Thanks Frank and Good luck in all.

Uncle Frank passed away. I last saw him in June 2006, crikey, that long already? He was still smoking, ..... I think. He had been off the drink since I was a kid. His family struck me as the archetypal, stereotypical, American, Fighting Irish. Nothing at all like us who actually lived there. Mike his son recounted how he used to beat the crap out of his brother and vice versa. I guess with the whole Family in AA there was some issues they had to work through. They were more than good guys though.
Before that I had last seen Frank in good health in Philly when I was 16, then in Ireland when I was 12, 10, 8, and God knows when before that. He lived on credit. He was I guess a bit of a good time Charlie, meaning he liked the good things in life. Married, divorced, lost his second wife to cancer, Frank always had what I called a wry smile on his face, a great sense of humour...he was a small guy, at the end anyway. Most of lung missing, A lot of weight gone, still the same wry smile. Back in Ireland for a Family reunion organised by his son. We had a grand old time. I can't tell you a lot about him. I guess he was a ladies man, a golfer, a smart guy, he took delight in our singing, backed us up against our mother who had her own issues.... even when he was in his own words, mighty pissed, ( angry or annoyed not drunk) he could still throw out a smile pretty quick. I loved the way he looked at me. He made me feel seen. He made me feel adult when I was just a kid, accepted, listened to and respected. I shaved him that last summer. His hands shook too much, his son had father son male issues, I get them completely.... I shaved him in our kitchen. I was afraid of cutting him, but I took great pleasure in servicing this gentleman. I know he appreciated it even though it wasn't perfect. He rubbed his hand around his jaw the way we men do,he looked at me that way, threw out the wry smile, thanked me and shuffled outside for a smoke.
I know you are there watching me, and watching your own. Maybe I am one of yours too as you are one of mine......I miss you Frank.

Sorry!

When you get up and look around you at the world you live in, know that today, white ruling people somewhere in the world, have finally taken responsibility for the crap they have dumped on others for generations. This report is from children who were stolen from their families and placed into families of strangers under a policy of assimilation. My particular brand of Irishness would hanker for the same thing from the British Government, that the indigenous Austrailians have just got from the Government there.
Wouldn't it be great if more governments stood up to their inherited moral responsibilites. It's one of my pet hates when people tell me you can't blame me for the actions of my grandfather. I reply, that perhaps they are right, but if so, how come you enjoy the benefits of his actions today then? Go read it, it might help you to look outside yourself a little. Hugs and kisses.

Being a Father

I got a text (sms) off my ex the other day telling me my son is going away on Sunday for a week. I am to pick him next Saturday afternoon and bring him back on Sunday. No questions were asked. It was just information that is all. Normally when he is with me it is Friday night to Monday morning. In that time I get to be a father, a friend, a confident, a playment, a discipliner, an educator, a hugger, a punch ball and a stuffed toy. There is no time for any thing else. I am followed everywhere as If I am about to dissappear in a puff of smoke. I asked him directly if he would like a week with me and a week with his mam. His answer was a big YES.
He is a good boy, he struggles with his English, he struggles with concentration, he is very untidy and falls over a lot because he goes to bed to late so he is constantly tired. Sometimes when we get him, he is falling asleep in his dinner at 8pm. I mean that literally.
This week the lawyer rang, my ex doesn't want to agree to alternate weeks. So I am being offered a Wednesday plus weekends. I didn't think about that offer, I said no straight out. The Lawyer was disappointed. Now it will be a long drawn out battle. I need to explain some things to him. I didn't leave my home and family and friends and future, to live in a foreign country and see my boy for 2 or 3 days out of every 15. In the last month I have seen him one weekend, because as we try the every second weekend thing, his mother still suits herself and chops and changes her mind.
I am Irish and so is my son, by birth, and legally. We live in France. I could if I wanted just take him back, there is legal precident already in France for that, but I won't bring him back to Ireland. I wouldn't do that to him. It would not be being a good father. I could insist on turning the tables completely, I keep him all the time and his mother have him every second weekend. How far do you think I would get with that? ..I could even propose very long weekends like from Thursday night to Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. Again I am inhibited because my mind doesn't think quickly enough in French and before I can think of any of the the lawyer is gone. I can't get in touch with him, as I don't have his number. Imagine that! I can ring his office only.
Yesterday I tried to get to talk to my boy, I rang his house, no answer. I sms his mother as we don't converse, she didn't reply. I rang his nounou, which is the childminder, he was shy speaking english in front of her and her family so we agreed to talk today. The land line doesn't answer, his mothers phone doesn't answer. I sent more sms, finally get an answer telling me to ring her mobile. I do, it's engaged.
Finally I get through, I get a hello how are you and the line goes dead.
It is hard being a Father when you never get to talk to or see your son. I wonder how bad I made things for my father by not ringing in the past...I am not blaming my nearly 8 year old boy don't worry. I am just thinking about my own father. ...Do you talk to your Dad? Do you tell him how happy you are he was there, or how angry you are that he was usless as a Dad? I hope my son knows when he is an adult that if it all goes wrong, I am doing as much as I can, short of storming up to his mothers house and forcing him out there, to be there for him, to show him I love him, to give him a future...Pity his mother can't see that.

