Before and After, or is it After and Before

With the pool having being closed over Christmas, and the weather, for here, being pretty cold, I had let go of training consistently. Then I got flu, which didn't really help at all.
In short I lost a month in the pool, and more than a month on the bike. This results in the fact that swimming a good hard swim before Christmas, in about an hour and 10 mins I covered 2.4km, and on Thursday night last in the same time frame, for the same effort, I covered 1.7km.
I was not a happy bunny.
Now let's look at the bike.
The last meaningful ride I had was December 12th, 107km. I felt okay after it, proud, tired, but good.
Today I cycled 60km and had to go to bed afterwards. I was very disappointed, but at the same time I know there is no point in crying over spilt milk and I just have to put it down as a lesson. Between now and the end of Autumn I have to get an indoor trainer to ensure I don't lose what I gain this year. In fact between the 12th of December and January 23rd I hadn't cycled at all. I so feel like I have gone back to the start. I have that ache in my muscles as if they are trying to break out of my skin.
I am dreading my next run. My penultimate run was one where I ran futher, longer, easier, than ever before, a real joy, while the last one, I struggled, I huffed and puffed, and barely broke 50 mins before I had to stop. That resulted in a visit to the doc the next day.......and the aforementioned flu, corticoides,(steroids), antibiotics( for flu?) cough medicine( sugar syrup), throat medicine( more syrup), nose medicine( more steroids for allergies), and an agreement to follow my asthma...change of drug regime and now I can breathe properly , woohoo!
Yesterday, Saturday, I took a decision not to let the hair grow. I was getting browned off with either wearing  a hat and taking it off and looking like a scarecrow, or being obliged to wash the threads at every opportunity....
so..........I went from this...........

to this................

No I didn't cut the shirt off and the red marks are due to my body still being over heated after the climb home on the bike...
Hmmm February and holidays coming up soon. I am sure there are adventures to write about. By the way I am not stoned in the first pic, it's just anticipation of the flash. :-)

I just found out the great artist Gary Moore has passed away........... I am moved......as always when I hear his talent, and now of his passing . He played with Ireland's greatest rock band Thin Lizzy, and was perhaps one of the most , if not the most influential guitarist of his age....a tribute is here..Gary Moore just let it play, there is piece after piece of this brilliant musician.....May I meet you on the Parisien walkway of the after life, and maybe you will grace me by strumming a chord or two together!

Back in the saddle again

I got out of bed feeling like I had been kick by the rear end of a horse. Yesterday the house was full of crazy 2 year olds celebrating my daughters birthday. This is how she reacted when Nail tried to get at one of her presents. I was fortunate photographically speaking to click at the right time . This is as close to a right hook as any two year old throws.

I am guessing I won't have to worry too much about her when she grows up.
Since my flu, my body has not been able to do what I wanted. I rode last Sunday for 50k. I was the first ride in a month and I felt as if I had gone back to square one.

Today was a huge battle to get out. Slightly hung over, extremely stressed out by too many people and too much of the above photo, they day previously had taken a lot out of all of us. I fought with boy by the end of the evening both of us going to bed, too tired, too hyper, too upset and neither of us able to make the other understand. So I felt shitty all day. I apologised at one point but he is really not comfortable with either the dispute nor the making up after ... My bad. There is no point in forcing the issue, but my heart is breaking that we have these difficulties with each other. I don't know how to handle an 11 year old boy who wants to be carried in Daddies arms at 11pm at night and he is jumping all over me and not taking no for an answer. He is too quick for me.

So the bad mood persisted all day. I organised dinner for this evening, I nice beef and red wine stew. It's cooking now. The smell is gorgeous.........so are my kids. They went out. I was beating myself up for being useless at being a dad, and useless at training. I was supposed to have gone for a ride, this morning but really didn't want to face the day. Finally when they were gone, I had some head space. I got my bike clothes on. That in itself can be an endurance task. Three or 4 layers on top, two or three on the bottom,  two on the hands, three on the feet, two on the head. One bottle of water with an electrolyte tab, two small lamps in case it's dark, a bar, the keys and I am off. Uphill for 10kms, I can see the snow line on the distant hills, the air is fresh, lighter. Winter air is different than summer air. Winter air is missing something, it's like going into a room where everyone stands around the walls ignoring you, summer air, they press around you and touch you. Winter air is empty......dead, summer air thick with life. It was hard. It was faster than it was the last time I had been on that short ride, a lot faster than a year ago when I first did it. It wasn't fun climbing, but it was a relief to get there. I didn't hang around, night was falling, I turned around and sped down hill.
I crossed another cyclist and we played all the way down, passing and re passing each other. It was easy to catch him up and over take and put some distance between us, but he cornered more confidently than I and each time I was happy to let him back and over take. It was fun. It was great, I smiled for the first time, the happiness building up the bad feelings left behind dead on the road in the cold winter air.

A lot of my energy is directed towards home. I wish I had the vote. I am hoping the Irish people will vote in a government that will actually stand up for the Irish people. But the more I see going on in the world the more I am convinced there is some club where the politicians are in and everyone else is out. We are the everybody else. 

2011 is the way forward.

I feel like using the line from the exorcist, or at least using it to suit my own needs. I'm baaaaahhhack.
Well if I am back or not remains to be seen. However 2011 has some interesting challenges. I have actually started to write my book 'In Praise of Women' a working title. It's my story of the women who have educated me through my life. I don't mean my school teachers, my sister or my mother and aunts, I mean the people that most men see as women before they see them in another role. The women in my life, were first and foremost women, then after there was roles, however the women in my family, had roles before I ever knew they were women in that role. I wonder did I think of men the same way? There are a few challenges, one of which is trying to track down this small band of blessed beings. Another challenge is trying to work out permissions in what story gets told. I can't really go off naming names and getting people into trouble with their current relationships now can I? The last sort of challenge is really for myself. To actually write the damn thing. Once it's done, I might look for a publisher, but I am not sure if there are any publishing houses that would be interested in the story of  copious amounts of blood when I lost my virginity , or how when I had my first blow job, I thought my brain was going to pop through my head, ( the one on my shoulders), but hey, as they say in the Costner baseball movie, If you build it they will come, mine is more likely to be If you write it they will come, all puns intended.

