable for the rest of my life. If I have to agree to her demand I will simply never compromise. When she wants her son for her birthday, her fathers birthday, for anything, if it is my time then she won't get him...........And what the hell would that solve?
My child growing up psychologically damaged by this ridiculous, stupid and needless fight is not my plan.
Well then my ancestors, for what it is worth, I call on your guidance and wisdom, your strength and your patience for I am truly at the end of my tether, I am not going to drop my son. If there is anyone out their reading who knows French and European law, give a shout.
I miss home, I miss familiarity, I miss understanding what is the right thing to do....

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