The Lawyer

He is younger than I. I was referred to him three years ago. My french was crap, my confidence very low, and I thought that all the lawyers in town were friends of my father in law. He is also a lawyer. So I hesitated. Then I looked back and saw how empty the marriage was, it didn't ever exist. Why bother? She asked for it not me! The only thing important is my son! Now out of respect for my partner, because trying to see my son consistently and in a disciplined way is practically impossible, because his mother doesn't bother her ass talking to me anymore except when she wants something ( a little like when we were together), today, I, Collie, I went and saw a lawyer. Perhaps if there are no problems I will have my son every second week and be divorced in a few months. Perhaps. Then I would never have to deal with the shit my ex dumps on me from time to time. What a relief!
He couldn't tell me how much he would cost. Typical I suppose. He was affable, I thought he was Morrocan when I saw him. He was married 3 times to the same woman. Once in a civil marriage twice in a church. One of those times in Corsica just like me. He wants an Irish AuPair, preferably catholic. I guess he is not Moroccan or perhaps I am being narrow minded. The fact we were married civilly in Ireland is apparently important. He seems like a nice guy. He seems like an honest guy. He complimented my french. I texted or sent an SMS to my ex after the meeting telling her I had news, I didn't want to worry her or fight with her but I had a seen a lawyer about our divorce and I thought she should know. She hasn't responded. Par for the course really.
It feels weird. An emotional weight has shifted.
I have lost a friend who used to comment here a lot. I am sad about that.
I just feel really strange that I can be free of his mother and that for a change I might actually have my son on Christmas day.....wow what a thought.

Slow Euphoria

After finally purchasing the road bike in November, that my pals had clubbed together in September to get me for my birthday, after finally getting on it early December and having a nightmare, I had consigned it to our cellar. Each weekend came and went and the real fear of getting on the bike and tackling the hill outside the door that is 10km long, kept growing. I was getting to the stage of almost panic.

I couldn't do it, I didn't know how, I would never be a triathlete, blah blah blah.

Last night we had a few beers with some friends bugers and chips. We were home not too late, and in bed. There was no running today, it had been called off. So when I woke up at 4 O clock in the morning with a slight headache and had to go to the loo, I was wondering, how the hell am I ever going to do that bike?

Today there was a phone call at 10am. I wanted to sleep. It was someone selling some crap on the phone, I hung up. I hate those cold callers...(yes I know they have a job blah blah)...

I returned to bed my eyes falling on my new book about triathlons, I read two chapters, slapped myself on the head and got out bed. Breakfeast and a shower, organised my gear and before I knew it there I was standing in the living room with a bike in my hand ready to go. Or was I?

I sat on the sofa and watched some cable news, I was disturbed by the neigbours upstairs who earlier had been taking bath and now were giving themselves great reasons to get back into the bath..They have one spring in the bed that is incredibly noisy, almost as noisy as she is.

Enough I am getting out of here. I had the bike in the correct gear. I crossed the road. Looked out for traffic and hopped on. Within 10 meters there was an idiot who pulled out with the back door of his car still open.
I stopped and got off. The hill is very steep. I look like an idiot. Every one can tell I haven't a clue what I am doing.

I waited. The way was clear, back on again. I had planned to go to Aspremont from Cimiez where I live. Planned well, not really planned, I just had the idea in my head. It is roughly 10k each direction all hill. So getting there would be a bitch and comming back would be new underwear time as I am not used to the speed. I hadn't really been on a bicycle properly since I was a teenager.

On the bike, lowest gear, wobble, god this is not easy. Breathing ragged after a few meters.. yes a few meters, not kilometers.

I broached the small roundabout at Aire St Michel. Already exhausted and already tempted to stop a few times and having only gone about 2km. Now I was in virgin terrority. I had made the first part of the climb and there was a little down hill bit, I was smiling. One hour later of grunt and grind and burn I was positively whooping for joy. The Alps swept up away from the sea on my left to the snow capped peaks, no one was around, and the sun was shining. The view is quite simply breathtaking.

The joy of finally rounding the corner and seeing the sign at the start of the village was fantastic. I looked at it beside me and giggled.

I made it finally. It had taken ages lots of effort but not near as much as I had imagined in my monster fears. I was completely over the moon at the slaying of another beast, the cracking of a nut, the extraction of the thorn. It had been a big monster for me. But how it took me the best part of and hour and 40mins to get there and 20 mins to get back, well only a professional probably knows. Perhaps it gives you and idea of just how steep it was. But it was the first time, coming down from Aspremont fast on my bike, I smiled, and called myself a triathlete also for the first time. Simply because now I Swim Bike and Ride, so apologies to all you grown up triathletes but today I am born.
A slow Euphoria had built up, and softly exploded all over the hill side. I am sure the others on the road I met thought I was wacko. I was amazed however to see how much they all acknowledged each other, and I. I am pretty sure even one or two going in the opposite direction thought I knew what I was doing. The few dozen who passed me knew well I didn't. I did't care.
It's a great feeling to be a little part of this 'new' community.