Sporting wise, apart from recovering from the Man flu, I am doing well. Could be better yes, but is a lot better than this time last year. So I missed my road race last week, but I have plans. A 10k, a semi marathon, a Half Iron man, and a Marathon, with a few tri races at least one Olympic distance, thrown in for fun. So that is what 2011 has in store. To round off 2010, I changed companies, but do the same job, I am more calm and content in myself. I know I am going forward, I found some spiritual contacts here and got interested in Sweat lodges which just stay with me for a long time...
I have plans...lets go make them happen.

An Expensive Mouse

Summer time where we are is hot. We keep the doors and windows open to allow the air to circulate through the house. I am freak for my kitchen so when flies and bugs and crawlies get in there, I freak. It's a stress related disorder. The more stressed I am the more I freak at the crawlies. If I am relaxed, I just  pick them up and throw them outsided. That doesn't happen too often.

Recently we started having fridge problems.. Only have the ice box was freezing our food, the cool box was losing temperature.....and we thought hell, it has to be replaced. During our pondering, one evening, there was a cry from the kitchen. Lover was looking stressed. " We have a mouse! ".

I wasn't in the slightest freaked. I opened the kitchen door and there he was, an odd looking creature, a rodent for sure, definitely not a rat, but not what I would have called a mouse......he hopped off along the counter and down behind the electrical machines...

We cleaned the kitchen like fanatics, I made a barrier in the kitchen put down some poison and left the door open in the hope the visitor would get the idea and just leave. I went to back to bed from whence I had come.

The next morning all was clear, no mouse droppings anywhere, poison seemed a bit disturbed, I cleaned up and shut up the kitchen.

A few days later just after dinner there was a hissing sound in the kitchen.....I investigated behind the machines and one of the water pipes had a small bite in it, and it was pissing water everywhere. We shut off the water, put down more poison, replaced the pipes, never easy in a tight space and lived as normal.

The new fridge arrived a week later, running water was needed as it had an ice maker, and I jack of all trades that I am ,  I was able to plumb that in without  a bother, just a 20 km round trip to the hardware store on a hot day.

Two days ago, we saw more evidence of our long tailed friend, this time, little lines of shit, packets of unopened beans, chewed, my open almonds bitten while still in the bag.......Goddam, lots of food into the bin another top to bottom clean. All food will now be kept in Jars, glass jars. Anything else will go into the kickass huge fridge we got. I am getting close to freaking. I carefully place poison in strategic places.

This morning I awoke to blackness. No lights. no clocks, I got up to investigate. No light in the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen. It had become a swimming pool. There was a good 2 inches/ 5 centimeters of water on the floor accompanied by a hissing sound. When I say on the floor, I mean it was like a luxury swimming pool in there, a bit of heat and it would have been a sauna. I thought the new fridge had upped and died on us. I checked the power box, and the mains switch had tripped. Luckily for me, because sleepy as I was I just strolled in my bare feet. I couldn't believe it. Mr mouse had chewed the same pipe, I cut the water supply cleaned up. Had he chewed an electrical line, and somehow the power hadn't tripped, I would have very burned feet and probably still have my nails embedded in the kitchen ceiling. I hit the hard ware store, for the third time, this time buying a metal hose pipe and not a rubber one. We realised once the power was back on and everything dry, the laundry machine had gone kaput. The jet of water had no doubt hit the electrics somewhere and shorted out the machine. Mouse has already cost a couple of hundred euros and now we need  new laundry machine. When I get the little bastard I am going to douse him in parrafin, stick a firework up his ass and light it, then I am going to throw him on the halloween bonfire and dance till dawn to the gods and hope the accept the sacrifices we have made.

We now have in a room about 30 foot long, by 12 foot wide, or roughly 10 meters by 4,  3 old fashioned mouse traps, half a box of poison out of reach of kiddies hands too, and another new fangled humaine trap.... Humaine my ass, it's a mouse not a human.... I am beginning to understand how Tom felt in all those cartoons when I was a kid.

New Bike Shoes

I just got new bike shoes. Brand new half price. The smell of the leather is gorgeous. The feel of the insole is fantastic. I couldn't wait to swap over the cleats from my old cheapo shoes that have served me over 1,600k since March. I had just arrived in on the bike ride home from work. I sat on the floor as I am forbidden to sit on the furniture till I stop sweating. My partner handed me the scissors and I showed my baby girl how to open the box. Immediately she was in pulling out the bag and shoes and I help her because it was so heavy for her. She watched as I detached the cleats and carefully lined them up on the new shoes.
She was a bit worried as when I come in she always bends down and undoes the velcro straps to help me out of them. At 18 months of age she hasn't heard of womens lib yet. When she saw me attacking her favourite shoes, she got a little upset, but I smiled and reassured her everything was fine. Cleats attached, straight, look about as similar on each shoe as I can possibly get.

Dinner is finished with, bed time for baba but god I have an itch. The shoes have been calling me throughout my meal. I pick up the new shoes smelling them, I have to slip my feet into them, OH GOD they are so much more comfortable, I didn't think it was possible.... It's nearly 11pm hell I might just go out for a ride. But I am on a big hill and I have already done 50k today. I will just sit on the bike maybe. The bike lives between the bookcase and the sofa in the living room( long story). I pull it out of its place, I am in foot heaven right now. I line her up level with the frame of the sliding doors. I have to sit up on her. I clip in. God damn this feels good. I back pedal a bit yep they are straight, they feel good. One hand on the door frame the other on the front brake, I moved forward gently , I get the notion to cycle down the living room, but decide against it. I see the clock on the bike and look at my woman who is watching TV. She says something I look up starting to answer, I remember I have to log my distance. My shoes are so comfy on my feet I forget where I am and I go to leave the room without getting off the bike.

I have released the brake and let go of the door frame. I lean 2 degrees left, oh Shi* it's just enough to start my voyage, another few degress over , the door jamb is too far away to grab, slowly I am going over, so slowly , can't get my foot out of the pedal, I am still going, the room is at a 45 degree angle, yes my right foot is free, OH SHI* wrong foot, 47 degrees ah the left foot is out, 50 degrees, yes the left foot makes it to the tiled floor whoohoo disaster avoided,.... for about a milisecond. My foot just slides to the left and keeps going .....oh oh CRASH BANG goes, the bike, the helmet that was on the handle bars, the sun glasses in the helmet go flying across the room and yet I manage somehow with arms flailing widly and legs like a near born deer to keep my balance.