What Colour Are Your Far Away Fields?

Funny how when you stop looking for things they arrive.
I have a blog Friend Annie, who wrote this post .
When I read it I was struck by how often I look at other people and wish I had what they had.

I wish I was financially independent. I wish I was better looking, more handsome. I wish I was fitter, stronger faster. I wish my job was more fulfilling, I wish my partner and I understood each other better and communicated better. I wish I could have great sex every day of my life and never tire of it, and that it could be with a few different people. I wish I had a flash car. I wish I could do something for humanity. I wish I could make my son proud of me. I wish I was proud of myself. I wish I had a house of my own.

Funny how when you start wishing the list can go on forever. The problem is that if I am wishing for something, I am looking away from where I am at, to where I think I might want to be.

If I see a guy driving a Bentley and say to myself I wish I was him, what happens if I see him go home alone to an empty house and drink himself into a stupor because of his problems with depression and the discover that his testicular cancer is going to kill him in 6 weeks. Do I still want to be him? NO of course not.

So not only am I looking elsewhere and wishing, I am not even seeing clearly what I am looking at.

So I have a desire to see things clearly and just like when you are in a fog, the clearest place to look is immediately around you. I must look at myself. What do I see? I am a 40 year old Dad, in good shape. I have a job and a partner. I live in a pretty decent place where the weather is normally agreeable to staying fit. I have friends in distant countries.
My partner is crazy about me. My son loves me.
I have goals that are achieveable.

Now if I am to look clearly, I could perhaps write about all the negative things too. But I know what they are and I don't find it helpful to look at them too much. Suffice to say for me its about taking the positive about where I am and weighing it up against the realistic possiblities of the where I want to be, and taking action to get the result.

In other words, discovering what is it that I must absolutely do to achieve a place of peace and contentment and self fulfillment.

1 Be in a great relationship = my taking responsibility for my role in the parts that are not great.
2.Being a successful writer = my taking responsibility for sitting down on my ass and writing.
3.Completing an Iron Man one time in my life = my taking responsibility for training.
4.Being the best father I can be = Stepping more into my power to take responsibility to get what we need to be together more often.

The list in fact for me at the moment is endless. That is perhaps a negative sign that I am not very happy in myself. The positive side is I realise that and I am discovering ways to cope, to improve and to shorten the list.
The strategy results in the list being reduced little by little till one day without really trying to achieve happiness and inner peace, but rather dealing with the issues that make one unhappy, you achieve a place of serenity.
I urge you to make a list if you have to. Make it as long as possible. Often there is one thing, one thing only that you can identify that if you don't do you will die. If you can find that thing, I urge you to pursue it to your hearts content.

On another note, we have had the wettest winter in my four years here. The motorway is cut off because of a land slide as is the Grand Corniche. The connection between the Grand and Moyenne is also cut. So traffic is just crazy. It took 2 hours to get to work this morning which was about 1.20 more than usual. Despite the constent rain and landslides I managed to get out for run on Sunday in my new running shoes. I ran 13k. I swam 600m yesterday.

What Have I Started

Okay, so at best I had been running twice a week over 7km. Usually just once. The start of the Nice Prom Classic 2008 was impressive. I went down with two lady friends who permit me to run with them. The tolerate my presence we have a laugh and they leave me for dead.

There was about 5 to 6 thousand people there I was very nervous or maybe just awkward at the start. I didn't really know if I could do it. I didn't want to quit or finish last.

There was a jazzy lady doing her DJ Style warm up for the whole group but she was so small and so low down I could not see what she was doing clearly. Besides I felt like a dork throwing my hands up in the air even though the immediate 3000 people around me seemed to be doing very well.

Nerves nerves nerves. How fast does he run? Can I run better than him? The ladies started before us, we all clapped and cheered, suddenly I was feeling a bit better. The race started at a walking pace. There was too many of us, it was damn awkward. Quickly some bright spark opened the other side of the road and I crossed over and settled into my stride. OH my God everyone just ran past me like I wasn't there. The first KM passed in 5 minutes exact, way too fast for me I was expecting to finish in 1 hour 5 or 10 minutes, IF I could finish. The second km was 5mins flat as well that meant I was on course for a 50 minute finish and hospital for a week. I just can't run that fast YET over that distance. I was convinced I was last untill I looked over my shoulder to see a thousand sweaty guys of all shapes and sizes chasing me down.

God when I got to 3km I thought well a third of the race gone only that distance twice more and then a push. I wanted to stop. I had to fight a lot through that km. 4km my two friends passed me on the other side, I roared out them, 'Hey les filles' and 200 filles turned their heads but not my pals....Km5 was easier, there was water, I was on the home stretch in a minute. and I settled down and slowed down. I was now over half way and starting to pass a lot of people it felt good. Km 6 was another trying to calm myself down and push on at the same time I was looking at the watch I was due under the hour if I kept that pace up, I was so scared of a DNF I kept trying to slow down.
Now I was on KM 7, old fat guys passed me, guys who had disability. One guy who wasn't breathing kept getting up to my shoulder running, then walking, eventually after stopping and starting he managed to pass me out about a KM after I had passed him.
Half way through the 8km I was lengthening my stride a little I could see the sign for 9k ahead. I could see a woman ahead of me I was gaining on her. I was going to finish on the hour this was great. I flew past her and saw her face, she was shattered. Come on I yell in French don't stop, allez allez allez, viens, n'arretez pas! She saw me and held out her hand as she tried to run after me. I slowed up grabbed on and towed her along a few meters, our hands were still held. I spoke to her, breath , come on you can do it. Allez... 'No English' she tried to smile, she couldn't do it.. allez tu n'arret pas. We were still holding hands, she didn't want to let go. I think like me there was a little fear.

I had to disengage my hand I was thinking it wasn't correct to be holding her hand that long. It was like an elastic snapping She slowed right up as I took off again. 9km I slowed down she reached me, "Come on only 1 more, c'est la dernier" .. "Aller tu peut le faire"... I think she got the gyst. 'Je dois aller' Which I think may not be correct but it's what I said and off I went I practically sprinted. the last 800 meters. I flew past lots of people it was a great feeling.

I was over the line I was sure in about 1:01 the clock read 1:02:27. I was buggered, knackered, destroyed, and surprisingly emotional. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was really strange. There was no one there for me, I wanted a hug. I wanted someone to say well done, clap me on the back because fuck it, it was hard. So I waited a few minutes by the finish line, I saw her coming, I clapped and cheered, and said bravo madam, she saw me, a big smile. Then I ran away.

I got water, chocolate, bananas, orange, there was all sorts of stuff available for us. It was great to be alive. I found my friends after about half an hour. There were in form. They had finished in 0.57 . It was their second race, the first they had done in 0.59. They run 3 times a week and a semi marathon is on the card in February.

First I have to fork out a lot more than I have for a pair of running shoes. Mine are a little too small. I have huge blisters on my toes. I mean huge. My ankles hurt. I am taking this seriously. Somewhere down the end of the tunnel is the Iron Man if I can find him, but it's a long long long way away.
Another 10 km before April and then the semi marathon. That would be a lot of fun.

What I did and Where I am going.

Well that was a pretty decent festival season. We ate duck cooked by me and shared with a friend on the 23rd.
(Try balsamic vinegar, sugar, thyme, red wine. Boil it down to almost a treacle and spread it beside the bird. )
That was our Christmas day with my son. Later that week his mother forced him to ring me to tell me he would be bored in Italy. How do you deal with a 7 year old and teach him that plans made should be honoured? Hmm anyway. Then on the 25th with our friend still here, I cooked Boar, Venison, Ostrich, (just a little of each. My partner cooked in between days a really good sea food pasta and king prawns. We put on a lot of weight :-).
Finally with my boy we drove for 4 hours to Livorno, I did a Christmas shopping for her mother, It was a damn expensive present but she can hardly afford to heat the house, so we filled her fridge a second time :). That made me feel damn good. We ate later in the week with her sister. Real Tuscan stuff, Oil, tomatoes, chicken marinated in white wine and citrus fruits.. ahhh. We went to Colodi, the home of Pinocchio, not the Disney version, the original version. I was gently impressed at the lack of kitsch and the presence of very artistic statues and gardens. Then her father cooked for us many many different dishes. Wine was plentiful. On new years eve we let off fireworks. On New Years day finally my Son and I got to fulfill our ambition and climbed the tower of Pisa. The cost was astronomical, the view astounding, the feeling bizzare and the experience for me was well worth the wait.
Where I am going in 2008? Well I have got myself into a pickle by saying I would at some stage do an iron man.
So baby steps. I have enrolled for my first 10km race. I am very slow, it will take me an hour if I finish at all :-) I swam 500m today, and I have promised to go for a cycle next Sunday. So by the end of the year. I should be able to enroll for the half Iron man in 2009 in Monaco. I know why not this year? Well it takes a lot of time, I have no coach, and it's expensive. Still baby steps.
Love to you all and a great new year. Climb those towers and run those races and achieve your dreams. :-)

Happy New Year from Tuscany

We are relaxing. We are eating great food. We have seen all of Aquas family. I am using an Italian keyboard today so I cant punctuate as I should. The food is fantastic. Tickets have been bought to go up the Leaning Tower tomorrow at 2pm. My son was really disappointed there was a 3 hour waiting time today. It was cute to watch him so excited. We have bought some baby fireworks and will go across the river to let them off around midnight. We have already had a big siesta in preparation.
Thank you to all who have come by and read something. May 2008 be the year your dreams come true.