Quick inspection, the bike is fine, quick inspection the shoes are fine, 10 seconds later, severe ache in back, in the ass as I hit the point of saddle on the coxix on the way down, and the left ankle begins to throb........I reckon tomorrow I am going to feel it. But I am okay. So the moral of the story, if you get new bike shoes, get out of the house and ride.

Been Away for a while now

Well I am sure no one comes here anymore, but the few that did will come back if I start to write regularly again.
I haven't been writing because I have been training, working, getting on with it, in regards to my kids and partner.
I am trying to be positive and in truth, getting the divorce has been a huge weight of my shoulders. For my couple however we had a setback in that Lover is without a job. So if anyone needs a really good web project manager or designer, do let us know.
Yesterday our oven broke. I am trying not to think about the things we need and the things we want. We need an oven. I want a wetsuit, 250 euros, I want a bike fit, 100 euros plus no injuries, and new bike shoes, about 100 euros. I don't have it so I have to wait. We have bills, like everyone. Our challenge is not to panic, but to be calm confident and collected about our abilities and to start truly to prioritise. One of those priorities was for me to get fit. In getting fit, I could then tackle a life dream. So the getting fit is happening. For the month of may I have done the following,

Swam: 13000.00 M - 5h 20m


Biked : 541.69 KM - 26h 37m 17s

Run    : 13.52 KM - 1h 47m 22s

I know that is a lot by normal peoples standards, but triathletes would find that small potatoes. However this is my news for the month of May.  I am swimming better than ever, biking better than ever, and Obviously the run needs a bit of work.
 
Summer has arrived, the tan is starting to kick in , it's getting hot and it's times like this we realise how damn lucky we really are.

I am a triathlete.

I have no idea where to start! The day has been full of emotion. Major stress, huge highs, emotional outbursts, but I am good.




I am a tri-athlete.



I have finally after 3 years of getting injured and trying, and trying and getting injured, finally, I have run a triathlon.





I don't care about my placing, as a debutant, a beginner, and someone whose training was completely out the window for his first race I am quite proud of myself and my time.

All week I had been stressed. I had no idea where to go physically for the race in Carros, on the Cote D'azur. In the end it wasn't so hard to find and not so far from home. The forecast was rain. I had no idea what gear to bring with me, I had no idea of anything, and as often when we are unsure or new to something, I became extremely dumb. I almost sacrificed my power into helplessness, but I didn't. I have been through too much to do that any more.



I prepared badly in truth. I had not got to run 3 times a week as planned. I averaged a half hour run once a week for the last 6 weeks. I averaged a bike ride maybe every 9 days, either 20kms plus or 56km. I swam 3 times a week, 1 for 2 hours and twice for a little over an hour and I have been doing that since January.



Well that's all back story I suppose. I woke this morning to a wet countryside. The sky was grey it had rained all night and I had never been riding on a wet road here. Too many injuries and my bike is too expensive to bother taking the risk because the main goal of my triathlon training is a race that will take place in the dry. However, today it was cold and wet.



I got myself lost driving around this place Carros, which is not the same as Carros village and for the life of me I couldn't find the sports hall. I finally asked someone when I was outside the pool, and they directed me back down the extremely steep hill to the start of the road I had just travelled.



Finding the hall was one thing, knowing what to do and how to do it was another. I got a call from and English member of the club who was lost and decided to go and get her and her entourage in my car and show them the way. I fell into a one way traffic system trap and instead of travelling a few hundred meters I ended doing a 10k ride in the car right at the time I should have been collecting my number.



I finally got back and a bundle of nerves I went through the motions of signing up. I saw my name on the list, number 95 leaving time 10:47am. I went to the desk and signed. The lady made a remark about name, and I realised it was she who had issued my licence. She had had to issue a second because my name had been completely misspelled on the original. I was amazed that of all the hundreds of licences she would give out, she would remember mine. I collected my free socks, My numbers, ( dossard) and made my way into the hall.



There was a Referee who was a cross between George Clooney and Chris Kristofferson. He smile stopped me and told me to put on my helmet. He even fastened it for me. In I went and found my place. I watched the others rubbing strange smelling stuff on their legs, I watched people kick my stuff on the floor around and with a look they stopped. I watched people do what people do to prepare for triathlons while I stressed. I bounced, stretched, went in and out numerous times, I ate, I ate again. I attached my number to my number carrying belt that I had bought the day previously. I wasn't ready. I had stage fright. Laurent, the Iron man and secretary of the club was hyper, and started cracking jokes about my name. He was delighted I was there but in truth the guy is a total nutcase, loveable but mental. he was going to swim in his socks. I am a debutant but there was no way I was going to wear my socks in the pool and the do a cycle and run. That was not happening.



I finally decided on what I going to wear over my trifunction I took just my bike jacket, I put some stuff in the pocket. I stretched myself out, I bounced around. Michael Jackson was playing on the loudspeakers, I moved and shaked a little trying to get my muscles working, the stress level was unreal.





I eventually headed out of the hall, there was a line of people waiting for the start. They mounted the steps, were held in place and counted down. I was so nervous it was etched on my face. Laurent took the piss again, he was roaring and laughing and I was grateful. He was happy to see I could take a joke, happy to see me race. It was my turn. I mounted up. They held the bike at an angle. Corinne the club president was injured so was taking the photos. 5, 4, I spun the pedals back I was still at an angle and tried to right myself, click, two, one, I span the pedals back, TOP, I was off down the ramp. I could hear loads of people shouting , ' Allez Collie, Go', I did just that. The first hundred meters were over slightly uneven ground it was wet, we had been warned many people had fallen. There was no way I was falling today. I came gently to the first bend and then suddenly took off, there was 500meters to a round about, off at 2pm and uphill hard, the road looped around , 'Watch out it's very slippy' they said. I backed off and went around and up, and up and up another round about, off at 9pm. I was back on the road to the pool it was steep, I was already puffing like a guy on 40 a day. Shit it was steep. I made it, dismounted badly, ran in to the area, unhooked the number strap, opened the velcro on the shoes, unzipped and put down the helmet and the bike glasses and off I went, the run was 200 meters maybe 250 up steps, I was hyper ventilating. I had forgotten my swim goggles. I didn't care, Up again I went and saw a lot of people coming down, no quarter was given. They were serious folks. The pool was a dome with a sliding wall in I went, they referee explained what to do, one lane 2 lengths, change lane, 2 lengths, change lane, 2 lengths, change lane 2 lengths, take your time, calm down take it easy. The water was about 30 C, he wanted me to sit on the edge and lower myself in, I was already down the steps, the chlorine stung my eyes, the first 50 was difficult, I couldn't breathe right, I was panicked, by 100 I had stopped to turn and took the turn easy by 150 I was in my stride for the stroke but I was exhausted I got to the end and leapt up the ladder and back down the steps. The guy who had started after me had passed me on the way up, I passed him in transition. I stuck my helmet, jacket and number strap on, then the glasses, they fogged up, I stuck on my shoes, took of the glasses and put them in my back pocket. ran to the exit, mounted and then it was down the hill again. More cries of watch out it's slippy, I was under such stress I didn't think I was going to finish, the fear of falling was prominent in my mind. Around the round about touching 40km and hour down hill another round about hard on the breaks and then a gentle climb. 2 km gently climbing giving it my all. I was being passed with regularity, Serge from the club encouraged as he flew passed. He has been my mentor since last November. A guy passed me and settled in about 200 meters in front of me and didn't get much farther till Carros village. The 16.4 km took us from Carros, to Gattieres, through Carros Village, and back to Carros again. Kilometre number 3 and the road decided to go up a wall it did that for the next 4 kilometres’. I thought how lucky I was to live on a similar hill and at least I knew I could get up there. I was beginning to settle down and enjoy myself, I let out a whoop of joy and immediately some guy on a rocket with an exocet up his ass flew past. I was embarrassed for all of about 2 seconds and cracked up laughing. I had no idea were I was, no idea where I was going, just that it was up. Half way through the cycle I was aching for the end, getting to Carros village I was sure I was last, people were out on the streets egging me on. I was conscious of not burning myself out for the run. Up again after the village, and then a series of false plateaus, rising and falling, all the time from distance looking flat. I didn't once engage the big cog at the front as I wasn't confident of the change back, the chain had fallen off the last two times I was on the bike and I hadn't regulated the derailleur. I didn't know was there more hills. Finally the right turn down hill, now I was on a flyer. I was pumping my legs, 5km to home the roads were still wet but drying, people were all the time encouraging me, I thought of Anton's master the hills so you don't need to pay the hospital bills. My legs were burning, I thought of tonis tri and how good she looked in one of her photos. I wondered did Krazykit Kat know or care that I was running today. I thought of Garen. He has been a complete inspiration keeping me going in my dark times. I knew he had a half marathon and I wondered how it would go for him. The hills were very steep, the curves were sharp the roads were wet, I took my time, I wanted something in the tank for the run, but already my emotions were bubbling up, already tears were trying to surface. I thought of my kids and family and I thought today finally after 3 years, my journey to Iron man can truly begin, it has truly been born. I got back to the finish line and there was the expected confusion of where to go what to do, I was now running in my cleats, bad move, I dumped the bike, dried the feet stuck on the runners, dumped the bike jacket, and off I went, I expected my thighs to scream they didn't I felt okay. I had grabbed a bottle of flavoured water and was out the door. The crowd screamed again calling my name, I couldn't believe it. I took off at a pace faster than I am used to. I saw all my club mates coming back, I got a high 5 from Serge, I saw Nat and encouraged her, she finished 3rd for the girls overall.



I was struck by how erect my body was. My head was high, my back straight and I was pumping it down the road into the industrial estate. No distance markers, my lungs were burning, my heart had stopped beating it was just a burning hole in my chest, I asked how far, there was no answer. I was pushed on by encouraging people, I was so grateful. I was going to do , I was going to finish my first triathlon. The pain suddenly shot through me like something snapping. I went from a brisk run to a walk abruptly. I thought of Trifuel and all the people there, I took a swig of water, I thought of my boy I think, I thought of walking just for a few minutes, just wait till the watch reads 12, it was on 08, then I could run again. I think it was probably still on 08 when my legs just kicked in and off I went, a few more hundred meters there was a kid all alone, maybe 14, clapping and calling to me, 200 meters more there was a time keeper, go on, you are almost at the 2 km mark. I wanted to stop my legs kept pumping, I turned the bend I really wanted to stop, my legs kept turning, I saw the guy with the flag in front, I knew I was last, I was embarrassed, I didn't want to walk now, everyone was waiting. I kept running, the ground changed from broken up tarmac to soft earth, and the change was welcome, allez go just 500 meters. I had to dig really really deep, so deep my emotions broke forth I ran 300 meters, and then the next person said allez go just 500 meters, I was sobbing, I didn't know why, now I had two referees on bikes behind me, I was grunting, pushing myself forward, I was waiting for that sprint finish energy I get sometimes, it was nowhere, It wasn't going to come, 200 meters to go I was blubbing like a kid, and shouting like an orgasmic tennis player without the pleasure. I could see the ref signalling to me, it Clooneystoffereson again, he waved which lane, I burst over the line to applause and shouts, and I was then suddenly very very alone. I couldn't breath. I thought I was going to have a crisis. I had taken my medicine this morning I should have been fine, I wanted a hug. There wasn't one. I got it together shaking and trembling... I watched the prize giving. One of the guys from the club saw me, 'Are you okay' I nodded yes, he waited for a reply, he could see the tears in my eyes, maybe he knew where I had been. I went and got changed as the bike hall was dismantled and returned to a sports gym. I came out, one of the marshals’ saw me, she had been looking for me. She wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine, just a bit emotional and her kindness set me over the edge again. I had to move away.



My emotions are still all over the place. I had a lunch with the club, nobody cared I was last but one. No one dismissed me, I got home to my girls, my boy rang to see how it went. My 10 year old thought of me. He was impressed with the distance but I am pretty sure he was hoping I would get a medal or something. We had friends for dinner, I wasn't great company.

I did my sprint triathlon in 1 hour 30 mins and 50+ seconds. I am a triathlete. I don't give a rats ass I am slow, I don't give a rats ass I am emotional, it was my race. I did it.