How not to rent a car in Ireland (part 1)

I know I know I should be wishing anyone who reads a happy Christmas and wonderful new year. In the meantime this is a letter I wrote to a rent a car company in Ireland. You might think I am off the mark or you might agree with my sentiments, but I am sure you will figure out what happened from the following. Let me know what you think.

I am writing to you in regard to the email you sent my partner " Aqua " dated Dec 18 2007, 3:38.
I would like to voice my astonishment at the quote Budget Ireland have furnished us and my incredulity that it comes in neatly at €1.08 under the Excess liability of €900.00
I would also like to inform you it is not at all to our satisfaction.
The email in fact gives rise to a number of questions here that need to be answered.

Firstly how is it possible that a mechanic can quote Budget Ireland practically the sum of Excess liability you have taken from us, unless he was informed before hand that this was the figure he had to play around with it. I find it astonishing you would think us naive as to believe that this quote is purely coincidence. At present I am putting it down to careless on behalf of Budget Ireland and it's employees.

Having lived abroad for 4 years, and while living in Ireland, I have been involved in the tourist trade, I am very aware of what rented cars look like normally and the condition they are received by clients of car rental companies.
The car in question when it was rented by us, had dents and rust on both front doors and various marks around the front and rear of the car. Of course it is none of my business whatsoever, about what procedure was followed with other renters of the car, but it seems quite clear if you look at your paperwork that it's not the first time this car has been damaged in rental.
It would appear therefore that your company do not at any time bother to repair the body work of their cars, or certainly of this one. Therefore this €900 approx quote is just that. We are being charged a sum of money for work that will never take place. I sincerely hope this is not the case.

I would therefore request that under the Freedom of Information Act 1997 you forward me the list of people and contact details who have rented this car before us.


I would like to inform you I have rung the garage in question that provided Budget Ireland with this outrageous quote, and without knowing what specific car I was talking about , nor the extent of the damage, the man I spoke to told me it would cost over €800 to replace the rear bumper. I was astonished again at his apparent clairvoyance having not seen the damage how could he know the bumper needed to be replace. It would seem perhaps that Budget Ireland didn't actually bring the car to be seen by the mechanic but just asked how much it would be to replace a rear bumper, could you confirm this for me please when you have a moment?
I have been around mechanics all my life and I can guarantee it doesn't take 6 hours work for a skilled technician to replace this single piece on a car.

I have checked out the price for the part on the Internet and it is as follows $42.41 dollars. The most expensive one I found was $ 52 Your mechanic is charging you apparently €192 which is roughly about 8 times the price given the dollar difference.
You also seem to have no problem with €160 euros for paint. May I ask what is he painting? the bumper will be order from Toyota to the same specification as the car in other words it means the paint matches. So what exactly has to be painted ? Either the bumper is being replaced or repaired, but surely the new one doesn't need to be painted.
You don't take issue with the fact he is charging you for bumper clips, how may I ask is the bumper on the car at present? Why do the clips need to be replaced. ?
You also have no issue with the fact that he proposes to charge you for polishing a car that hasn't seen polish in 2 years.

I will be forwarding the photographs of the damage to my own mechanic in Dublin and will be asking a friend in the legal system to have look at our file to see how we might progress.

Now onto other issues,

When we returned to check in with the car in Dublin Airport we were informed by you employee that we would have a response in 2 to 3 weeks. It has taken 5 -6 weeks to have response from you, plus numerous phone calls where I left my number and I was told that you would be contacting me. I am still waiting for that contact.

At the same time as we were filling out the legal forms, my 7 year old had to listen to a tirade of swearing from you desk manager, who under other circumstances I may have taken aside and explained some notions of customer service, and good manners. However it was the end of a long trip, we were already upset about the car, and his tirade was just another thing that we as paying clients had to put with. I noted how he seemed to charge his staff with work without doing anything himself except chatting up a woman from another company. His staff don't seem to like him much and frankly I don't think many of the clients in the queue were too impressed with his grasp of bad language.

So I am sure you can clearly see why I feel so aggrieved.

You see I am not someone who believes in 'good enough' or 'it will do'. I have tried to give your company the benefit of the doubt at each step. Neither will I take any shoddy or lazy treatment from any company, and if your company is not being disingenuous with us, it is at the very least not taking care of it's clients. I am someone who believes in respect honesty and seeking out the best for customers that will come back again. Already you have missed out on us renting a car with you twice a year for the next 10 years which I believe in comparison to the few hundred euros Budget Ireland may have gained with this transaction, will substitute a greater loss in the long term. Given that we reside in an international community many of whom long to visit Ireland and explore, we will be actively advising people to rent with another car company and I would guess the losses to Budget in this case would be in the thousands of euros due to shoddy treatment of clients .