First Race coming up

Now that I am back to health I have been training. Swimming and learning to swim correctly, running a little and out and about on the new bike a bit. I have been enrolled by the triathlon club into my first Triathlon race in the  mountains near Nice, in a town called Carros..
I have to bike 1.4km up a steep hill to the swimming pool , run up about 50 steps to the pool proper and dive in and swim 200 meters, then bike 16.4 km then run 4k. It will be chilly, I will wear a tri suit, I will be pissed off on the run I imagine, given how I feel after training at the moment.
But I am doing it, that is the main thing, I am going to finish it........then I will post a report here, in this old space where I pass by from time to time, leaving some thoughts on the table or sideboard for passers by to consider.....
Lets not search for problems, lets just find solutions.

Why Ireland didn't qualify for the World Cup

Out of the norm I have to comment on a football match I have just seen. Actually, it wasn't a match. It was a near massacre. The Republic of Ireland have some guys who can play above average. Brazil have some guys who play average, the rest are well above. We have a manager with a great reputation, but someone who is aging, shown himself to be beligerent and one dimensional.
We have a team that cannot match the top flight of international football. I understand 2 central defenders were missing but there is no excuse for a having a midfield where Brazilians can waltz from one end of the field to the other, flicking, backheeling, nutmeging and in truth making fools of footballers who are paid astronomical sums of money in a league that promotes itself as the best in the world.
One of the guys playing tonight for Ireland was responsible for the goal scored by the French Hand in Paris in November last. He was at his usual game again tonight, not covering, letting defenders get between him and the goal, unable to keep the ball and has no business in a professional soccer outfit never mind wearing the green jersey of Ireland.
Frankly I was aghast at the gap in quality, style, and effort. I had high hopes after Paris that Ireland would go on and build. They have slipped dangerously backwards to  Stautonesque proportions. I am just glad it wasn't 6 or 7 because it could have been.

The difference between what I had, and what I have!

Normally when I cycle I go from here to Aspremont and back. It's a 10km struggle uphill that takes me 56 mins every single time. Today was the first day we have had sun shine in a while. So after my dismal pool performance this morning I took off on the bike.
Actually the pool performance only felt dismal. I didn't have the couple of swim buddies with me, and I spent my slow session looking at the sprinters trying to figure out how when I swim fast and they go slow, they are still faster than I.
I am still struggling with the technique of breathing without lifting my head. I am sure it will come but frankly it's frustrating. So anyway, I got home. I got changed and I took the GIANT DEFY ADVANCED 1, the winged wonder, the carbon copy of brilliance, the lightening strike of a bicycle out on the road for the first time.
It's rubbish. No I am joking, Actually it has to front chain cogs a 50 something, and a 34. So it's lowest gear, is not as low as the lowest gear on my other thing that up until today passed for a bicycle.
I went uphill as usual but found the second stage of the climb which happens after the first 500 meter hill, a bit harder, I kept going lowest gear all the time. There is one spot where I get a nice run down hill and then it's a hard climb again. The run down I realised I was in a unfamiliar position. The handle bars were different I wasn't too confident about the control, I hit about 42kph which is faster than normal for that part of the ride, already I was loving it.
On I went up and up, I finally got to a level part where I engaged the 50+  the bike took off. It was nothing short of incredible. I took in the views and screamed out loud with delight. I am sure the locals will arrest me some time and if they do hear me are convinced I am crazy.
I finally got to Aspremont, 12 mins quicker than I normally do. I don't normally have an hour work out in the pool just before hand.  The roads I was on felt smooter, the bike itself is way lighter but being built for endurance, and being built for quality, the difference is out of this world.
I had been beginning to have doubts if I could make the grade really. This bike has blown those doubts away. If I had a bike like that as I child I would have won the Tour de France more than a few times. It is just a pure joy to ride. The descent happened in about 15 mins as opposed to 20+ mins, I could not only get up to higher speeds than I was used to, I could maintain them, and there was still a lot more in the sprint tank if needed. The bike went exactly where I pointed it, it was extremely responsive. I am extremely happy with the purchase, the experience and good god, one of these days, I might even be able to call myself a triathlete.
I did break the speed limit on the way down, without much effort. Thankfully there are no radars.

My new everything!

Apt it is that today is the 13th of the month. I brought this home. It is the result of a lot of thought, and research, a lot of courage, and some guilt because it's way out of my normal budget range. But this is what is going to carry me into the world of triathlon.  It's a Giant Defy Advanced. It has a full carbon frame and Shimano Ultegra bits and pieces. Assuming it doesn't get stolen, this bike which I can lift with one finger must have something seriously wrong with it. I got it for roughly 2/3 of the price of new. It's been a store/show bike, so the saddle has been up and down but it's never been ridden apparently. I am sort of sure of that as it's pristine clean except around the saddle and handle bars where people obviously touch it.
I looked up the wheels on the internet, DT Swiss RR 1450's and the price I found was dearer than what I paid for the whole set up.

So I have been swimming a lot and I am finally getting somewhere with my stroke and distance and endurance improving, I just have to work on the breathing bit.

It has been snowing here too so I have not been running or biking. The weather is just crazy!

So I have a new bike, the weather is new and I now have a new status in life. I am offically divorced. I didn't get the shared custody of my son. The judge decided the only reason for that was that Boy himself hadn't requested it. I am now okay with it. I was hurt and perplexed for a while but I knew it wasn't going to happen. What changes is that I have a piece of paper, proof, ground to stand on to back up my point of view in discussions with my ex. To be honest I love the sound of 'My Ex' at the moment. I am not thankful for the experiences I have had in this story. I do have some resentment towards this person. I hope it goes some day and that we can as adults look each other in the eye and discuss our sons future amicably and intelligently.

But today is my day of new things. I swam further than before. I grouped together a big distance in the pool without stopping. I got my bike. I am a single man in a committed relationship with Lover, Boy and Booboo our girl. Who incidently, today, said her first word.

It was 'A Table', which is the call to come to sit and eat at the table. Isn't life just a really good buzz when you are not looking at your belly button?

January

Wow the little one is one. The big one is growing fast.

I have joined a triathlon club and I had an ingrown infected toenail which they treated without anaesthetic...

I can tell you I am not showing the other photos I have of it. It was extremely painful before, and during, but now it's fine.

I am also learning to swim properly now with my club. The breathing is bit hard but I will get there. I am enrolled for a sprint race at the end of March. I don't think I will be ready as I haven't been running at all. But I will give it a shot. I am going to focus eventually on very long distance but a sprint will at least tell me where I am at.