As is my want again I give you personally the benefit of the doubt. I am not accusing you personally of anything, I couldn't even If I wanted to. The only contact I have had with you is to see your polite email sent to my partner, but I am sure you don't really believe that this could be to our satisfaction and that you are just doing your job.

I wish you all the best for the new year and look forward to receiving the list I have asked for above.


So dear reader, as I am sure there is only one reader, sorry for the long winded post but, well look else where for a car :-) . Happy new year.

Time I don't have

I should be writing, I should be reading my favourite blogs. Some of them have been banned in work. Work is hectic I don't have the time to surf. Actually that's how work should be. Home is hectic, getting ready for Christmas. My loved ones are ill and not in good form. Of course I go completely loopy because they don't tell me how bad they are feeling and I think I have been zapped to another planet where I am the only one who understands anything. Life lesson, if you think you are the only one who...anything.. well then you are 99% certainly wrong. Obviously that excludes the 1% of you that are reading this that are always right. Given I don't have a huge number of readers that probably applies to someones elbow being right all the time, or something.
Okay I am digressing and blathering. I don't have time to write. So in the off chance it stays that way till next year, Check out Gillette the excourtesan in transition, and Anne's writings, ooh and Pamm. Anne and Pamm are in the side bar somewhere and Gillette you can just google her.
Happy Christmas and a brilliant New Year to everyone who has bothered to read, stopped in for a moment, had a discussion, followed, encouraged, argued or even noticed.
I will put in the hyper links later but for the moment Time I don't have.
Love you all.
Warrior. ............IT's not my real name, no one calls me that, I have had a transition since I took it....anyway I don't have time to change it.
Love and hugs to you all.

Christmas

It's December. I will see my son for about 6 days between now and then. His mother refuses to answer if he can come to a company organised celebration next Saturday. There is a present waiting for him.
The tree has been bought and decorated. He had fun. He was strangely distant on Monday morning, not wanting to give me a hug and kiss in front of his friends. Already, at 7 he is changing.
He made a song at the weekend in french. It was basically 'Beside my little good man was my little good man' which he sang about 15 times and finished with comic timing perfection to 'beside my little good man was nobody'.
He wants a bike so he can go cycling with us. I want to get it for him. But I am too nervous to go out on my own bike on the roads around us....logic says the bike must wait.
He wants a Robot..no not one of those 150 euro black and white things that have computerised behaviour patterns..a real robot with lazers and blazing eyes...
He wants Mega Bloks.
What to get for my partner and my friend coming over from Ireland I haven't a clue. Women can be difficult to buy for. Sometimes they appreciate the most simple things far more than any man ever would. But who wants to buy simple at Christmas.

I try to keep it limited on spending and stress. Its not easy. I fully expect my son's mother to change plans again at the last minute. He is supposed to Celebrate Christmas with us on the Weekend before hand and then on the Monday Christmas eve go back to his Mam. I know she is going to screw that up. She did last year.

But this is Christmas. The time of year when my nerves are on edge as to the welfare of my son and I try not to let him see me stress. I want him to know how much he is loved even if he isn't with me all the time. I have no hate for his mother, just dissappointment. I dont see the point in waisting my energy hating.
It's Christmas.

So it's really only early december but for us it's six days to Christmas and then a few days after there is another Christmas but my boy isn't there so I don't feel too much like celebrating that one.
This is Christmas make of it what you will but for crying out loud enjoy it.

Climate Change

HERE is an interesting insight to what people think is happening in the world. When we look at the evidence presented to us by the few dissident voices left, why do people persist in believing in democracy and the power of elected governments ?

It is without doubt the rich that run the world .

Those who have made their money and continue to make it from weapons and oil struggle to maintain their riches. Therefore we must have wars. This helps the rich in a number of ways. Technology, medicine, weapons, petrolieum, clothing, platics, nano technology, nuclear industries, air, transport, logistics are all industries benefiting from war. So to stay rich and keep the investments ticking over, to provide employment in order to produce, and of course to keep the government in your pocket so you can tell them what to do in order to stay rich, so completing the circle, is the aim of most of the haves these days. It always has been, keep the status quo!

Now I am not unwilling to do something about my carbon footprint. I am sure the cyclone that hit Bangladesh is partly my responsibility through my irresponsible use of and response to mother nature while I was more ignorant than I am now.
However suggesting I don't drive for a day or even all 6 billion of us don't drive for a day, would have any impact on slowing down global warming, well you may as well ask me to cut CO2 emissions by not breathing for an hour or two.

If everyone who was so concerned about the Whales, the Tigers, the endangered species, the melting icebergs, the warming seas, the dissappearing flower and fauna could for one moment look at a bigger picture.

Are you ready ?
Here is my suggestion.
Everyone, I mean everyone go to your nearest war zone and plead with the soldiers to drop their weapons, like the Russian mothers did in Chechnia not too long ago. I don't care how you convince them, strip if you want to , offer sex, but get them to drop their weapons.
Now war is over, everyone including the soldiers march on parliment in your local country and insist on a rapid implementation of Solar and wind power in all forms of transport and electrical production cutting out completly the need for the oil industry. If the government refuse remind them who elected them and throw them out of office. Then all of you who have no job because there is no more Technology, medicine, weapons, petrolieum, clothing, platics, nano technology, nuclear industries, air, transport, logistical industries benefiting from war and oil, all of you can be gainfully employed cleaning up the planet, planting trees and finding new ways to recycle all the crap we have produced in the last 150 years that will last for the next 1 000 000 000 years. So I wouldn't think you would have to worry about your pensions.

Why wouldn't it work? You live in a democracy don't you ? Oh yeah I forgot because it would wipe out half the monetary investments that even ordinary middle class people have right? And there is nothing more selfish than the middle class now is there?
See while you are running around making a spectecle of yourself there is at least a billion people out there who don't give a shit. Well, one solution at a time, I reckon this is a good start to solving the crisis of mass murder and suicide that we perpetuate by choosing to believe the government is responsible for change.
It's easy to do really isn't it? Nah I didn't think so either but I figure it's worth a shot to telly you anyway. See if there is a God or Gods and he or she is getting pissed off, at least I can say, 'I told them what to do, they just wouldn't.

A Spaceman travelling

So we are back from the Emerald Isle. I remember the family of Americans from 'The Great State of Ohio'...the big guy who had 7 great grandparents from Ireland and one from Northumberland in England. I told him no one is perfect...it was a joke and they took it well. I told them what to see. We met them later at the giants causeway, a volcanic formation according to scientists. A land bridge formed by warring Giants, according to story tellers. My son told me after his visit he believed in Giants, he didn't before but he does now. We also told him the volcanic bit so I guess he is just humouring me, bless his 7 year old head :0)..
I am charged up like a battery that has been plugged in. I didnt know if it was culture, beer, language, or ancestors talking to me in my sleep, but today I think I figured out a great part of it. There is no space here in Nice. Everywhere you turn there is a wall, or a cliff, or someone in the way..it's bitty, narrow, and I am of the opinion sometimes the people are too. It's not that I blame them, but there is much less cordiality here, much less looking out for your fellow human being...much less space in the hearts of men and women for the men and women around them. I am not blaming, just observing, noting, and trying not to make it change me.
We are taking it easy now, my son is back with his mother...Myself and Aqua have opportunities to go out but prefer to take it easy. We have had enough moving around today. Music shops, and supermarkets. No room to move in the supermaret. Completely jammed as if food was not going to be there on Monday.
Music shops crammed, each expert in each shop with a different opinion. Obviously the one we go back to will be the guy who had most space in his shop, most time for us and was most helpful.
I wonder why when a guy has to make a living he doesn't try to be nicer or more helpful. Some people just don't get how it works. It was in fairness exactly the same at home. I had purchased a new phone and once I crossed the border it ceased working. Then it switched itself off and I couldn't get it to operate. When I came back south it worked perfectly. It took me a phone call, a trip into town, a shop, another phonecall, a walk down town, another shop and eventually the defective phone was replaced. No free credit. No sorry, no nothing. Just completly normal. So Mr O2 and Mr Nokia, if anyone asks I won't be recommending you.
We now feel spaced out. Running beckons tomorrow, but I would rather sleep. Maybe I might get to swim. No pressure thats the main thing.
Winter is setting in, it's already dark by 18:00 but it's warmer than at home, but only just. My ancestors see me. I feel them... birthdays and christmas looming... time to start making space of a different kind.

It doesn't rain in Ireland

Well we have been here a week already. My folks have moved to basically the middle of nowhere. I know the people who live there think it's the center of the universe, but I have been to the center of the universe and beyond and I promise you, this green valley in Ireland's Golden Vale, is not it. It's not far from it, but it's not it.
The new house is wonderful.
The cousins the brothers and sisters the sons and daughters, all dressed up with face paint, the house was decorated, we sang and ate, and ate and sang. The young ones called on doors, collected sweets, fruit, and money. They were chased by a mythical police man who was called by a crazy old man who apparently wasn't fond of halloweeners.
The difficult part of the trip is over, all those I had a duty to see have been seen. We bent timetables and ourselves out of shape, trying to accommodate the time tables of others. Really we just want to be with those we love and those who love us.
We head north tomorrow, passing close to more ancestors, and living relatives, to see the place where the giants lived.
Today finally it is a dirty day. The rain is fine, a mist almost. Just that bit heavier that it falls. The drops are so numerous and so minuscule they penetrate the all but the most impermeable fabric. ......
The green rolling countryside eases my eyes, my son is hyper as if the energy of the land is flowing through him.... my loved ones are truly beautiful...
7 days here and only 1 day of rain. It's almost as if it doesn't rain in Ireland.