That's it that's my gorey news. :-)

2010 and what my year may bring

I have been debating with myself if I should continue to blog here. I am trying to write my book and not having much free time at the moment, it seems not really feasible to try to do the two.
However just now I have a free moment. I thought I would update what I expect from this year.
I have fallen into a pond of positivity lately. I am making things happen around me. Some good things have happened that I cannot divulge but financially I am just a little better off.
I am waiting for my lawyer to ring me so I know what the decision of the judge was.
I am re learning how to swim with my triathlon club and it's the first time I have had swimming lessons in over 30 years, and it's really hard to try to relearn something I was doing all by myself.
My shoulder hurts like hell lately from the effort but it's all good.
I have run once, last week and will starting stretching a bit more.
I am on the bike a little bit, so maybe this year I will get a race in and I can finally really call myself a triathlete.

A new job for both of us in my couple would be fun, helpful and good so steps are being taken to organise that. Lover is feeling down, guilty , and pretty bad about herself. I guess a combination of baby blues, some shame at loosing her job and turning 40 all around the same time have taken their toll. She is a little fearful. I try to reassure her, get her positive and boost her up. We all need her to be happy but I understand that is something that cannot be forced. Love sometimes is a commitment and requires us to give of ourselves to support the other.

My son is growing, my daughter is gorgeous, I am a very happy and content father. This role suits me. I wonder about boys lack of discipline and how I can give him some. Perhaps I let him have too much choice and should impose stricter time tables.

I am quite positive about my professional, and physical future. Sure there are issues, there are always issues but I am more than a survivor. I am fighter, doing, make it happen kind of guy and I have been missing that part of myself for so long.

I read a report lately and I am very touched by it. The Church in Ireland has been pretty awful and this one guy in this report has taken a stand. I expect many others to follow but given most grave yards are 'Hallowed ground' I wonder where people will be buried.  I am very touched by this story, given my own experiences in the church. I just thank the stars I am away from all of that now. I find my own God in my own way following the path before me.
I wish this man and his partner a well, happy and rich life.
http://www.irishcentral.com/news/First-Irishman-to-reveal-sexual-abuse-formally-leaves-the-Catholic-Church-81959012.html

So that's that then

Looking back over my year, I became a father again in January, I had health issues all year really. I got blue. Got through it and changed my way of thinking completely. I accepted my place in life, I became part of where I am. I decided to change and I did something about it.

I had my surgery

I joined a triathlon club.

Started to write again, even though it's stalled a bit


Oh and I had sex this year too.

Bring it on 2010. I hope to evolve professionally. I hope to finish my book to grow more, to get home more. Lets say I don't hope I plan.
I am just going to do it.

See you all soon and thanks for stopping by

So this is Christmas!

It snowed this week, amazingly it snowed and it stuck, I haven't prepared the photos, but might post one before new year.
The temperature dropped to -2 C at one point. Clearly it's been the coldest in the 6 years I have been here.
Boy is here. He is here for the first half of the holidays, so there is for once, no need to role play Christmas this year. It will happen as it should. Tonight we will eat beautifully and badly at the same. Salmon and foie gras, with champagne and blinis. It's a tradition. There will be no oysters as I am the only one who adores them, and I just can't manage all those oysters by myself.
Tomorrow morning on the 25th of December we will open our presents together. There will be no falseness in pretending. Santa doesn't have to come early or late. Everything for us for once will be the same as everyone else. That is good.

My Christmas spirit took a bit of a bashing from my job situation. A lot of people didn't want to go to the Christmas party. I wanted to stay with Boy. There were no decorations put up in the offices. The usual gift exchange didn't happen, and the usual hamper wasn't handed out. No explanations, no emails to wish anyone a good Christmas.

I was given a card and a present for the birth of my daughter which happened in January. I am pleased and stunned. Stunned that it took so long. My mind boggles at how their minds operate.

This year has seen a lot of changes. I have integrated myself in my mind on the Blue Coast. I belong here now. Home is a concept that is being reformulated time and time again. It is for sure no longer the house I grew up in, even though that is what comes to mind at the first hint of the word. That house now has strangers living in it.

I am aware of the concept of love this Christmas. What is it? How is it spread for many ? How do you express it and share it?

I am aware that on the other side of the world in New Zealand and Australia friends and relations are nearer to opening their pressies than we are. In our turn we will do it before friends in Mexico, California, Maine, and where ever it is you live.

I am aware that this time of year is a burden for many. A pressure. I know there are people out there lacking love, lacking esteem and that the greatest gift they might get is a glass of water, or even a smile, if they get anything at all.

I know that not far from here, someone might get a gift worth my yearly salary in monetary terms, and that very gift might be cast aside and never used.

I am aware there is a lot of love and care. A lot of concern for the planet, for our future as humans, for my own future. I know this, that whatever it represents for you, whatever the origins of the word, this comes close to a temporal mark in the year, a day or moment that we should acknowledge in the miracle of life.

There are enough of us positive enough, with enough love to go around to change completely the business and how the business is done on this planet.

This is Christmas, a time of hope and joy. Make it what you will but make it good. I will be here in 2010 with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and looking forward, no matter what happens.

The Advocate

The Night Before

I couldn't sleep. I was anxious. My sleep pattern had been blown asunder by a virus that had struck the three of us living here. This night wasn't any easier. The young one woke just as I was drifting off, it was 4 am. This time the solution was Daddy. Usually it's Mama. I sat on the edge of the bed rocking her in my arms. I hummed softly. I remembered a tune I learned by Liam Clancy. It was about a sailor leaving his ship as the voyage was over. I hummed deeply rocking with one arm. My memory drifted back to similar moments with my son at the same age. That child was normally Daddy's job to lull to sleep, to give the bottle after breast feeding had finished, to wake up early at the weekends so Maman could lie in. I did it willingly but now look back with questions and some self reproach. However there is no point. We are in the here and now and still she is drifting in and out. I try to put her down in the bed several times. I am losing my touch perhaps, each time she wakes and wails, wails and wakes. Forty minutes later , I hug her tightly to my chest and take her to our bed. Instantly she is asleep on my chest, like a small dwarf trying to protect his hill of gold coins. Her legs and arms stretching either side of my torso. The sandman finally visits emptying his precious cargo into my eyes, as he leaves the clock informs him it's after 5am and he must be thinking of returning home before the eastern sky starts to fade into light.