The homeland

It's late. I still have to pack. My darling boy is restless behind me, he can't sleep. He is too excited at the prospect of grandparents cousins and freinds whom he hasn't seen for 16 months. I am writing directly into blogger always dangerous but I am pressed for time. My illness has left me bereft of energy. Even though I am over the worst the recovery period is interesting. I don't think I have ever eaten so much protien, and a forest of vegetables wouldn't be safe the mood I am in.
My lover is speaking to her mother in Italy. I can feel my ancestors getting excited as they know I am coming. (yes I know I could get locked up for saying it out loud but I feel it anyway so there :@) ).
I need to touch the ground and taste the damp air. It has been raining here for a few days... uncharacteristically , but at 14 degrees centigrade in the morning, it's like a spring day in Ireland. I expect us all to be very cold very wet, very happy and have a great time.
After a real halloween we will visit the dead on November 1st I will introduce them to my lover of two years and re-introduce them to my son. Yes I am wacko at times but reason it out anyway you like, it's something I have to do. I am meeting people on blogger land who move me in different ways. I am also trying to meet some old friends when I get home. I will find out if they are freinds or just people I used to know.
I probably won't blog when I am away ......but who knows.....
Keep in touch.

So this is 40?

Ouch, Cramps like I have never experienced from the waist down. My head in under water, far under. I am sweating and cold. I have a fever. Upset stomach. Aches. Heavy limbs. Have seen the doc 3 times. Flu like head. Can't think straight. Hadn't sleept right for 4 nights then slept 14 hours. Slept again today, will go back to bed now. YUCK.

Happenings

I am off sick from work. Some sort of viral infection.
The first batch of drugs didn't work so now I am more.
It's exhuasting.

Finally I passed my driving test on the second attempt. It was Sep 28t 2007.
My brothers birthday is that day.

My meal for my own birthday was a resounding success with plenty of requests for recipies and plenty of ooohs and ahhs for the special fruit filled baked Alaska in both chocolate and vanilla flavors.

I have been gifted a bike, by the efforts of my loved one who got in touch with everyone and asked them to contribute to a common gift if they wanted. It was obvious a bike was coming but how it was to happen I didnt know.
I am very very grateful.

Now my training for a triathlon can really happen.

I am thinking of Burma.

I am sensing things I don't understand.

Celebrate

So here it is.
I am 40. The Autumn equinox is upon us. My friends have come from Ireland. Some of the best people in the world.
My lover sent me flowers by delivery. 41 Roses sit on the table.
A chaman has sent me a feather red, with red ties, no note, no card just that.
I am 40 today. The meal has to be prepared, the room dressed. My son and my friends and my loved ones will be here and what a day it will be.
I have already had my champagne and caviar breakfeast. It is a long way I was raised from it but hey it's my birtday. The shadows chasing me last week have stood aside. People I haven't expected to hear from are getting in touch.....All is well in my castle. Come, celebrate life. Be Welcome.

Down way way down

I am in a pickle. I feel like I have fallen into a big bowl of cowshit.
Here I am preparing for the big 40, looking forward to friends coming over, finally the house gets organised. I have finished all those small jobs.
My ex rings while I was cooking. She didn't say to my partner who it was or if she did, my partner didn't understand. I took the phone while burning my hand on the oven as I was preparing dinner and told her I was doing that and wasn't free to talk. She will be starting a job soon. A good job. She wants me to pay for the childminder when she is at work on top of my paying for all the schooling.
This is someone who pays no rent or charges anywhere, has a car, gets money from the government ( a good amount) for having a kid and to help pay for his education. She is also well supported by her well off parents...
I work, pay rent, pay school. I can't afford to pay a lawyer to get a divorce. I live with someone else who drives me here and there to pick up my son.
I have no problem for paying for the things that involve me. I see my boy every 15 days, so why should I pay a childminder when he isn't with me anyway?
Okay I am sure there are lots of moral, legal, one sided and even sexist arguments out there. However my appetite dissappeared. Perhaps it was to do with the news that a friend of ours who was pregnant, had her 10 week scan and has lost her twins....I felt like crying.

Anyway I rang back the ex and managed not to have a fight. I told her if she wanted me to pay half I would no problem but only if my boy was with me week on and week off. I have talked to my son about that before and he was up for it. So in fact was my ex, but now she isn't. It didn't come off because I had no way of getting to him in time and she wouldn't bother delievering him..Now I am having my driving test, I have to pass. It will be easier. She said she would talk to him about it but she didn't think a week on a week off was a good rythmn for him..She seemed to think the arrangement as it is at the moment was one that suited me. I was flabergasted but didn't bother saying it as she wouldn't understand that word.

Perhaps this is what my friend Pamm meant about living powerfully... I don't know. But damn I have been walked on enough.

Anyway moving on, I get to work this morning and find that my Nice in the US has had the same expereince as my friend here after her 10 week scan. So the bills mount, the babies die and I don't feel like I am living in paradise today.