The Morning

I was late out of bed, not so late, but it meant skipping a proper breakfeast. I put on my cheap brown suit, white shirt, a tie with dark red and black bars, I looked sober smart. I parked close to the courthouse. In Old Nice there is the Palais de Justice, and the Palais Rusca one opposite the other, both buildings couldn't be starker in contrast. Justice has high glass walls and gold lettering for brotherhood, freedom and equality etched into white stone. The red court I described before and it's low structure reminded me of a rebuilt roman bath house.
Inside the security man made me take out my keys. I passed through the metal detector and it beeped. He handed me back my keys and admitted me. I wondered about the level of security. No checks whatsoever.
I waited for my lawyer to arrive, there was no sign of her.
I played people watching as lawyers in jeans and runners, or smart pants and shoes, or redhigh heels and mini skirts or shinny black boots with smart heels, all milled around on business all dressed as normal people under the black robes of justice edged with some white fluffy touch to make them look.....legal I guess.
I wondered about this game. They were ordinary boys and girls who had been through college and now worked for a living at the coal face of other peoples misery.

She walked out and saw me, she inquired about Madam, I hadn't heard a thing. She went off to find her. About 10 minutes later she was back, she tried to hide her satisfaction that Madame wasn't going to be there. She talked about the future, that if it didn't work out, it wasn't final. I could always try again later.  I nodded, knowing in my heart that this is it for the time being.

Eventually it was time to wait in the small hall before the courtroom. There were four chairs, full of coats and bags, and lawyers. There was I, and a lady of about 25. The other 8 people in the small space were lawyers. They chatted and laughed and compared notes and cases. I earwigged and took in the different senses of style, senses of  value and upbringing too.

My ex's lawyer had already walked past me, turned looked at me, made to move off and stopped, pointed at me and then offered my formal name and smiled and shook my hand. He wouldn't make supporting cast in a B movie that is for sure, never mind get a cesar or golden lion for that performance. I asked him how he was and he was gone without a answer.
Now in the small space I wished him bad vibes, I positioned myself to be in line with him, each time I sent him vibes he repostioned himself to get someone between us. I know I was being mean and nasty, but I had a sense of what was going to happen next and I was not going to let him do it easily.

We entered.

The same room as the last time, purplish walls, high windows, ordinary workaday tables badly stuck beside each other. A Man with well cut short grey hair, dressed in black, no tie, somewhat overweight, looked up, he seemed startled to see me. A lady about the same age beside him perhaps a little older, different salary bracket for sure. They acknowledged me. The proceedings began.

PROCEEDINGS

As my ex was not there, we got to go first, I was from that moment on completely ignored. My lawyer was pleased and nervous. I sent her vibes to stop her hands shaking and take the tremor out of her voice. They stopped.

She opened her file, made a point, explained it, and moved the page to one side. She made another point, explained it and moved the page to one side. Each time she revealed the next page with it's heading, it's argument, and she continued in this vain for about 20 minutes. The judge took notes, only one time referring to his secretary to write some thing down.

She made a good argument in that at 9 years of age living 3 minutes away from his father, having expressed a desire to make up for lost time, having seen his little sister and being more than comfortable with his step mother and having every thing he needs here, there is no reason why on earth this little boy should not be more often in his fathers house. She refered to different reports, and to nearly two years of evidence gathered and presented.

I was happy she built a good solid argument. I wondered why she didn't seem to have so much confidence in herself. When she finished she sat back, but as we were angled side by side, she sat almost back in arms. It was a surprisingly warm moment between us.

The rebuttal was to dismiss the aformentioned reports out of hand, to make references to bills that were never paid by me, which in fact were. To throw dirt and hope some stuck. The reply was unstructured, not very coherent in that the only reason they were against it was because, well they were against because they are convinced boy doesn't want it.  The reply was short, delivered under some duress, ( I was still sending forget your arguement vibes ) and was over quickly. The judge spoke,

The court will deliver it's verdict on January 15th thank you all very much

Monsieur Smarm the lawyer for my ex,  was from that point onwards ignored by me, he shook my hand afterwards, I didn't smile, I gave him the limp fish.
My lawyer tried to talk in an annex in private, he followed us in and delayed for nothing, so she said nothing.
She waited as did I.
Once again she explained if the judge said no this time there would be other times. I explained to her I wasn't living in hope, I was just living. She misunderstood. I explained further. I told her I had done everything I could. I had spent money, gathered evidence, come to court and witnessed her present a case. Now some guy will decide our future. If it's in favour of our argument, then great. If not, I still have to be a father, I still have my love driving me to teach and make him the best he can be, within reason and good measure. I will not be upset if the answer is no. Things will be clear, concise and legal. They will be binding. I will have at least a leg to stand on.  She wished me a happy festive period and walked back into the annex to get something, I wished her one too, and she replied but I didn't hear it.
She came back and looked at me, I told her I hadn't heard, she explained she had been through the same process all too recently. I was full of admiration. She had been thoroughly professional. She had done her job, and perhaps her nerves were explained by her personal story.
I touched her lightly on the shoulder as her eyes filled up. She turned away, hating that her mask had fallen.
I asked was she okay, she shrugged it off as if it was nothing. She complimented me on my sincerity and honesty.  Of course I was pleased.

The Conclusion

I spent the day in town with lover celebrating. We bought me a new set of clothes, and shoes, we joked that I would marry myself I looked so good, and then let Georgio, the assistant in the well to do store, into the secret that today was my divorce.

It will be all legal and offical on the 15th January. There are two important things. For my sanity I will be now free of an awkward unhappy, unpleasing relationship. It will sweep the deck clean and I can get on with my life and perhaps try to build something new with the mother of my son, for the sake of my son. I have longed for this for long.

For my son, his concentration is not top, his discipline is out the window, but he knows where ever he is there is acres of love and that beneath that , there are acres more. If nothing else this alone is a gift in life. I will not say that I put my faith in the law. My faith is too important. I will abide by whatever decision is delivered. I will get on with our lives. I will continue to be as good a father as I can be. What else could you ask of any man?

Now it will happen

When I get out of bed tomorrow, I will shower, dress, have breakfeast and go to court. In the court some stranger will decide what is best for my son and for his parents. The arguments will be made by two strangers who have met either of us a handful of times. The decision will be based on cold hard facts. Who earns what? Who lives where? There will be no weighing up of our personalities. There will be no weighing up of our history, or desires or our feelings. It's called the law, justice. The journey I have been on to here, will not be taken into account, but my lawyer will attempt to argue it to counter the argument from the other lawyer that I am some what less of a father than I am really. There are no drugs, alcohol or abuse issues being raised. There is just a couple of people, unable to communicate effectively in a helpful way. Who perhaps would benefit from a wise somewhat spiritual elder and a warm hand on our shoulders to talk sense to both of us. But then you can't quantify that with noughts and crosses and bottom line euros and cents.
I guess I will just have to be my own elder. I will put out my positive vibes and not think of any worst case. Everything is good and as this is the only recourse whatever happens is right for the moment. If anyone reads this, it will probably be all over by the time you get here. One thing will never change. I will always be my sons' father, and I will never break the promise I made to him as a babe in arms. I will never drop you son.
Gosh I am so anxious, but at least it will be over.

Liam Clancy

This is a man who taught me to sing, and taught me the value of story telling. I would have never sung a tune nor written a word, were it not for Saturday mornings listening to Makem and Clancy on my cassette player. I would listen, and listen again. I learned 'The Cobbler' , I learned 'Waltzing Matilda', I learned about the legend of seal people, I learned when it was time to leave her because the voyage was done. Any smattering of gaelic in music that I know, comes from those deep sharings, I was amused and moved as a boy, barely a strip of a man, not a hair on my face, as his voice caressed my soul and pulled at my heartstrings, and taught me how to dream...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbkwCidPlzg&feature=related


Copy and paste the link into a new tab and let his voice fill your glass. I remember he recited this,

The Night Stirred at sea and the fire brought a crowd in.
They say that her beauty was music in mouth,
Few in the candle light thought her too proud
For the house of the planter was known by the trees,

Men who  had seen her drank deep and were silent,
Women were talking wherever she went,
And like a Gong that is rung or a wonder told shyly
Oh she was the Sunday in Every week.

Rest in Peace Mr Liam Clancy.

Life

Life.
It is for living.
It is full of situations. Each situation can be seen as challenging or to be avoided, or as rewarding, or as difficult, tough, hard, fun and a plethora of other words. I have no doubt however that it is not meant to pass us by.

When we are old and grey and look back on our time on this planet, there must be signs of interaction with others, signs of achievement, signs of being here.
There must be signs that all has not been taken for granted and that all that has been has not been in vain.

Perhaps this is just how I, a man, neither young nor old make sense of my existence.

I was perhaps follisome in my youth. I was certainly naieve. I have a sense of something that for me is a 'right way' of  being with others and often I have suffered for it. You see motives are never entirely pure. My motives of looking after others are surely in a small way, motivated by a fear of being abandoned or having no one around. I have learned in my time here in this place, that different cultures, interpret human kindness in different ways. Many here interpret it as something to take advantage of. That has nothing to do with the place. It's everything to do with the type of people that are attracted to being here however.
I am  always right. I am never wrong either. In the great energy system that is the human race, I like everyone else, am susceptible to energies. When I postulate an argument I am right, all of us are. This point of view if you like, is valid because it exists and therefore cannot be wrong. It is an energy in itself. It might not be apt for the situation but it is not wrong in the scale of the universe.
I can ignore energies if I wish, as many do, and close down, which I believe leads to illness. I can meet energies head on which can with unawareness lead to issues,  or I can weigh each one up and decide for itself and myself how to react in the most healthy way possible.

How difficult to write about a concept when I know that each and every word could be interpreted differently to the way I intend it to be. My way of dealing with other energies has become more and more to meet them head on. What has changed from my youth is the awareness of my own reaction to energies and synergies. Sometimes I wonder am I more .....in tune with the reality of what is happening. I notice lately I am encountering situations that are mirroring my beliefs. Up to this point at this phase of my life, I  have meet a lot of energies that were counter to my beliefs. Now I am being affirmed. Now, it is no longer the same belief system or  perhaps it's better expressed by saying my belief system has adjusted itself, been tempered and refined. I am still afraid of things I call challenges but I have learned if I don't stand up face to face and look them in the eye....( what does that mean? ) If  I don't take responsibility for myself then I can't blame anyone else for my happiness or un-happiness. The buck stops here so to speak. This goes for everything from my expanding waste line, to my lack of real writing, to my job search, to my romance, to my sense of self and well being.

I have a friend who's Gospel is 'all we have is projection'. I understand this but disagree strongly with it. For in a balanced universe of Gravity and Flight, black and white, good and evil, day and night, if there is projection then there is reception. Reception or receptiveness to energy is I believe a big part of who I am. I read something today about the doing. Stop the bitching, the excuses, the explanations, the reasons, just do it. In other words my writing career that I have long abandoned for moaning about the French or keeping fit, or drinking wine, or spending time playing games on the computer, or whatever, will never happen if I don't make choices. I must learn to channel the energy into the place it will give me most satisfaction. I am like a Nuclear reactor but I am only being used to light a 40 w light bulb in the storage room at the back of my brain. I have so much potential and it has to start somewhere. It's up to me to be receptive to this energy.

France V Ireland I am changing Razors

Being home in Ireland was great fun. It was a great recharge of the batteries.
Last night I was in a bar in the Nice. Ireland were in the second part of a 2 legged playoff in Paris.
If they won they would qualify for the world cup.  I was completely alone giving it loads surrounded by 50 french people in an Irish bar.  We scored and got extra time.
We lost to a goal that was against the rule of play on 2 counts, Offside and Handball.
Irish people today are up in arms.
The world is calling the French cheaters.
FIFA have actually blocked comments on the match report on their website.
Whatever about it being a game and passions running high, to block the right to free speech smacks of cowardice and distinc lack of impartiality and honour.

It is true Ireland outplayed the French but they didn't take their chances and they should have done. So I won't come up with conspiracy theories. We could have won the match had we scored.
It's sad to see that the values of high Morals have been cast completely aside in this day and age in the pursuit of profit. It's sad to see a governing body block free speech. It's sad to see a professional footballer cheat and not be able to admit it. It's sad that the professionals who are responsible weren't up to the task.
I have a friend called Gillette, she is the best a guy could get I believe. The guy who committed the foul last night is Gillette's poster boy, the company that is, not my friend's. So while Gillette my friend will always be the best a man can get, I will changing brands to shave. Never again will that brand cross my door till they drop poster boy for cheating.